Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O’Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.

We left off last time with the spine-hanging clifftingler of Superlad and Major (snicker) Zod seemingly joining forces. So, naturally, we pick up now with an episode all about, uh, Green Arrow.

Sure, why not. Anyhoo, we open with Superlad and Lois leaving some charity theatre showing of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead. Superlad is not impressed.

“I don’t like stories that focus too heavily on secondary characters,” he says. “You should stick to the main attraction. That’s what people come to see. Not supporting casts taking over the whole damn show.”

Lois ignores him and instead rambles on drunkenly about how this was their first outing as a couple and how she’d shown affection to Superlad by holding his hand and how every single one of the tequila shots she’d downed during the evening had gone to charity. She ends the spiel by vomiting in an alley.

“That wasn’t my hand, y’know,” says Superlad, helpfully. “But, that’s okay. I still got a sense of affection.”

“I want to get this relationship right,” says Lois, wiping the side of her mouth. “I don’t think we should have sex tonight.” She spits out some bile.

“Yeah. No risk there,” says Superlad. And to get away from his upchucking date, his super-hearing kicks in and hears trouble afoot. “You can look after your vomiting yourself, can’t you?” he says, zipping off before we can get a response.

Lois stumbles to her feet and clambers into a car. It refuses to start, presumably because it has one of those breath test sensor devices built in. Lois, muttering to herself, gets out and drunkenly starts tinkering with the engine.

“Wait a second,” she eventually mumbles. “This isn’t my car.”

Which is just as well, because this one’s got an arrow in the front of it. An arrow recently shot there by a mysterious moonlit figure atop a nearby building.

“Grow up GA!” she screams in an inebriated slur and starts to run off. But the hooded figure shoots her in the back and she slumps into unconsciousness.

After the opening credits, we return to GA meditating without a shirt on. Like most meditation sessions, this one’s interrupted by a ninja. And like most meditatees, GA reacts with swift fury, strangling the ninja to within an inch (aka 2.5 cm) of her life.

“Wait, GA,” says the ninja. “I’m not a ninja at all. I’m your nascent sidekick Speedy from Episode Six!”

“What season?”

“This season.”

“Okay then,” says GA. He lets her live. “But it’s a damn good thing you weren’t from Season Seven.”

She goes on to explain that she only dressed as a ninja because it would help her take him by surprise. Also, it’s kinda kinky-hot. GA nods in agreement. She then goes on to point out that GA overreacted by attempting to throttle her to death. She adds, with ominously clunky dialogue, that it was almost… well, almost as if GA wasn’t himself.

But before GA can pick up on this laboured observation, his phone rings. Like the slave to tradition he’s become, he answers it.

It’s TIAC, wanting to know if he’s shirtless.

“I am,” says GA.

“Excellent.”

Over to the Kent farm where Major (snicker) Zod and Superlad have a chinwag. Zod, as always, is going on about the fruit, babbling this time about apples. He eventually segues into the point, which is that he and the rest of the Kandorians need Superlad to help them regain their powers.

“I don’t know how to help you gain the powers,” says Superlad.

“Surely it’s a mystery we can solve together,” says Zod. “You are, after all, the son of Krypton’s greatest scientist.”

Superlad shrugs. “Sometimes these things skip a generation.”

That’s not good enough for Zod. “If you don’t help us get our powers back, then we will be forced to take action ourselves, sooner or later.”

“But most likely later, right?” says Superlad. “Because I hear we’ve got a kickass Justice Society double episode coming up. Also, an episode where Lois dresses up like Wonder Woman. Yowsers!”

“Yes,” agrees Zod. “Most likely later.” That settled, Superlad receives a phone call about Lois. He zips over to the Lana Mannequin Memorial Wing of Smallville Hospital.

Lois is in bed, her arm in a sling. “I’m okay,” she says. “Some psycho obviously wanted to get on the front page of the Daily Planet, so he shot the ace reporter.”

“He shot Steve too?” says Superlad. They have to stop this maniac. He turns back to Lois. “Did you see what he looked like?”

“Yep,” says Lois. “Looked like GA.”

Outside, GA and TIAC have essentially the same conversation.

“And he shot Steve too?” says GA.

TIAC doesn’t bother correcting him. Instead she shows GA some X-rays and points out that if the arrow had been just a centimetre (aka 0.4 of an inch) to the left, it would have severed an artery, killing her before the opening credits had even finished!

“So this guy’s a dud shot,” says GA. “Or, perhaps…” He ponders for a moment. “Perhaps he meant to hit her there, which I’ve just remembered is a specific point on the human body that is purpose-designed for archers to take down fleeing ex-girlfriends without killing them. Which would make him one of the best archers on the planet.” He shrugs again. “Or he was trying to kill her and he’s a dud shot. Impossible to know for sure, really.”

“Do you want to see the arrow?” says TIAC.

“Nope,” says GA. He’s seen loads of arrows.

But TIAC’s already shoving a picture of it in his face.  GA recognises it as being the arrow used by his mentor in both archery and shirtlessness. He doesn’t tell TIAC this, figuring she’ll discover it herself when the script calls for it. And, besides, it’d be nice to be the most plot-knowledgeable person in the episode for once.

Back at the hospital, Major (snicker) Zod’s popped in to visit Lois. He jokes about how he’s a friend of Superlad’s and how he was in the hospital donating blood and how he thought he’d pop in and say ‘hi’.

