THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 1
Score: 7.2 / 10 
6: Paceman Commits Perjury
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Okay... Dawson was by now motoring along magnificently.
We begin with The Paceman bragging to Mr Tosser about his sexual shenanigans with Miss Farquar. Little does he know that there's a sneaky little spy hiding in the toilet who overhears Paceman's erotic tale and immediately spreads it around the school.
Soon everybody is shaking Paceman's hand and congratulating him on his unbridled stallion-osity. 'Thanks very much,' says Paceman, signing autographs happily.
Less happy is Miss Farquar. 'Paceman,' she says. 'Have you ever at any point considered using your brain cells? Now we're both gonna get busted big time.'
'Oh yeah,' says Paceman. 'I forgot.'
But it's too late for Paceman's unique brand of stupidity to get him out of this mess. The big, nasty school board has got wind of the rumour and they're looking to bust Miss Farquar big time.
'Oops,' says Paceman.
Ah Joey tracks down Paceman and laughs herself silly because for once nobody's talking about her wretched family.
Then suddenly Ah Joey's sister goes into labour just as nobody's available to deliver the baby. Oh no... can you imagine the odds? After a bit of panicking and comical running around, Ah Joey calls on Grams to come and deliver the baby.
"She'll need drugs."
'I'll be glad to,' says Grams. 'She'll need drugs.' And she makes Chipmunk Face get her drug box and off they go to deliver the baby.
Meanwhile Miss Farquar has been called before Judge Judy as they try and determine the truth about her banging The Paceman.
'Is it true that you were nailing young Paceman?' asks Judge Judy.
But before Miss Farquar can answer, The Paceman bursts in and unleashes an impromptu, heartfelt speech, denying any sexual goings-on and instead claims to have made the whole thing up. This is the first instance of Paceman's devotion to being just an all-round good guy, willing to sacrifice his own well-being to help those he cares about. It is also, of course, the first instance of The Paceman's willingness to commit perjury and other criminal acts. But not the last.
Over at Mr Tosser's house, Grams has delivered the baby by the ingenious technique of praying for an obstetrician, who conveniently materialised out of thin air and did his thing. And, of course, Mr Tosser establishes his renowned level of tosser-ness by filming everything in slo-mo. What a tosser.
And that's about it. Miss Farquar leaves town, but not before sledging Paceman's Gay Cop Brother. Chipmunk Face admits to Grams that she's a Satanist. And Mr Tosser... does his tossing thing a bit more.
Next Week: We welcome the Dawson's Creek Players who perform their own interpretation of The Breakfast Club.
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.2 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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