THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 3
Score: 7.3 / 10 
2: Crazy Andy Returns!
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Well, another Thursday night, another Dawson extravaganza.
Gay Jack's dad returns to town and comes to visit Gay Jack who as we recall is living with Chipmunk Face. Gay Jack's dad says that Crazy Andy will be coming home tomorrow but he doesn't want Gay Jack to move back in with them. He says that it would be simpler for everybody if he just lived with 'that chipmunk girl and her grandmother'. 'Fine', says Gay Jack, storming off in some form of huff-like state. Dawson is pulled aside by Eve, the fantasy bimbo from last week who tells Dawson that he should really, really have sex with her. Dawson protests that he didn't believe that women like her existed. 'Well, they do' says Horny Eve. If Dawson had just thought a moment longer he may have deduced that he was simply a TV character with an absurdly horny scriptwriter. But no... instead he heads off to buy some condoms - very amusing scene at the chemist ensues. I'm sure we can all imagine.
Meanwhile, Pacey has popped up to pick up Crazy Andy. He does so with the assistance of Ah Joey who was written into the scene because she had nothing else to do for the week. Crazy Andy is no longer crazy but she is slightly moody causing Pacey to ponder. Then, Gay Jack inadvertently demonstrates that he is the single finest high school footballer in history and is drafted into the team. I predict a harrowing shower scene anti-homophobia message in about three episodes.
"Horny Eve shows up from nowhere and tells Dawson to bonk her ..."
So off we head to a 'pep rally', which, apparently is just every kid in the school screaming delight about the existence of football. Chipmunk Face is still head cheerleader. She leads some very sardonic cheers and then the football team is introduced complete with Gay Jack as No. 1 wide receiver. The quarterback rocks in and Chipmunk Face decides that it is her duty as head cheerleader to go ga-ga over him. Which she proceeds to do. Horny Eve shows up from nowhere and tells Dawson to bonk her while Dawson's little film about football is playing. (Dawson made a little film about football. Should have mentioned earlier.) They start to bonk but things go astray and their foreplay is revealed to the entire school who cheer enthusiastically... All except Joey, who does her cute 'I'm so cross at you' thing.
Pacey discovers Andy bonked another lunatic at the asylum. He tells her that he can forgive her, but he can't forget... so I think they broke up. Andy cries. She did this a lot. I think she's still a little crazy. But she's still quite cute, so let's cut her some slack, okay? Dawson inexplicably tells Horny Eve he doesn't want to bonk her. Yes. This is what men do when beautiful women come onto them, demanding a night of frenzied sex. They say 'no thank you, I'm looking for a more meaningful relationship than just pure sex'. I do this too. Honestly.
Ah Joey and Dawson have a chat and decide to be just friends. And that's it.
Not too bad at all. Still not into the whole Chipmunk Face as cheerleader thing but if Gay Jack is gonna play it could work out okay. I have hope for the future.
Next Week: Dawson continues to not bonk Horny Eve.
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.3 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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