THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 3
Score: 8 / 10 
19: Let's Get Physical
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
An absolutely bloody brilliant episode of Dawson. I am literally shaking with excitement. Or perhaps I simply have to go to the toilet...
Kid Flash and Ah Joey were supposed to be heading off to visit Auntie Em, who is Dawson's mega-cool aunt who left her rich husband to live with a dying artist because the sex was great. They were supposed to be joined by Crazy Andy and Gay Jack but only Crazy Andy showed up. "Where's your gay brother?" asked Kid Flash. "Off at Gay Camp," says Crazy Andy. "Rightey-o," says young Flasheroo. Then who should show up and ask to tag along but The Paceman and a long-lost friend of his. Where The Paceman found a friend outside the group, I do not know, but I guess that the producers had a cast budget to fill since the recent demise of the Incredibly Sensible College Boy.
So off they all head to Auntie Em's place, where she is very cool (as evidence, observe the fact that she owns a karaoke machine - you don't get cooler than that, particularly when it's stocked with A-ha classics). Meanwhile, the Chipmunks are working together at Mrs Flash's Fast Seafood Restaurant. Boy Chipmunk is a waiter, Girl Chipmunk stands around looking slutty. Anyway, one of the other waitresses also has a thing for chipmunks and starts coming onto Boy Chipmunk. He's kinda flattered and starts playing jealousy mind games with Girl Chipmunk. (Or at least that's how Girl Chipmunk interprets it. In reality, of course, nobody could be jealous of a chipmunk - so we deduce that Girl Chipmunk has been hanging around Crazy Andy a little too much.)
"... they realise that the love of a superhero is a special thing."
Also the best man at Flash's wedding (Green Lantern, I believe) has died. So that bums out the Flash couple but ultimately causes them to fall in love again. Because they realise that the love of a superhero is a special thing.
By now, Auntie Em is asking Ah Joey and Kid Flash why they're not together. Ah Joey, rather than admitting the truth (ie that she's hot for a bit of the Paceman's lovin') mutters incomprehensibly and blames it all on sunspots (or something). Then all the kids crash out and for some reason Paceman and Ah Joey are forced to share a bed. Which they do amidst much squabbling. Needless to say, Paceman can barely sleep and does his best to hide his enormous erection (I assume).
Oh, and also, it turns out that the long lost friend of Paceman's is also a pool hustler. So of course Crazy Andy falls in love with him. She is crazy.
And then there's some karaoke and Paceman gets jealous because Ah Joey and Kid Flash are singing a deeply romantic song to one another (Disco Duck). So he storms out. Ah Joey secretly follows while Dawson does his Disco Duck duck-dancin' solo. Ah Joey lets it slip that she's hungry for the Paceman's bod so he doesn't hesitate to slip the tongue. They're spotted by Auntie Em who tells them to tell Dawson because she knows how much it will hurt him. (Auntie Em is a little bit twisted in the head, but still cool.)
Then it's just a pash-o-rama from The Paceman and Ah Joey. Also, back at the restaurant, the Chipmunks squabble and the Girl Chipmunk cries because she's jealous, but nobody cares because Paceman and Ah Joey can barely keep their tongues out of one another's mouths.
And that's all. Next week: Paceman and Ah Joey toss a coin to see who gets to destroy Dawson with the revelation of their illicit tryst.
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 8 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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