THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 1
Score: 7.3 / 10 
4: Mrs Flash Is Busted
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
After a few weeks break recovering from the insanity of trying to assess three episodes of Dawson a week, I'm back with the far more sensible option of waiting until the Foxtel early episodes repeat one at a time.
So where were we?
Ah yes, that's right. Mr Tosser trying to get into Chipmunk Face's pants and Paceman succeeding in getting into Miss Farquar's pants. Lots of pants work.
So Mr Tosser has found the footage of Paceman nailing Miss Farquar and pretends that he has no idea where it came from. Ah Joey doesn't buy this for a second... and rightly so.
Paceman hears about the footage and freaks out. 'Can you see who the guy is?' he asks. 'Just some stupid-lookin' young doofus...' says Mr Tosser. And then instantly realises that it must have been Paceman. Oaths to secrecy are sworn, as well as (inexplicably) the Green Lantern Power Ring oath.
Meanwhile Mr Tosser is doing post-production on his lame horror movie. This is just an excuse to spend more time with a chipmunk, claiming he wants to redub all her lines in Spanish.
"Everybody knew your mother was a whore."
While they're doing the lame post-production, Mr Tosser sees his mother, Mrs Flash, having a bit of a pash with somebody other than Mr Flash. Mr Tosser freaks out, discards Chipmunk Face and then goes off to talk to Ah Joey. 'Oh yeah,' says Ah Joey. 'Everybody knew your mother was a whore.' Mr Tosser gets mad because nobody told him about his mother's loose morals so he storms off.
Paceman is worried because Miss Farquar keeps talking flirtatiously with some other teacher. He complains and does all kinds of jealous stuff until Miss Farquar assures him that she just likes the other teacher for his mind. She still wants Paceman's young and powerful bod.
Then Chipmunk Face tries to reassure Mr Tosser that his mother's sleeping with hordes of people other than Mr Flash is nothing abnormal. 'I, too, have slept with many men in an incredibly slutty fashion,' she reveals.
This doesn't appease Mr Tosser who dumps Chipmunk Face and mopes until the show ends.
Another very stupid episode. Why would anyone have put up with this?
But next week, everything improves. And about time too.
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.3 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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