Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

1. LA X (Part One)
2. LA X (Part Two)
3. What Kate Does
4. The Substitute
5. Lighthouse
6. Sundown
7. Dr Linus
8. Recon
9. Ab Aeterno
10. The Package
11. Happily Ever After
12. Everybody Loves Hugo
13. The Last Recruit
14. The Candidate
15. Across The Sea
16. What They Died For
17. The End (Part One)
18. The End (Part Two)

LA X (Part One)

After last season’s all-nukin’ finale, we open on Oceanic 815 (again! come on writers, try something new for once in your by-the-numbers lives!). But this time, there’s no crash, mostly because ocean-dwelling cameras reveal that the island has been sunk to the bottom of the ocean. Ha ha ha! Take that, you stupid island. So, huzzah! The Doc’s plan to reset everything (shamelessly pilfered from the recently slaughtered Faraday in the usual manner of most scientific breakthroughs) is a breathtaking triumph. Except, uh, for the timeline where it isn’t. Because it turns out that The Doc, Kate, Hurley, Sawyer, Jin and Miles are also, in some needlessly confusing sense, still on the island. This other timeline is one of those bad news, good news situations. Bad news – Sayid’s dying of a bullet wound. Juliet’s dying of a plummet-down-a-large-hole-in-the-ground wound and Locke’s possessed by Jacob’s murderer, the evil Man In Black, who also, it turns out, is the Smoke Monster, who seems hellbent on some kind of murderous rampage. However, good news – everybody seems more or less unscathed from the, uh, hydrogen bomb they set off. Also, they’re no longer trapped in 1977, so if they can sort this mess out and get back to civilisation, they can all get iPads™. When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Faraday (+37%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Jin (-74%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Ben (+3%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

LA X (Part Two)

Well, Oceanic’s safety record may be vastly improved in the new nuke-induced reality, but their baggage handling reputation could still use some much-needed work. Because it turns out the airline has lost The Doc’s dead dad’s coffin. Also, Locke’s knives. And, uh, Kate the fugitive. So, the title ‘Lost’ takes on a thrilling new mislaid-luggage-centric meaning in this parallel timeline. Meanwhile, back in the original timeline, the gang head off to the temple where Hurley assures everybody else that Sayid can be saved. Which he eventually is, but only after some breaking of giant guitar case-dwelling ankhs, a determined refusal by The King of the Temple to speak the English language and a spirited Sayid death scene. “Wait,” says The Doc. “Didn’t you clowns say you could prevent Sayid from dying of the bullet wound?” “Indeed,” says the Temple Translator and goes on to point out that they’d drowned him to death instead. The Doc curses. Got them on a technicality. But before the debate over the fine print of their agreement can get too hostile, Sayid rises from the dead. Which should certainly help mimimise the lawyer fees. When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Sun (+55%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Jin (-70%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Jack (-3%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

What Kate Does

Hey, remember Claire? Y’know, the blonde yummy mummy who, in early seasons, was always giving Charlie grief about her ‘bay-bee’? Not really? Can’t say I blame you. Ah, but do you remember Rousseau? The batshit French chick who set traps all over the island just for the hell of it? Not really again? Can’t blame you there, either. But the writers, knowing that casual viewers will only half-remember either of these two ladies, have come up with the only logical solution: they’ve merged the two into one character. Voila! Cue scene of Batshit Island Claire using a bear trap to rescue Jin, who is busily fleeing T’Others. (Also ostensibly fleeing T’Others are Sawyer and Kate. However, as one might expect, these two manage to flee only as far as the New Otherton docks before they get distracted by a quick game of ‘Sobbing Ring Toss’.) Of course, off the island in that other timeline, Claire’s nowhere near as awesome, refusing to use any kind of animal trap whatsoever on the reneging adoptive parents of her unborn baby. Still, she does manage to commandeer Kate into being her Birth Partner. “Just tell me to breathe!” says Claire. “Kinda busy fleeing the pigs,” says Kate. “Can’t you give birth some other episode?” “Oh sure,” says Dr Ethan, who wanders in, still totally creepy no matter what timeline he’s in. He pulls out his diary: “July’s good for me.” When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Ben (+74%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Kate (-98%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Miles (+20%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

