THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 3
Score: 7.8 / 10 
13: Ah Joey Loves Paceman
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Another excellent Dawson episode. Truly splendid. The Paceman loves Ah Joey, but Ah Joey... I think she may just love The Paceman. And who could blame her?
What happened? All right, The Paceman was due to star in the little play (Starship Troopers - The Musical) that was being assistant-directed by Crazy Andy. But The Paceman was wracked with nerves and other emotions - notably intense, uncontrollable jealousy as he discovered that Ah Joey had accepted a date with Incredibly Sensible College Boy (from a few episodes ago). Incredibly Sensible College Boy had invited Ah Joey on an Astronomy Date. He's sensible, but he's a bit of a geek. Like all attempts to portray intelligent people, the writers have insisted on having him use pol-y-syll-ab-ic words and talking about the kind of obscure trivia that truly intelligent people (eg Shania Twain) comfortably eschew.
So The Paceman's jealous of this turn of events. Also, guess what? The director of the play has been attacked by a kidney stone - I assume it was one of the ones inside his body, although this wasn't spelt out. In a touching deathbed scene he anointed Crazy Andy as the official director of the play, told her that the Force was with her and then faded away into nothingness.
Meanwhile, Kid Flash has quit film class. The Cool Black Chick that inspired him to do so asked why. The Flash laddie told a story about how he couldn't get laid because of Jurassic Park... or some goddamn thing. I got a bit lost there. Also, the chipmunks agree to go to the play together. But when Chipmunk Boy gets there, Chipmunk Girl has brought her grandmother along. Chipmunk Boy ponders the possibility of a menage a trois but (wisely) doesn't mention it to Chipmunk Girl (as she probably would have agreed, given her slutty nature).
"... the Paceman's performance is acclaimed as the greatest since Harry in Harry and the Hendersons ..."
So obviously the play's a hit, the Paceman's performance is acclaimed as the greatest since Harry in Harry and the Hendersons and everybody's happy... except The Paceman who's sad because Ah Joey wasn't there for opening night. She's instead having a bit of a pash with The Increasingly Incredibly Sensible Boy. But then she gets all cute and flustered and runs off to The Paceman's party, leaving IISB with a lifetime fantasy supply. Not satisfied with being a recipient of the infinite magic that is an Ah Joey kiss he follows and tracks her down and takes her back outside again, interrupting a conversation with The Paceman who was dropping some none-too-subtle hints about how much he loved her (ie he was saying things such as 'You never know when love might surprise you in the strangest of places', 'believe me I know', 'a guy could fall in love with his best friend's girl' and 'I'm totally and utterly in love with you, Ah Joey'... you know, subtle stuff like that).
Then the Boy Chipmunk climbed into the roof and told the Girl Chipmunk to admit that she loved him... and she did. Which was sweet, if a touch insane. And Ah Joey confessed to IISB that she didn't feel worthy of him, because he was so smart and wonderful and blah, blah, blah and she just felt all dumb. 'That's okay,' said IISB, 'because you are absolutely drop dead gorgeous to die for... you don't have to be smart.' Ah Joey just grinned cutely.
And that's pretty much all. Kid Flash is feeling confused because he tore his posters down (!?) so went to have a whinge to Joey. Ah Joey sighed and told him to put them back up. Crazy Andy told The Paceman that he was perfect. I know, said The Paceman, that's why I'm not settling for you any more.... I'm after Ah Joey.
Next week: It's Valentine's Day. I think moves are made all over the place. At one point, Chipmunk Boy's brain has a conniption... which is no good... but amusing.
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.8 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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