THE DAWSON FILES
Know Your Dawson's Creek Cast
Okay, here's your quick guide to the Dawson Creek Players. Memorise it, or be left behind forever...
Main Characters
NAME(S): Dawson, Kid Flash, Mr Tosser, Dunstan
NOTES: prone to crapping on about Spielberg and making post-modern comments about life and self. Loves Ah Joey, but mysteriously refused to do anything when she took her top off. The current theory for this behaviour is simply that he lacks a penis.
KEY WORD: Tosser
NAME(S): Ah Joey, Joey
NOTES: very cute but brought herself undone in early seasons by having a 'thing' for Mr Tosser. Redeemed herself in the third season by developing a perfectly understandable lust for The Paceman.
KEY WORD: Dimples
NAME(S): The Paceman, Pacey
NOTES: an amiable oaf who finally soared majestically into Ah Joey's pants by the simple, yet ingenious plan of standing beside Kid Flash all the time. Couldn't help but look good with such a strategy.
KEY WORD: Cunning
NAME(S): Chipmunk Face, Jen
NOTES: renowned for her loose behaviour and looking like a chipmunk. She has previously contemplated suicide but failed to go through with it. We remain hopeful, however.
KEY WORD: Slut
NAME(S): Gay Jack, Jack
NOTES: spends an awful lot of time telling everybody how gay he is, but up until the last episode of the third season didn't back up his words with actions. Say it now, say it loud, Jack's gay and he's proud. And, oh, did he mention that he was gay?
KEY WORD (not counting his favourite):Experimentation
NAME(S): Crazy Andy, Andy
NOTES: absolutely crazy. Keeps us amused with her many insane hijinks. Has a thing for The Paceman but masks it by being clinically mad.
KEY WORD: Tears
Other Characters
CRAZY AUDREY: A heinous loathsome creature who we are supposed to find wacky and zany and kooky and fun. But don't.
FLASH: Kid Flash's dad. The original Flash. Remarried Mrs Flash despite her loose behaviour. Secretly ashamed of Dawson for having no penis and not rodgering Ah Joey when he had the chance. Killed at the hands of the Anti-Monitor during the fifth season.
MRS FLASH: Kid Flash's mum. Cheated on The Flash, but has learnt her lesson and is now allowed back in the house.
GRAMS: Chipmunk Face's grandmother. Called 'Grams' because she is Cape Side's major cocaine connection.
CHIPMUNK BOY (aka Leonardo Di Caprio Chipmunk Boy): Just a spooky little weenie. Stalks chipmunks in his spare time, most notably the third season.
PACEMAN'S BABE SISTER (PBS): Had a bit of fun in the fourth season by toying with Mr Tosser's feelings. Beautiful and funny.
BRUCE WAYNE: A rich kid who grew up with Chipmunk Face in Gotham City.
ALVIN: Lead singer of 'Alvin And The Chipmunks' who spent most of the fifth season running around seducing Chipmunk Face and Ah Joey.
BEN STILLER WANNABE: A zany and wacky writer of movies who has pinned his star to Dunstan. Ben Stiller Wannabe also led an outrageous coup attempt in the fifth season, attempting to usurp control of the show from the original cast.
BONO: Lead singer of U2