The Substitute

The Locke/Smoke Monster (not to be confused with the Loch Ness Monster or Smokin’ Lily Munster) has checked his TV Guide and seen that there are only a dozen or so episodes of the show to go before it’s all over. “Time for some answers,” he suddenly declares. But, because this is still Lost, these ‘answers’ a) are still confusing as all get-out and b) require a needless cliff-face climb down a Rickety Ladder of Almost-Certain Plummeting. Sawyer, drunk off his scone with post-Ring Toss mourning and whiskey, cares not a jot. He follows Locke/Smoke Monster into a cave and is shown a cave wall covered in names, most of which are crossed out. “These were all candidates to replace Jacob as the island’s protector,” ‘explains’ Locke/Smoke Monster. “The one’s crossed out didn’t meet his standards.” “No shit,” says Sawyer, eyeing in particular the names of Karl, Nikki and Dude Who Got Sucked Into The Engine In The Pilot. “But what are all these numbers also scrawled on the wall? Are they related to, y’know, the mystery of the numbers that loyal viewers have been puzzling over for six freakin’ seasons now?” “No,” says Locke/Smoke Monster. “Sudoku™ working.” Over in the alternate timeline, it turns out that Ben is a history teacher. So, we know he’s still the embodiment of all that is evil and twisted. When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Hurley (+62%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Claire (-100%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Miles (+14%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

Lighthouse

The writers promised answers in this final season and, hoo-boy, they are beginning to deliver. At long last, the epic mystery of ‘Whatever Happened To Shannon’s Asthma Inhaler’ has been answered. This mystery has been hanging over our heads since the very first season, puzzling everybody with it’s subtleties and ramifications. And the solution to this mystery is suitably epic: Shannon dropped it on the ground. Explains everything. In other, less important news, The Doc and Hurley head off on an ill-defined mission which culminates in The Doc smashing mirrors up in fury (no surprises there). Parallel story-wise, The Doc’s got a kid and an ex-wife (half a surprise there). And, elsewhere on the island, Claire is crazying it up, old school. At one point, she’s interrogating one of T’Others about Aaron. “Where’s my baby?” she screams at T’Other, ignoring the fact that Jin has already laboriously explained that Kate has him. “Don’t axe me,” says T’Other. “It’s pronounce ‘ask‘, you yokel inbred,” says Claire. And then drives an axe into his stomach. And only then gets his meaning. “Oh… right,” she says. “Sorry.” When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Locke (+51%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Kate (-94%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Miles (-2%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

Sundown

Sayid and The Locke/Smoke Monster have a chat. As always, Sayid’s opening gambit is to, uh, stab a knife in somebody’s chest. But, like grown-ups, the two of them move swiftly past that social faux pas and The Locke/Smoke Monster comes up with a counter-offer for Sayid. “Why don’t you go on a hell-sick bloodthirsty rampage in the Temple, murdering the snot out of Dogen and Lennon with some of your kick-ass breakdancin’ ju-jitsu moves or some drownery antics or whatever makes you happy. And, hell, why not go equi-batshit in that other universe and shoot up that reality’s version of Keamy and all his buddies who are busily extorting money from your non-chicken-strangling brother (who, BTW, has married your woman).” “And what do I get in return for this barbaric slaughter?” says Sayid, as always the wily negotiator. “A badass slo-mo sequence after the battle,” says Locke/Smoke Monster. Sounds good to Sayid, and he agrees to the deal, before suddenly realising he forgot to specify what music would play under the badass slo-mo sequence. So, alas, it’s Crazy Island Claire singing Catch A Falling Star. Oh, Sayid. Hammer out the fine print, man. When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Locke (+50%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Kate (-92%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Sayid (+2%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

