Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O’Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.

Great Moons of Krypton, Smallville. A double episode? Are you trying to kill me?

Never mind. At least it’s a Lana-free double episode. So, things are not all bad. Tell you what – we’ll get one half of the double episode out of the road first and then come back to the other half a bit later.

We open with TIAC leaving a message for Superlad. It’s her usual try-hard doublespeak, but the nub of her gist is that she wants the Justice League to get together for a meeting. Ostensibly to organise themselves, but more likely so she can admire the beefcake. (Although why GA insists on baking beefcakes and bringing them to the meetings, nobody knows – old Queen family recipe or not, cow flesh and vanilla icing just don’t mix.)

Luckily, her rambling is interrupted by power failure and the ominous appearance of Sylvester Pemberton, who long-time fans of obscure Earth-2 DC Heroes will know as Skyman, aka The Star Spangled Kid.

He tells TIAC that he knows she’s trying to get the Justice League together and, eerily, he is also trying to reconvene a team of superbeings. But before he can elaborate on whether or not he’s got a hankering for beefcakes, the air grows worryingly cold. Rather than urge TIAC to don a scarf, Skyman instead hurls her into a nearby dumpster.

“Stay down,” he orders, and proceeds to have a budget-saving, off-screen fight with some ice-wielding supervillain. So, presumably, Captain Cold or Mister Freeze or Sharon Stone, circa Basic Instinct (technically, icepick-wielding, but let’s not get bogged down in details – this is Smallville, after all).

Once the budget supervisor for the episode decrees that no expensive ice CGI effects need be shown any more, TIAC leaps out of the dumpster to find Skyman all impaled with ice spears.

“I’m going to die now,” he says. “But before I do, I’d just like to impart an air of suspense and mystery by revealing that they’ll be coming after you next.”

“Who?” says TIAC. “Who’s coming?”

But before Skyman can answer, the opening credits begin and by the time they’re done, he’s dead.

Which is irritating. But toe-tapping.

After the credits, Superlad meets up with TIAC at the hospital, where she gives him grief about not returning phone calls.

“I didn’t want to talk to you,” he says. “You prattle on like an idiot.”

“No need for apologies,” says TIAC, not really listening. “I know you’re busy pursuing Lois’s form and preventing Metropolis crime and leading a race of Kandorians.”

“Dude,” says Superlad, looking around worriedly. For there are a myriad of nurses and doctors wandering around who could have heard any of that. He’s not Bo-level fanatical about the secret identity thing, but there’s a minimum standard.

But TIAC’s no longer paying attention. She’s seen the belongings of the late Skyman being bagged and so uses her mobile phone to suck the data out of his mobile phone. There’s an app for that! Superlad, eye on the alternative picture, hits on some sobbing piece of blonde crumpet.

“My friend was murdered,” she says. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, would you like to sit down with me and talk about it?” says Superlad. He gestures to a nearby grieving stool. “But, first, can I just confirm you’re not my cousin?”

But before Superlad can continue with the moves, the girl sees his press badge (‘My name is Sooperlad. I right storys for the Dayly Planet’) and flees.

So instead TIAC sends Superlad on a mission to find Wesley Dodds, who was apparently the last person Skyman spoke to, telephone-wise. Wesley is, of course, the Golden Age Sandman, so after a dream about Skyman being murdered, he suits up to face Sharon Stone, who has shown up to murder him too.

“Aren’t we supposed to have sex first?” says Golden Age Sandman.

“Y’know, I’m not Sharon Stone,” says the villain.

“Engh,” says Golden Age Sandman. He can’t be picky.

But the ice villain can be picky. He murders Golden Age Sandman with one of his ice spear things. Naturally, Superlad shows up too late to stop this. Shouldn’t have stopped for that burrito.

Back at TIAC HQ, GA shows up to have TIAC badger him about the Justice League stuff.

“We need to have more meetings,” she says. “In full, skin-tight uniforms.”

“I’ll bake some beefcakes,” says GA, sending an SMS to his butcher.

