Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

When Nanna confided in me her belief that ‘The Hip-Hop’ wasn’t ‘all that bad’, I immediately, like any loving grandson would, panicked. I don’t care what those filthy actuarial tables say, 81 is too young to be courting such deep senility. Scared and unsure what to do, I got immediately up in her face, yelling [...]

If I was an up and coming dentist with a growing reputation for the way I wielded those little mirrors, I think I’d secretly hope that one day I might get a tap on the shoulder and an invitation to work on the cavities of Medusa. Because, dude, that’s a challenge. [...]

“Tonight, the show that threatens to redefine Reality Television as we know it. Eight hard-nosed businesswomen from across the country. Each striving to build the most successful brothel in the American Midwest. What they don’t know is that all of their prostitutes are bears. You don’t want to miss… Grizzly Madams.”

Linda knew she should thank Mary for her efforts with the transplant surgery. In an emergency situation, with nobody else on hand to operate, Mary had stood up and volunteered. Oh, sure, she was dangerously untrained. And, yes, she had only the sparsest knowledge of basic anatomy. And, as a result, most of Linda’s new [...]

“Mary, we love your gardening show and, hell, its ratings are solid, all things considered. But if you want to generate buzz and get even more people tuning in, then I’m afraid you need to be more outrageous. Get people riled up. Get some really heated debate going. This ‘quite contrary’ schtick? It just ain’t gonna cut it.”

Classical music fans can rave about Beethoven all they like. But I just listened to a bit of ‘his’ Fifth Symphony and he’s clearly just ripped off the Judge Judy theme music. Also, he’s named himself after a cinematic St Bernard! I say, grow up, Ludwig. That deaf card is played out.

This thrilling new competition from Foxtel’s TV1 challenges viewers to answer (in the traditional 1.25 score or less words) the following question: ‘If you could be a fairytale character, who would you be and why?’

Also, special bonus tie-breaker question: ‘Guess the number of smart-ass atheists who entered ‘God’ as their answer’.

“Your honour, I concede that I did, indeed, attempt to ‘make out’ with the woman in question well after she’d lost consciousness.  But she wanted me to do it. I know she did. Don’t you know who I am?”

“Hmmm?? What’s that? The dwarves? Oh, they were just there to watch.”

“No, ‘Charming’ is not meant ironically.”

Tiger Woods has taken an indefinite break from golf in an attempt to save his marriage. Um, Tiger? I don’t think golf’s the problem. How about taking an indefinite break from shagging hordes of women who aren’t your wife?

Tip for editors of biographies about Post-Impressionist painters: Vincent Van Gogh: End of an Era? That’s a title extremely prone to typos.