Dr Linus

So, in the alternate universe, Ben’s a European History teacher who hates the principal of his school and so, on Locke’s demented urging, is going to make a play for his job. Alas, despite his best-laid plans, Ben’s attempted blackmailing powerplay is undone when the principal reveals that if Ben brings him down, he (the principal) will, in turn, destroy Alex’s chance at a successful college future. How does Ben react to this setback to his Machiavellian scheme? Does he brutally stab the principal to death? Offer to save the principal’s pregnant sister from cancer if he does what Ben asks? Perhaps he pretends to plant a bomb in the principal’s heart that will explode if his heart-rate goes above a certain level? Or maybe he chooses to simply claim that the principal has no dick (shoutout to Ghostbusters fans)? Nope. In this reality, Ben backs down to save Alex’s future. What a nutty old timeline this is turning out to be! In island news, The Doc and Richard Alpert play a game of chicken with a lit stick of dynamite. Presumably they’re sick of golf. When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Ben (+41%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Kate (-96%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Sayid (-0%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

Recon

Sawyer’s the best damn liar that the Locke/Smoke Monster has ever seen. Or so he (LSM) claims. But we all know that’s a lie in and of itself, because, like, he’s met (infamous Piscean) Ben, hasn’t he? So, by that lyin’ logic, the Locke/Smoke Monster is also setting himself up as a candidate to be the King of the Island Liars. Neat. But there’ll be plenty of time for determining the fibbiest cast member later (or will there?? discuss). Instead, we spend this episode following Sawyer and his usual testosterone-laden antics (eg bedding both Charlotte and an unnamed wench (sideways reality), reminiscing about the time he shagged Kate (island reality), flirting with a Tina Fey lookalike (island reality), talking submarine smack with Charles Widmore (island reality) and watching kickass episodes of Little House on the Prairie (sideways reality)). James Ford. Man’s man. In other news, Batshit Claire tries to murder the snot out of Kate under the gaze of Sayid, who is emotionless. Or a zombie. Or asleep. Or some damn thing. When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Richard (+74%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Sawyer (-78%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Sayid (-1%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

Ab Aeterno

It’s time for some Richard Alpert backstory. Or, as most loyal viewers would agree, several seasons past time. It turns out he’s a nineteenth century horse-riding Spaniard who ‘accidentally’ murdered a doctor who both dillied and dallied when it came to providing medicine for his (Richard Alpert’s) wife. That’s one way to keep them at the top of their game, RA. (Other ways to keep doctors on the top of their game? Locking them in an underwater prison and making them watch the woman they love and their most bitter rival get it on in a polar bear cage. Thanks for that tip, Ben L, from somewhere other than Portland). Anyway, rather than being hailed for his breakthrough in the whole doctor-patient relations arena, Richard is instead sentenced to death. In accordance with 18th Century Spanish Law, this is downgraded on appeal to being a slave on a ship that gets smashed into the middle of the island. After everybody else dies, Richard becomes a plaything to be batted forth between Jacob and the Man In Black. Eventually, he sides with Jacob and ends the episode by still sticking with him, thanks to some timely Hurley Ghost Whisperer work. Meanwhile, in that other universe, Richard’s been dead for well over a century. So, rather than spend precious screen time lingering on a weed-ridden grave, we just skip the alternate universe entirely this episode. Ah, those Lost writers. Always thinking. When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Richard (+75%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Locke (-86%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Jack (+10%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

