THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 3
Score: 7.7 / 10 
15: Paceman PI
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Okay, we begin with Ah Joey painting a mural in the school hall. Surprisingly, she has permission for this - it is a project designed to inspire the other students and fill them with a deep sense of pride about their school. Naturally, Ah Joey has painted a wall full of Chinese symbols that say 'Degrassi High Rules OK'. The Paceman comments that this may be too subtle for her schoolmates, so Ah Joey adds a few more symbols that translate to the lyrics of B-O-P-G-I-R-L. Paceman is assuaged.
Kid Flash also wants to look at the mural but Ah Joey says 'No, you must wait until it's unveiled.' 'Oh, bollocks,' says Kid Flash. Meanwhile, Crazy Andy is performing in her role as head of the student disciplinarian committee. She sentences a fellow student to be 'hanged by the neck until he is dead'. Cool Black Principal overrules her and downgrades the sentence to 'Picking up 20 papers'. CBP then tells Crazy Andy that she topped the PSAT's many, many episodes ago(the one Crazy Andy cheated on). Crazy Andy is stunned that her little cheating plot has worked so successfully.
Okay, so Ah Joey's mural is unveiled and it has been defaced. Ah Joey is upset and runs off. Paceman runs to her rescue, and so does Kid Flash. No prizes for guessing who gets there first. But Paceman and The Superspeedster Flash Kiddie have a bit of a squabble about who might have defaced the mural. Kid Flash opines that it was random vandalism. Paceman believes rather that it was a drunken Bailey from Party of Five. Ah Joey doesn't care and just runs away.
"Besides, I love the song B-O-P-G-I-R-L"
Paceman dons the Batman mask and while Bailey doesn't pan out, he does track down the real culprit - the School Rich Kid. Naturally Paceman punches him in the head and a scuffle ensues, until it is broken up by CBP. CBP hauls them into his office, along with Kid Flash and School Rich Kid's Not-As-Rich Sidekick. 'Will anybody tell me what this is about?' asks CBP. Shakes of the head all around, but then Dawson caves and admits it's about the mural. 'I see,' says CBP. 'Did you destroy the mural, School Rich Kid?' 'No way,' says SRK. 'Besides, I love the song B-O-P-G-I-R-L.' 'A-ha!!!' says Kid Flash, his razor sharp mind coming into play. SRK is busted and expelled forever.
Crazy Andy, meanwhile, is still crazy, so confesses her cheating-ness to CBP. She had tried to talk about it to Gay Jack, making his sole appearance for the show, but Gay Jack just wanted to confess his gayness. 'I know,' sighed Crazy Andy. 'You're gay. I get it.' CBP busts Crazy Andy but doesn't expel her forever because she's cuter than SRK and she's crying (again).
And that's about it. There was a bit of a squabble between Ah Joey and Paceman and Kid Flash because Ah Joey thought that Paceman didn't like her... or something. Paceman assured her that she made him so horny he was on the verge of exploding and so they're all friends again.
Next week: CBP is attacked by the KKK. No word on who's under the hood, but my money's on the absent Chipmunks from tonight.
Begone,
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