THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 1
Score: 7.8 / 10 
12: Ah Joey Tries To Sing
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Mr Tosser has somehow become a judge in the local beauty contest. He suggests Chipmunk Face should enter, making the ludicrous claim that 'you're beautiful, nobody can dispute that...' Bizarre. She refuses, and then tries to befriend Ah Joey. 'You're kidding, aren't you?' says Ah Joey, snubbing her mercilessly.
Paceman, meanwhile, is off looking for a bachelor pad. He needs money, so decides to enter the beauty contest, because there's a prize for $5,000 and the opportunity to hang out with babes. Ah Joey has also been convinced to enter by Chipmunk Face.
Mr Tosser, with his usual display of style and sensitivity, laughs himself silly that Ah Joey is entering a beauty contest. Ah Joey of course gets the shits about this and Mr Tosser stands about with a stupid puzzled look on his face.
So Ah Joey runs over to Chipmunk Face who teaches her how to walk in heels and wear slutty make-up. Meanwhile, in a very comedic scene, Paceman is searching for a talent that he has, so is singing for Mr Flash and Mr Tosser. It's spectacularly awful so Mr Flash looks for another talent. 'Maybe you should have sex with your teacher again, Paceman' he suggests.
Then we're off to the pre-interviews. Mr Tosser, inexplicably, is doing the interviews. So he asks Ah Joey some deep questions and they end up squabbling again, with Ah Joey giving a pseudo-ultimatum to Mr Tosser. 'I'm outta this town and away from you as soon as I can be, possibly as soon as next week's episode.'
"Mr Tosser ... claims that Paceman has 'testicles of steel'."
Mr Tosser, in a memorable scene, claims that Paceman has 'testicles of steel'. Then it's the evening wear competition and Ah Joey comes out and Mr Tosser actually notices she's babe-alicious!
Halle-bloody-lujah.
Paceman, meanwhile, is winning everybody over with his wit and charm. Mrs Flash tells him that although he's brilliantly delightful, he cannot win the competition. 'Well, that's very bogus,' says Paceman and storms off.
Ah Joey now decides to sing a song. Mr Tosser is again staggered by her babe-aliciousness, if not her paltry singing ability. Chipmunk Face is trying to talk to him about how much he misses his friendship. 'Yeah, shut up a tick,' says Mr Tosser.
Then, for some reason, Paceman pretends to be Braveheart. Nobody knows why, or wear he got the blue face-paint from, but it's funny.
Then Ah Joey overhears the rich bitches slamming her and runs off, crying. Mr Tosser stops her and suggests that she also has 'testicles of steel'. While not particularly appropriate, Ah Joey somehow sees through Mr Tosser's genitalia stupidity and continues on to take an inspiring second place!
Ah Joey and Mr Tosser walk home. Mr Tosser mentions that he now thinks she's babe-alicious. For some reason, Ah Joey takes offence at this, discards him and walks home alone.
Chipmunk Face comes over to 'comfort' Mr Tosser. 'Let's get back together and hump like rabbits' she says. 'You're kidding,' says Mr Tosser. 'Did you see how hot Ah Joey looked? You're never going to compete with that.'
And that's about all. A splendid episode. Several hundred thousand out of a few hundred thousand.
Next Week: Ah Joey gets the opportunity to go to Paris. So, Mr Tosser emotionally blackmails her into staying. Magnificent stuff.
Begone,
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