THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 1
Score: 7.7 / 10 
9: Mr Tosser Picks Up!
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
We begin with Chipmunk Face's ex-boyfriend Dale climbing into her window and scaring Grams. 'My, what big teeth you have,' says Grams. 'That's not all that's big,' says Chipmunk Face.
But Chipmunk Face tells Dale she doesn't want to have meaningless, torrid sex with him. 'Boy, you have changed,' says Dale.
So he and Mr Tosser naturally decide to head upstate to a club to track down other women. Paceman tags along, obviously.
Ah Joey accepts a lift to school with a horny young baseball player, who calls Ah Joey on her virginity. 'Haw... uh... You are!' says Ah Joey.
But the horny young baseballer starts telling everybody he's bonked Ah Joey. An understandable fantasy, but not the right way to invoke it.
"Paceman and Mr Tosser come up with a rather forced Happy Days analogy ..."
Elsewhere, Paceman and Mr Tosser come up with a rather forced Happy Days analogy, which ends when Paceman realises he's Pottsie.
Chipmunk Face and Ah Joey team up to make the horny young baseball player's life a misery. This involves Ah Joey pretending to be pregnant... a lame plan, especially compared to that of...
Mr Tosser, Paceman and Dale who have trashed a car on a ferry. Not clear why, but it's clearly very, very funny, as is Paceman's elaborate browneye.
They make it to the nightclub and frenzied chatting-up behaviour ensues. Imagine everybody's surprise when of the three of them, it is Mr Tosser who manages to score.
But no surprises when he ultimately wimps out of doing anything.
Then he picks a fight with Dale, who gets cross and abandons the two of them. So they catch a bus home. But, boy what an exciting adventure!
And that's about all. Ah Joey's little pregnancy scam is abandoned and everybody moves happily on with their wretched lives. A so-so episode.
Next Week: Mr Tosser tries to scare everybody in a Friday 13th episode (on May 9). He accomplishes this by revealing his philosophies on life. Spooky beyond imagining!
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.7 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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