THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 1
Score: 7.7 / 10 
1: Enter The Chipmunk
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
All right, now this was my inital impression as faithfully stored in my Sent Items box after I watched the very first episode of Dawson's Creek way back on Australia Day 1999.
I watched the first episode of Dawson's Creek last night and... and can I just say that this is a seriously disturbed show. 'I'm the best sex you'll never have' - yeah, that's what I was saying to teachers when I was 15 years old. I was completely at ease with my sexual development and flirted confidently and with style. Yeah, pshaw, I still don't know what the hell I'm doing. (Some of you may have noticed.)
Clearly, I was disturbingly naive at the time and, well let's be blunt, both demented and sad.
Watching this very first episode again, with the benefit of years of experience I can now provide a much more balanced perspective.
So here's what happened. Chipmunk Face arrived in town, and Mr Tosser immediately started following her around, drooling like an idiot. This did not please Ah Joey who was going through her idiot Dawson Crush phase at this time.
Ah Joey and Mr Tosser were struggling to negotiate the dangerous waters of Lake Puberty while simultaneously remaining afloat in the good vessel, FriendShip. (Where I'm going with this bizarre analogy, I do not know...)
Meanwhile, Paceman is hungering for the loins of some older bimbo who eventually turns out to be his teacher. Nothing unusual about that. (Hi Miss Farquar if you've logged on)
"Miss Farquar, however, flirts back with The Paceman ..."
Miss Farquar, however, flirts back with The Paceman... and understandably so, given his stallion-like nature (which may not be apparent just yet... but will eventually bloom... oh yes it will)
So Paceman's after his teacher, Mr Tosser is pursuing Chipmunk Face and they go to the movies and drag Ah Joey along for... well, I'm not exactly sure why, but I think it has something to do with Mr Tosser having no penis.
Once at the movies, Paceman gets into a fist fight with Miss Farquar's date, Mr Tosser is too big a weenie to even put his hand on Chipmunk Face's paw, Ah Joey goes completely mental and the cinema burns down. (The last is implied.)
Paceman catches up with Miss Farquar, sprouts his brilliant 'Best sex you'll never have' line and she falls for it! She slips The Paceman the tongue in a large way and that's more or less that.
Back in Mr Tosser's bedroom, Ah Joey explains that she's unhappy that puberty has somehow made Mr Tosser even more stupid. Then, for reasons that elude me, wants to know how often Mr Tosser 'walks his dog' (a subtle euphemisim for... you know... whatsisnameing with his thingey)
Mr Tosser refuses to tell her and Ah Joey gets upset and heads for home, crying at this lack of knowledge on her behalf. Mr Tosser strides angrily around the room then yells out the window 'I never walk my dog, Ah Joey. I have no penis and therefore cannot masturbate which is what I assume you meant by dog-walking.'
Ah Joey laughs... but then sees Mrs Flash behaving like a common whore and cheating on Mr Flash.
Absolutely brilliant. The finest first episode of a TV show since... oh, I don't know... Punky Brewster. Next Week: Mr Tosser's Terrible Secret
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.7 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
If it should be higher, click the green arrow:
And if you think it should be lower, try the red one:
To receive this kind of stuff via a convenient regular email, visit the subscription page
Or don't. I'm not the boss of you.