“Sure,” says TIAC. “Whatever.” She brings GA up to speed on the Skyman death and instructs him to steal the glowing staff that Skyman carried around with him in the opening scene and which I forgot to mention then.

“Can’t I interrogate the blonde piece of crumpet instead?” says GA.

“Not in this timeslot,” says TIAC, who knows exactly how GA ‘interrogates’ nubile young starlets.

Hey, we haven’t had Dr Spectacles lord it over TIAC for a few episodes, have we? So let’s do that. He performs an autopsy on Golden Age Sandman.

“I’ve analysed the ice that was found in his wounds (using spectral analysis to isolate and remove the traces of burrito juice that Superlad let drip all over his corpse). I am able to confirm that the ice contains human DNA, which implies we can’t possibly be dealing with Sharon Stone. And, no, TIAC, we’re not dealing with Captain Cold or Mr Freeze, either. My calibrated carbon dating of the genetic code reveals that we are dealing with a Golden Age supervillain named The Icicle.”

TIAC jots this down in her laptop.

“I’ve already emailed you these results,” he says. “Re-entering it will just waste valuable time.” He goes on to note that the murder scene had the initials JSA tagged on it.

“Clearly some up-and-coming graffiti artiste,” says TIAC. Dr Spectacles says nothing. He’s done enough for one episode, surely. Besides, the more wrong guesses TIAC makes now, the more brilliant he looks later. He pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose in eyewear-nudging triumph.

So off to the Daily Planet archives, which contains startling old-time footage of the JSA being arrested on a variety of trumped up charges (‘resisting arrest during the Byrne riots of 1986′, ‘being the CEO of a broadcasting network’ and ‘wearing a saucepan on one’s head as part of a superhero costume’ to name but three).

Superlad reads through the files and discovers that the JSA members all stuck together in the face of these criminal charges, providing false alibis for one another and, hence, as the legal system decrees, were eventually set free.

“I admire their loyalty to one another,” says Superlad. “Also, their no-nonsense haircuts.”

“Never mind that,” says TIAC. “You need to go find Carter Hall (aka The Golden Age Hawkman). He was the next person Skyman called. Track him down.”

Superlad zips off.

“And no stopping for burritos!“

So off Superlad scoots to Hawkman’s museum, stomach rumbling the whole way. He looks around for a bit.

“Museum’s closed,” says Hawkman.

“Where I come from,” says Superlad. “If you can jimmy open a door to a place, you’re welcome to wander straight in and poke around.”

“You’re from Smallville then,” says Hawkman. But Superlad’s lost interest in this conversation. Instead, he’s focussed on a crazy old street bum gibbering away in the corner.

He uses the old X-Ray peepers to see what the crazy old man is holding in his bag. And, hey, wouldn’t ya know it? It’s the helmet of Dr Fate. The helmet turns in the bag and stares back at Superlad. Overcome with awkwardness, Superlad leaves.

But, hey, look how things are turning out for GA. He couldn’t find Skyman’s staff thingy. But he did manage to bump into the blonde piece of crumpet who, it turns out, has just stolen it. Convenient. GA squirts on some cologne. Looks like it’s interrogatin’ time for the G-Man, after all.

But while he’s busily stretching his pecs and warming up his chin cleft, the crazy old man shows up and teleports himself, the blonde piece of crumpet and the glowing staff away.

Back at Hawkman’s museum, the blonde piece of crumpet is trying to convince Hawkman that they should do something about, y’know, the dude who’s trying to kill them all. Hawkman can’t be bothered and isn’t frightened to say so.

“I can’t be bothered,” he says, fearlessly.

“Please don’t make me ask those idiots in the Justice League for help,” says the blonde piece of crumpet.

Now, that is a frightening prospect, so Hawkman instead agrees to help her track down The Icicle. He also urges crazy old Kent Nelson to put on the Dr Fate helmet. He does so, and the crazy goes away – just as The Psychiatric Journal of Egyptian Helmet Medicine predicted.

“Greetings, Hawkman,” he intones.

“Dr Fate!” gasps the blonde piece of crumpet.

“Greetings, Crumpet.”