The Package

So, in the mysterious other timeline, it turns out Jin and Sun totally aren’t married. But does this stop them from shagging like non-English speaking rabbits? Of course not. Don’t be naive. As Sun says, they’re a “modern couple with modern sexual urges and if they want to shack up in a modern hotel for a few modern lust-crazed days of modern blouse-unbuttoning antics, then that’s their business, and who cares if her father’s going to send a hitman to kill Jin for deflowering his daughter in direct defiance of company policy. Right?” “Exactly,” says Jin. “Wait, what?” Then Keamy shows up and prepares to murder Jin, possibly via his relentless Christopher Walken impression. Luckily, as we’ve already seen, Sayid shows up and saves the day. But then, Sayid leaves the episode and the day is almost immediately unsaved, what with foolhardy gunplay that leaves Mikhail shot in the eye and Sun in the stomach. Back on the island, meanwhile, Sun has run into a tree and forgotten how to speak English. “But isn’t that, like, totally ridiculous?” says Miles. Yes, Miles. Yes it is. When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Hurley (+83%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Locke (-91%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Sayid (+5%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

Happily Ever After

It’s yet another Desmond-centric episode, so we all know what that means, right? Exactly. Inter-dimensional consciousness-shifting time-travelling nonsense that one has to puzzle one’s way through using insufficient clues until one develops a nose bleed. This season, it seems that everyone’s favourite failed Scottish monk-yachtsman-soldier-buttonpusher is going to be zapping his brain between the two separate universes we’ve been dealing with all season. How? Why, by being zapped with 1.21 Gigawatts of power, of course. Great Scot(t)! Fortunately, this immense dose of electromagnetism doesn’t kill him (as the laws of Physics would suggest), nor does it turn him into Dr Manhattan (as the laws of awesome comics would). Unfortunately, it does result in having him to spend an inordinate amount of time in the other universe with a typically irritating Charlie. So there are trade-offs, to be sure. As you’d expect, the hobbity one is a total nuisance, steering Desmond’s car into the ocean, making him play chasies through the hospital and regaling him with endless claptrap about hot death-vision blondes. But, on the plus side, Desmond does manage to derail the prospect of a Driveshaft/Faraday rock-classical mashup. Which makes him a right bloody hero in my book, brother. When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Hurley (+74%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Locke (-91%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Jack (+6%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

Everybody Loves Hugo

It’s an all-EXPLOSION!! episode of the show as our damn fool island friends, exhausted after six seasons of this nonsense and emboldened by Richard’s failure to explode several episodes back, start playing with dynamite again. But this time, it’s no more Mr Nice-TNT. First, Jacob’s right-hand woman Ilana finally completes her Arzt degree and, hence, immediately blows herself into a thousand tiny pieces. Then Hurley manages to take time out from both his parallel timeline-date with (funny, dead crazy-woman) Libby and his shoehorned Whispers-explicatin’ chat with (funny, dead multiple-murderer) Michael to blow up the Black Rock. He then declares himself in charge of the group and that it’s time to go visit the Locke/Smoke Monster. The Doc shrugs. Whatever. Six episodes to go, why not let the big guy be in charge? What’s the worst that can happen? A brutal, grisly death? In other news, the Locke/Smoke Monster comes upon an island wishing well, and lacking a Penny, does the next best thing and tosses Desmond in. Desmond retaliates the only way he knows how – ie, by senselessly running over the still wheelchair-bound Locke in the other timeline. Ha ha ha! That’ll teach you to be all crippled and unable to outrace a high-performance sports car, Locke! When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Richard (+59%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Locke (-91%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Widmore (+9%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

