THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 3
Score: 7.9 / 10 
14: The Dawson's Creek Players Do 'The Usual Suspects'
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Well, it's Valentine's Day at Capeside so what's going to happen? Well, everybody plans to get shit-faced at some party that The Coolest Kid in the School is holding. The Paceman's up for that, so is Gay Jack and Crazy Andy and so is Gay Jack's ex, who has come to visit because she has just broken up with her post-Gay Jack boyfriend who also turned out to be gay. She doesn't know Gay Jack's gay, which is pretty dumb (the fact that he's called Gay Jack should have been a giveaway) and Gay Jack doesn't want to tell her, in case she flips out completely.
Kid Flash is also talked into going to the cool party by The Paceman so Ah Joey goes along to be his conscience (ie to stop him drinking).
Meanwhile, the Chipmunks are going on a date. The idiot boy chipmunk has donated his entire blood supply and a kidney in order to raise enough money to buy the girl Chipmunk an authentic Green Lantern Power Ring. So they have their date but his recent massive surgery causes him to collapse and die - throwing the date plans into what many would term 'chaos'.
Everybody else is at the party, getting extremely drunk. The Flash Lad decides to have a shot at Gay Jack's ex-Fag Hag. In typical penis-less Dawson fashion he talks about kissing her and seducing her and how he would approach it but doesn't actually do it until she says 'okay, then, penis-less boy, do it'. So he moves in for the pash and she throws up - perfectly understandable and a brilliant practical joke. Then everybody's arrested by The Paceman's brother.
"Gay Jack takes the opportunity to mention that he's gay."
So the gang's all in jail. Ah Joey and Kid Flash bicker a little - mostly with Ah Joey doing 'I told you so' comments (but still very cute as she does so). The Paceman loses it, says he's sick of the entire bloody Ah Joey-Kid Flash saga and wants them to, if they're destined to be together, be bloody well together and, if they're not, stop annoying everybody by going on about it all the time. Gay Jack takes the opportunity to mention that he's gay. Fag Hag then asks Dawson if he's gay. 'No way,' says Kid Flash. 'I'm hell straight. I just have no penis.' So Ah Joey is now upset with The Paceman for being sick of the underlying premise of the entire series
Then they're suddenly all bailed out except The Paceman, because he's wanted for arson in five states. The Paceman's brother comes in and ask Paceman why he's being such a grump. 'Is it a girl?' he asks, sensitively. You bet your butt it's a girl, says The Paceman. And what a girl!! Then he rambles on about Ah Joey (without mentioning her name) for about three-quarters of an hour. His brother tells him to tell her how he feels - quoting directly from Billy Joel's Tell Her About It'. He then breaks into a version of We Didn't Start The Fire, which gets The Paceman off his arson charges.
So next morning The Paceman goes over to Ah Joey's house, apologises for being sick of the show's thematic structure and then, then.... he tells her that she is a crap driver, possibly because she's a chick. Which was a touch disappointing. I think The Paceman may be turning into Dawson. And nobody wants that.
And that's it. Next week: well, something happens I'm sure. I think Crazy Andy is busted for being a crazy cheat (see about fifteen episodes ago). Also, Paceman punches somebody in the head.
Oh yeah, Boy Chipmunk came back to life and ate some Jello. So he'll be back too.
Begone,
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