Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

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Issue Three of this epic crossover is zaniness from start to finish. And, of course, vice versa. It starts with a little bit of uncontrolled universe-hopping. The JLA and the Avengers keep zapping back and forth between their respective universes, each time partying at satellites or mansions or underwater sea fortresses or Russell Brand’s sex dungeon or wherever. So inebriated and busy with flirting and senseless playful rivalry are the two teams that none of them notice the fact that reality seems to be altering around them every few seconds. Or, if they do, they blame it on a bad ‘stash’. Only Supes and Captain America seem to notice the oddity of the universe-hopping and so they are left with no rational choice but to, uh, start punching the bejeezus out of one another. Alas, before Bats can lay some smart money on the Kryptonian, the scene shatters…

And is replaced with assorted heroes scattered across their various Earths. There’s typical confusion, with nobody quite sure what’s going down. Oh, sure, some of the brighter heroes could probably work it out and set the others straight relatively quickly but one has to admit there’s a certain mirth to be had from watching Thor flying around all ‘Forsooth, what the fucketh art going on here?’.

But eventually even those easy laughs grow tiresome, so Iron Man flies up to observe that, hey, the two Earths are merging together thereby causing all of this issue’s predictable nonsense. Now, physicists on both Earths know that the best way to stop two planets from merging in the same dimensional space is to zap them with a combination of chaos magic and Green Lantern energy. Conveniently, the teams have a wielder of each of these energy sources (unlike that idiot Stephen Hawking), so they zap the merging planets apart. (Note: they would also have been covered had a boxing glove arrow been called for. That’s why they’re Earth’s mightiest heroes, people.)

Even Supes has a grudging admiration for Hawkeye's work

Anyways, having put an end to the merging planets, it’s just about time for the Phantom Stranger to show up and unleash some maddening vaguery on us all. So, bang on schedule, that’s what he does, justifying his rambling presence by pointing out that, technically, he’s a JLA member and so, y’know, bite me, Supes. Then, shamelessly ripping off Ghostbusters, he opens a refrigerator door to reveal a portal to another dimension. He leads everybody through the portal, ordering them all to ‘stay on the path’ and further pointing out that if anyone strays, ‘you will never find your way back, nor will any who know you ever see your face again’. Much like a post-Big Brother career, then.

The Phantom Stranger leads everybody to the dying Grandmaster, then pops off back to the pub for a pint. “Listen to me, heroes,” says the dying Grandmaster. “For I have but eight (8) pages of exposition to impart before I die.” “Eight?” says Iron Man, wondering where he can rustle up a martini. But, alas, there’s no time for Stark’s all-consuming alcoholism. The Grandmaster explains that Krona’s plan is to merge the universes together to create a new Big Bang and a new universe and, uh, stuff. So the heroes need to stop him next issue, even if, in the process of doing so, they’ll have to recreate all the shitty events that have taken place in their assorted comics over the past couple of decades (eg Supes dying, Green Lantern going batshit crazy, Thor growing a beard, etc).

But, heck, because they’re super-goddamn-heroes, they agree to take on Krona. (And Ant-Man’s too chickenshit to go against the rest of them.) So, with that Krona-battling carrot* in mind, strap yourselves in for next issue (assuming, that is, that, like me, you read your comic books while tied down for your own safety).

* Not a literal Krona-battling carrot, alas. Wake up, Busiek! Lift your game, Perez!

MVP: I’m going to go with Hawkeye. Sure, he’s got no powers worth mentioning, but during all that merged universe nonsense, he successfully managed to totally piss off Green Arrow by not only surpassing him in the archery stakes but also by sucking face with Black Canary. And, as I’ve long maintained, anybody who can annoy a goateed Robin Hood wannabe while making out with a hot, fishnet stocking-wearing blonde is okay in my book.

Next Issue: A veritable shit-fight! PLUS, which hero wields some timely jazz hands?

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