Hawkman also suits up, remarking that it’s been a long time since he made somebody bleed. He caresses his mace lovingly. So that’s not at all creepy or disturbing.

By this stage, Superlad and TIAC have somehow shown up in the mental institution where The Icicle is supposed to be incarcerated. Who should also be there but Dr Fate, sucking out information from The Icicle’s mind.

“Hey, Yeller-Head,” says Superlad. “What are you doing?”

Superlad grabs him, which allows the good Doctor to see his cape-filled future.

“You are of value, Superlad Kent,” he intones. And he teleports Superlad away.

TIAC contacts GA. “Dr Fate kidnapped Superlad,” she says. Which is an accurate and surprisingly succinct summary of the situation.

“Can’t talk now,” says GA, on a rooftop, costumed up and somersaulting for no clear reason. “That blonde piece of crumpet has donned some kind of superhero uniform in tribute to Skyman. I think it’s time I interrogated her.”

“There’s no time for that!” says TIAC.

“You’re cutting out,” says GA. He makes a static noise from the side of his mouth and hangs up.

He needlessly somersaults down beside her. “Hey, Crumpet,” he says. ” Lookin’ good.”

“I know you are, but what am I?” she says. “No, wait. That doesn’t work.”

But before she can come up with a better witty rejoinder, The Icicle attacks. Needless to say, GA crumbles like a glorified Robin Hood wannabe, but the blonde piece of crumpet – now officially known as Stargirl – and The Icicle have a highly choreographed ice-lance/glowing-staff battle which ends with them both being hurled back from the force of their combined energy.

The Icicle regains his feet first and goes to shoot Stargirl with one of his ice shards. But GA’s found his feet (still safely stored inside his boots, which makes sense) and shoots an arrow which shatters the ice shard and saves Stargirl from certain death. The Icicle scarpers.

“You stupid idiot,” says Stargirl, whirling on GA. “I was supposed to have first shot at Skyman’s murderer.” She glowers with crumpety fury.

“Oh, I get it,” says GA. “You’re fiery crumpet. That’s okay. You can interrogate me.”

But before she can respond to this offer, Hawkman swoops in, picks him up and hurls him through the window of TIAC’s HQ.

“Stay out of our business,” says Hawkman. “Hit on your own piece of blonde crumpet.”

GA looks at TIAC and bursts out laughing. “Yeah,” he says. “Right.”

But Hawkman’s already flown off.

TIAC’s peeved that GA wouldn’t even consider hitting on her. “These dudes are too good for us,” she says. “I should just give up on bringing the band together. We’re a lost cause.”

“Whoa!” says GA. “Don’t give up on us just yet. For one thing, I didn’t even know we were starting a band. I call lead guitar. Now, let’s get some reinforcements, sign up Superlad and throw them through some windows. We can be the new Who!”

“Who?” says TIAC.

“Exactly.”

And after a nine minute Abbott and Costello routine, the rest of the band Justice League is called, starting with J’onn J’onnz on bass.

Meanwhere, Superlad has woken up in the Justice Society trophy room. As you’d expect from a Smallvillean lad, he makes himself at home, pulling off drop sheets, opening up closets, running his grubby fingers over the glass. Eventually, he pulls a table cloth off a table and discovers it’s not the Justice Society trophy room at all. It’s the Justice Society Headquarters. The music swells triumphantly.

Eventually Hawkman swoops in. “Dr Fate says you’re kickass,” he says. “Frankly, I don’t see it.”

“He’s not like the others,” says Dr Fate. “Superlad’s path is righteous.”

“If he’s okay with Dr Fate,” says Stargirl. “He’s okay with me.”

“Well, all right,” says Superlad. He frowns for a second. “You’re not my cousin, are you?”

Next Time: The second half of this epic Justice League-Justice Society team up. Let’s also hope that the Legion of Superheroes can be squeezed in somewhere too. Because we’re going to need all the superpowers we can muster to defeat the dread menace of, uh, the dude with powers equivalent to the ice guy back in Season One who Superlad took out by himself.

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