Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

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1. LA X (Part One)
2. LA X (Part Two)
3. What Kate Does
4. The Substitute
5. Lighthouse
6. Sundown
7. Dr Linus

LA X (Part One)

Character Breakdown - Episode 601

After last season’s all-nukin’ finale, we open on Oceanic 815 (again! come on writers, try something new for once in your by-the-numbers lives!). But this time, there’s no crash, mostly because ocean-dwelling cameras reveal that the island has been sunk to the bottom of the ocean. Ha ha ha! Take that, you stupid island. So, huzzah! The Doc’s plan to reset everything (shamelessly pilfered from the recently slaughtered Faraday in the usual manner of most scientific breakthroughs) is a breathtaking triumph. Except, uh, for the timeline where it isn’t. Because it turns out that The Doc, Kate, Hurley, Sawyer, Jin and Miles are also, in some needlessly confusing sense, still on the island. This other timeline is one of those bad news, good news situations. Bad news – Sayid’s dying of a bullet wound. Juliet’s dying of a plummet-down-a-large-hole-in-the-ground wound and Locke’s possessed by Jacob’s murderer, the evil Man In Black, who also, it turns out, is the Smoke Monster, who seems hellbent on some kind of murderous rampage. However, good news – everybody seems more or less unscathed from the, uh, hydrogen bomb they set off. Also, they’re no longer trapped in 1977, so if they can sort this mess out and get back to civilisation, they can all get iPads™.

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Faraday (+37%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Jin (-74%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Ben (+3%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

LA X (Part Two)

Character Breakdown - Episode 602

Well, Oceanic’s safety record may be vastly improved in the new nuke-induced reality, but their baggage handling reputation could still use some much-needed work. Because it turns out the airline has lost The Doc’s dead dad’s coffin. Also, Locke’s knives. And, uh, Kate the fugitive. So, the title ‘Lost’ takes on a thrilling new mislaid-luggage-centric meaning in this parallel timeline. Meanwhile, back in the original timeline, the gang head off to the temple where Hurley assures everybody else that Sayid can be saved. Which he eventually is, but only after some breaking of giant guitar case-dwelling ankhs, a determined refusal by The King of the Temple to speak the English language and a spirited Sayid death scene. “Wait,” says The Doc. “Didn’t you clowns say you could prevent Sayid from dying of the bullet wound?” “Indeed,” says the Temple Translator and goes on to point out that they’d drowned him to death instead. The Doc curses. Got them on a technicality. But before the debate over the fine print of their agreement can get too hostile, Sayid rises from the dead. Which should certainly help mimimise the lawyer fees.

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Sun (+55%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Jin (-70%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Jack (-3%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

What Kate Does

Character Breakdown - Episode 603

Hey, remember Claire? Y’know, the blonde yummy mummy who, in early seasons, was always giving Charlie grief about her ‘bay-bee’? Not really? Can’t say I blame you. Ah, but do you remember Rousseau? The batshit French chick who set traps all over the island just for the hell of it? Not really again? Can’t blame you there, either. But the writers, knowing that casual viewers will only half-remember either of these two ladies, have come up with the only logical solution: they’ve merged the two into one character. Voila! Cue scene of Batshit Island Claire using a bear trap to rescue Jin, who is busily fleeing T’Others. (Also ostensibly fleeing T’Others are Sawyer and Kate. However, as one might expect, these two manage to flee only as far as the New Otherton docks before they get distracted by a quick game of ‘Sobbing Ring Toss’.) Of course, off the island in that other timeline, Claire’s nowhere near as awesome, refusing to use any kind of animal trap whatsoever on the reneging adoptive parents of her unborn baby. Still, she does manage to commandeer Kate into being her Birth Partner. “Just tell me to breathe!” says Claire. “Kinda busy fleeing the pigs,” says Kate. “Can’t you give birth some other episode?” “Oh sure,” says Dr Ethan, who wanders in, still totally creepy no matter what timeline he’s in. He pulls out his diary: “July’s good for me.”