The Last Recruit

No sooner has everybody reunited than Sawyer decides it’s time they all split up again. “All members of the original cast whose name doesn’t rhyme with ‘Don Frock’ and who aren’t batshit crazy or an undead zombie, come with me,” he orders. ‘Original cast, eh?’ thinks Lapidus. Then ‘Don frock, huh?’. He quickly changes into a slutty little black dress. “I’m Shannon,” he declares, in strained falsetto. “Whatever,” says Sawyer, who doesn’t have time to deal with Frank’s transvestite-come-lately antics. They’re all catching a sailboat and sailing over to the other island to hook up with Widmore. “I’m coming, too,” says Claire, showing up out of nowhere. “Because I’m totally, like, not batshit crazy.” When Sawyer points out that only somebody as batshit crazy as Claire would think she’s not batshit crazy, the inherent paradox is too much for The Doc and he leaps off the sailboat to return to the Locke/Smoke Monster’s team. Sawyer sniffs haughtily. Any fool can leap off a yacht. He leapt out of a helicopter. In your face, Doc. Over in the other universe, everybody’s also coming together in either the hospital, a lawyer’s office or a police station. So that’s a nice little trial run for everybody’s future television drama options after the show ends. In other news, Jin and Sun are finally reunited! Thank fuck for that. Of course, Sawyer will no doubt split them up again next episode. When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Richard (+42%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Locke (-78%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Widmore (-1%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

The Candidate

Hey, you know how the Locke/Smoke Monster has spent most of this season trying to convince the rest of the cast to join up with him so that he can lead them triumphantly off the island once and for all? Um, yeah, turns out that was, like, a colossal lie and, in fact, his plan all along was to trap them in a submarine with a hastily-cobbled together digital watch-bomb and have them all be blown into about a zillion pieces, Arzt-style. Ha ha ha! That wacky malevolent entity and his tricksy mistruths! Unfortunately for his evil scheme, it turns out that Zombie Sayid is not the soulless wretch he’s been made out to be by gossiping Others and at the very last minute he sacrifices his undead life to save the others. Well, some of them anyway. For while The Doc, Sawyer, Hurley and Kate all make it to the beach and some form of safety, Sun and Jin drown together in an emotionally wrenching, beautifully scored, serviceably subtitled death scene. And, uh, Frank Lapidus dies off camera to save on video tape. Still, look at the positive side. At least little Ji Yeon is only going to have to spring for one (1) new tombstone, thanks to Jin’s previous ‘presumed dead’ status. Boo-yah! Silver lining! When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Claire (+52%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Ben (-89%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Widmore (+10%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

Across The Sea

No episode of Lost this week. Instead we get a peculiar West Wing repeat, the one where CJ murders a woman and raises her two twin sons, casting magic curses on them so they are incapable of killing one another, but then one of the twins sees the ghost of his murdered mother and turns on CJ, killing her and is punished by his brother by being turned into smoke. Ha ha ha! Oh, CJ. Just wait until Leo hears what you’ve done. Wait. What? This is an episode of Lost? Well, I suppose that makes a little more sense. Oh, sure, none of the regular characters show up. But we do learn an awful lot about where the Smoke Monster came from (a cave full of mysterious light) and why he’s so determined to get off the island (because, uh, why not?). We also learn some more about Jacob. Namely, that he’s rather a colossal momma’s boy. Oh, and Adam and Eve? Not Rose and Bernard, as previously thought, but rather CJ and Danny Concannon the Man In Black. When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Claire (+67%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Richard (-19%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Ben (-4%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

What They Died For

Jacob’s checked the TV Guide and noticed that the finale is only five (5) days away. High time he stopped fart-arsing about in fan-polarising flashbacks and got to work wrapping things up. So he gathers the surviving Losties together (The Doc, Sawyer, Kate and Hurley) and asks them to decide amongst themselves which one gets to be the All-New Jacob™. He points out some of the upsides to the role (ie, get to hang out at an anatomically-innumerate statue foot, get to loom one’s own clothes, plenty of opportunities for meeting people and touching them, etc) and glosses over the negatives (omnipotent Smoke Monster always trying to kill you). The Doc volunteers, thereby demonstrating his heroism. Or possibly just his poor listening skills. Nothing is clear, as always. The Locke/Smoke Monster is also on a recruitment drive, taking on Ben as an intern for some help whittling the cast down to a manageable number (ie, one (1)). Together they take out Widmore, Widmore’s Tina Fey-esque assistant Zoey and Richard before calling it an episode (where by ‘take out’ I mean, of course,’brutally murder’ as opposed to, y’know, ‘double-date’). Over in the alternate universe, meanwhile, Desmond’s breaking people out of prison, lying about coffins and generally gathering everyone together to attend some kind of reunion concert. Take notes, Kajagoogoo! This is how it’s done! When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Locke (+96%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Jacob (-19%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Ben (-4%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

