THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 3
Score: 7.6 / 10 
3: The Mystery of the Missing PSATs
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Well, well, well... Dawson hits its stride.
We start with the gang all spewing about their practice SATs. So, worry, worry, worry. The new cool black principal (you can tell he's cool because he's black) tells Joey that if she plays her cards right and performs as cleverly as she can and smiles those incredibly cute dimples at people, she's sure to get a scholarship to the single best University on Earth. Meanwhile, Dawson's beautiful seductress Eve lives up to her biblical nomenclature by offering Dawson first a metaphorical apple and then a stolen copy of the PSAT exam.
Ooohhh... moral dilemma. Naturally Dawson takes the PSAT to the rest of the gang and says "what do we do gang? Do we cheat or not?" "Of course not" say the usual suspects (Ah Joey and Crazy Andy). "Of course we do" say the other usual suspects (Chipmunk Face and Pacey). "I'm gay" says Gay Jack. Anyway, you wouldn't believe it but a fire alarm goes off and when they get back the stolen test has been stolen again. Nobody knows who took it but suspicions run high.
"She may be an enormous slut but she's not going to bonk a chubby LdC quarterback ..."
So forget about that for a bit. Gay Jack wants to quit football. Chipmunk Face says 'don't be a quitter'. So Gay Jack continues. Gay Jack's quarterback friend (who looks and sounds a little like a chubby Leonardo di Caprio, poor sod) confesses that he's got the hots for Chipmunk Face. Gay Jack bursts out laughing. "Man, you don't have a hope with her" says Gay Jack. "She may be an enormous slut but she's not going to bonk a chubby LdC quarterback... even if you do look a little like a chipmunk yourself." Then Crazy Andy who's doing the whole obsessive crazy thing now packs up all the stuff Pacey's given her in a box and gives it back to him. Pacey gets drunk and then drops everything in the creek.
Then Dawson shows up and says "You stole the PSAT Pacey". Pacey denies it, Dawson calls Pacey a loser, Pacey calls Dawson a virgin and reminds Dawson what a dropkick he is for sending Joey's dad to jail. Dawson tells Pacey that at least he didn't drive his girlfriend nuts, which I feel is a valid point, but Pacey punches Dawson in the head. Dawson punches Pacey back. Joey runs to Pacey's (?!) rescue. Dawson runs off to Eve where he shows obvious symptoms of concussion by claiming he doesn't like her (this is despite the fact that she is wearing an incredibly tight dress that ends like just above her belt.) Then Pacey and Dawson walk out of the PSATs and it is revealed that Crazy Andy was the one who stole the test... which makes sense because, remember, she is crazy.
And that's it. Oh, early in the episode Dawson expressed his hatred of television and said something like 'if you've seen one hour of teenage angst you've seen them all' which is, of course, just the kind of brilliantly self-referential hyper-coolness that keeps us tuning in week after week. God, I love post-modernistic irony. I wish I lived on a TV show just so that this entire web site could resonate with a similar sort of mega-hipness. And, of course, given the choice I would have to go for the Scott Baio classic.
Next Week: Scott Baio shows up and takes charge. Actually, probably not.
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.6 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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