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Ben (+74%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Kate (-98%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Miles (+20%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

The Substitute

Character Breakdown - Episode 604

The Locke/Smoke Monster (not to be confused with the Loch Ness Monster or Smokin’ Lily Munster) has checked his TV Guide and seen that there are only a dozen or so episodes of the show to go before it’s all over. “Time for some answers,” he suddenly declares. But, because this is still Lost, these ‘answers’ a) are still confusing as all get-out and b) require a needless cliff-face climb down a Rickety Ladder of Almost-Certain Plummeting. Sawyer, drunk off his scone with post-Ring Toss mourning and whiskey, cares not a jot. He follows Locke/Smoke Monster into a cave and is shown a cave wall covered in names, most of which are crossed out. “These were all candidates to replace Jacob as the island’s protector,” ‘explains’ Locke/Smoke Monster. “The one’s crossed out didn’t meet his standards.” “No shit,” says Sawyer, eyeing in particular the names of Karl, Nikki and Dude Who Got Sucked Into The Engine In The Pilot. “But what are all these numbers also scrawled on the wall? Are they related to, y’know, the mystery of the numbers that loyal viewers have been puzzling over for six freakin’ seasons now?” “No,” says Locke/Smoke Monster. “Sudoku™ working.” Over in the alternate timeline, it turns out that Ben is a history teacher. So, we know he’s still the embodiment of all that is evil and twisted.

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Hurley (+62%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Claire (-100%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Miles (+14%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

Lighthouse

Character Breakdown - Episode 605

The writers promised answers in this final season and, hoo-boy, they are beginning to deliver. At long last, the epic mystery of ‘Whatever Happened To Shannon’s Asthma Inhaler’ has been answered. This mystery has been hanging over our heads since the very first season, puzzling everybody with it’s subtleties and ramifications. And the solution to this mystery is suitably epic: Shannon dropped it on the ground. Explains everything. In other, less important news, The Doc and Hurley head off on an ill-defined mission which culminates in The Doc smashing mirrors up in fury (no surprises there). Parallel story-wise, The Doc’s got a kid and an ex-wife (half a surprise there). And, elsewhere on the island, Claire is crazying it up, old school. At one point, she’s interrogating one of T’Others about Aaron. “Where’s my baby?” she screams at T’Other, ignoring the fact that Jin has already laboriously explained that Kate has him. “Don’t axe me,” says T’Other. “It’s pronounce ‘ask‘, you yokel inbred,” says Claire. And then drives an axe into his stomach. And only then gets his meaning. “Oh… right,” she says. “Sorry.”

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Locke (+51%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Kate (-94%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Miles (-2%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

Sundown

Character Breakdown - Episode 606

Sayid and The Locke/Smoke Monster have a chat. As always, Sayid’s opening gambit is to, uh, stab a knife in somebody’s chest. But, like grown-ups, the two of them move swiftly past that social faux pas and The Locke/Smoke Monster comes up with a counter-offer for Sayid. “Why don’t you go on a hell-sick bloodthirsty rampage in the Temple, murdering the snot out of Dogen and Lennon with some of your kick-ass breakdancin’ ju-jitsu moves or some drownery antics or whatever makes you happy. And, hell, why not go equi-batshit in that other universe and shoot up that reality’s version of Keamy and all his buddies who are busily extorting money from your non-chicken-strangling brother (who, BTW, has married your woman).” “And what do I get in return for this barbaric slaughter?” says Sayid, as always the wily negotiator. “A badass slo-mo sequence after the battle,” says Locke/Smoke Monster. Sounds good to Sayid, and he agrees to the deal, before suddenly realising he forgot to specify what music would play under the badass slo-mo sequence. So, alas, it’s Crazy Island Claire singing Catch A Falling Star. Oh, Sayid. Hammer out the fine print, man.

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Locke (+50%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Kate (-92%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Sayid (+2%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

Dr Linus

So, in the alternate universe, Ben’s a European History teacher who hates the principal of his school and so, on Locke’s demented urging, is going to make a play for his job. Alas, despite his best-laid plans, Ben’s attempted blackmailing powerplay is undone when the principal reveals that if Ben brings him down, he (the principal) will, in turn, destroy Alex’s chance at a successful college future. How does Ben react to this setback to his Machiavellian scheme? Does he brutally stab the principal to death? Offer to save the principal’s pregnant sister from cancer if he does what Ben asks? Perhaps he pretends to plant a bomb in the principal’s heart that will explode if his heart-rate goes above a certain level? Or maybe he chooses to simply claim that the principal has no dick (shoutout to Ghostbusters fans)? Nope. In this reality, Ben backs down to save Alex’s future. What a nutty old timeline this is turning out to be! In island news, The Doc and Richard Alpert play a game of chicken with a lit stick of dynamite. Presumably they’re sick of golf.

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