“Hi!” he says.

Lois doesn’t get it (the Kryptonian sense of humour is far too dry for her tastes), so takes him at face value. ”Hi,” she says back.

“Superlad must have mentioned me,” he says. “My name’s Zod.”

“Nope,” says Lois. Although isn’t there a Flash villain called Grodd? she wonders.

“Well, you may not have heard of me, but I’ve heard all about you,” says Zod. “And you’re as hot as Superlad’s candid photographs suggest.” He smiles. “Less blurry, though.”

They dance ominously around various topics. (Not literally, obviously. Lois is still bedridden and in no mood for dancing.) Zod gives her a random Kryptonian good luck charm and promises to take her out one night when she’s healed up and tell her all about the real Superlad.

“Tequila’s on me,” says Lois.

“So I hear,” says Zod.

Back to GA HQ, where he and Speedy are looking at a veritable wall-load of surveillance photos of GA from the past week.

“Oh, I get it,” says Speedy. “You’re trying to see if you can spot somebody who might have been following you. Right?”

“Um, yeah,” says GA. “Sure.” And he has to admit it’s an excellent side-benefit to his little wallpapering project.

Meanwhile, jealous of all the attention Lois has been getting, TIAC also gets herself shot by an arrow. Superlad rewards this neediness by zipping in to rescue her and patching her up with random bandagery.

“Do you know what you’re doing here?” says TIAC.

“No idea,” confirms Superlad. But ploughs on with the bandages regardless. Because he’s a hero, Zod damn it!

TIAC puts forth the idea that, tying into Speedy’s clunky dialogue from earlier, GA may have a split personality and the evil portion of him might be running around shooting his friends.

“You’re more of a business partner than a friend to him, though, aren’t you?” says Superlad.

TIAC ignores him and goes on to make one of her stupid forced analogies about GA being a racing car and how she helped him change his tyres in the pit stop of Episode Five.

Superlad is furious. “That was the stupidest episode this season!” he says. He zips off, mad as blazes.

Meanwhile, Lois has caught up with GA.

“Hey,” she says. “Did you shoot me with an arrow?”

“Nope.”

“Okay,” says Lois. “Did you shoot TIAC?”

“TIAC’s been shot?” says GA. That shameless wannabe.

“Yes,” says Lois. “And whoever’s shooting us, you need to stop them. I mean, I understand why they might shoot one of your ex-lovers (??). But why would they shoot one of your friends?”

“She’s more a business partner, really,” says GA. But by muttering the Green Arrow Oath (‘No ex-lovers, no business partners, no ninja-outfit-wearing sexy disciples’), he ‘deduces’ that Speedy will be the next target.

Meanwhile, over at GA HQ, Superlad is admiring all the surveillance photos of GA. It really is a good way to wallpaper one’s home and saving on the ongoing expense of owning mirrors. But while going in for a closer look, he activates his X-Ray vision and finds incriminatory arrows behind the wall.

TIAC shows up to explain what’s going on. Some gibberish about a Celtic sect of expert 13th Century vigilante assassin archers and how one of them has shown up to settle a score with GA and how that person is probably the one shooting everybody all over the place.

“Yawn,” says Superlad. “GA worked that out twenty minutes ago.”

So, with everybody all finally caught up, GA rocks up to visit his former mentor, who, BTW, has kidnapped Speedy already. (“Call me Boromir,” says the mentor. “No,” says Speedy.) GA and Boromir banter for a bit about not following in footsteps and defying oaths and betraying father-figures and so on and so on and so on. It’s rather interminable, but the upshot of it is that Boromir needs GA to kill him so he (Boromir) can maintain his honour. Or some damn thing. And if GA won’t do it, then Boromir will kill Speedy.

That’s a pretty easy decision, no? Crazy murderous former mentor? Or hot young apprentice?

“I’m not going to kill you, Boromir,” says GA.

Wait. What?

So there we have it. Speedy’s wandering around one of those mazes that are scattered throughout Metropolis. Boromir is hunting her. GA’s hunting Boromir. Eventually they all converge and Boromir and GA shoot.

Superlad shows up and struggles not at all with the choice between insane murderous mentor and nubile crazy-cute padawan. He intercepts Boromir’s arrows with his invulnerable, super-speedy hide and lets GA’s arrows find their mark.

“Y’know,” says GA, when the slow-motion ends. “Boromir always said I’d embrace my dark side and murder him.”

“Embrace Darkseid?” says Superlad. “The lord of Apokolips?”

But GA doesn’t have time for Superlad’s confusion or obscure New Gods references. Not today. He leans in to hear Boromir’s dying words.

“Leave it! It is over,” says Boromir. “The world of Men will fall. And all will come to darkness. My city to ruin.”

“What?” says GA.

“Our people. Our people,” says Boromir. “I would have followed you, my brother. My captain. My king.” His eyes glaze over.

“Dude. I just shot you in the shoulder. You’ll be fine.”

“Wait. What?” says Boromir. His eyes pop open. “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”

And that’s about that. We have a brief scene where Lois tells Superlad about Zod’s visit. Then Superlad confronts Zod and vows to destroy all the Kandorians if Zod ever talks to Lois again. (Zod: “Gee, possessive much, Kal-El?”) And, most worryingly of all, there seems to be a very real threat that GA might start up with the moping again.

And on that ominous note, we look forward to…

Next week: Let’s hope it’s the Justice Society. Those dudes never mope.

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