The End (Part One)

So it comes down to The Doc (aka The All-New Jacob™) and The Locke/Smoke Monster facing off as mortal enemies locked in brutal, unyielding opposition over the future of the island and everybody upon it. Naturally, then, the pair of them immediately come together and agree one hundred percent on what needs to be done. Namely, they need to drop Desmond into that golden magic light of electromagnetism that powers the island. “You’re doing what now, brother?” says Desmond. But it’s too late for his infamous shameless cowardice to slow the episode down. The other two lower him into the cave and he unplugs the island, causing it to, uh, commence sinking. And so, as we’ve come to expect with The Doc’s madcap finale schemes, things seem to be going less than ideally. Still, at least this time he’s not mucking about with decades-old hydrogen bombs, right kids? Yet despite the nuke-less nature of The Doc’s failed plans, the Locke/Smoke Monster still gets a decent-sized gloat on, which he accentuates by smacking The Doc in the side of the head with a rock and leaving him for dead. Over in the alternate universe, meanwhile, everybody is waking up all over the damn place, remembering the previous six seasons in clip show-like detail. Except for The Doc, of course, who apparently can’t get this right either and instead wastes precious time incompetently flirting with Juliet at the hospital in a futile attempt to get her to remarry him. Oh, Doc. What are we going to do with you? When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Locke (+95%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Jacob (-56%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Miles (+4%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

The End (Part Two)

Turns out that all the mind-boggling shenanigans in the alternate universe this season have been a direct result of Christian Shephard organising a surprise funeral for The Doc! Everybody who’s anybody is going to be there. Also, Shannon. So to make sure The Doc’s not late or doesn’t blow the funeral off with, y’know, emergency dural sac surgery or a beard-growing competition or something, Kate is commissioned to a) wear a slinky black dress that clings to her like nobody’s business and b) usher him to the church. (Also, time permitting, deliver Claire’s baby.) Once The Doc shows up, everybody leaps out from behind the pews. “Surprise!!” they all shout. “You’re dead,” adds Christian, helpfully. He then goes on to explain how everybody died all at different times but then decided it would be kickass to construct a little post-death alternate universe of their own to hook up and hang out in before heading off to the great beyond (possibly Heaven, possibly Starbucks™) together. Or some damn thing. “Goddamnit!” says The Doc, who suddenly realises that even his fundamental maxim of ‘live together, die alone’ was, like, totally incorrect. While all this has been going on, back on the island we’ve seen how The Doc actually kicked the bucket. Namely, by getting into a knife fight with The Locke/Smoke Monster and stupidly forgetting to bring a knife. Luckily, Kate brought a knife of her own. In the form of a gun. Which she used to shoot the blazes out of the Locke/Smoke Monster. But not before The Doc was fatally wounded. Still, with a little time to spare before he bites the big one, The Doc wanders off, plugs the island back up, nominates Hurley and Ben to be the new caretakers of the island (presumably due to blood loss lightheadedness and/or a sudden deathbed burst of whimsy), then crawls off to croak in the bamboo while Kate, Sawyer, Claire, Miles and the not-as-dead-as-previously-advertised pairing of Lapidus and Richard fly the Ajira plane to safety and almost certainly a lot of awkward and difficult-to-answer questions from the world media. The Doc then draws his last breath and closes his eye under the faithful watch of Vincent the dog, who cannot believe his bad luck. A whole goddamn island to die on and this selfish prick decides to do so right on top of his stash of bones and DHARMA-brand Scooby Snacks. Ruh-roh! When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Locke (+97%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Kate (-42%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Hurley (-10%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

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