Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O’Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.

We open with Superlad helping Lois audition for a hosting spot on local breakfast show Wake The F**k Up, Metropolis. And by ‘helping’ I mean, of course, that he’s stuttering over his lines, missing cues, reading Lois’s lines by mistake and so forth. So, a typical Welling performance.

Of course, the producers of the show love it (much as Gough and Millar did a decade or so ago)!

“This kind of incompetent, former construction worker handsomeness is all the rage these days,” they say. “And you, Snorkers–”

“Lois.”

“Right. You’re good too. So you’re both hired.”

Superlad stammers out that he wasn’t actually applying for the job. He was just here to lend Lois blundering and wacky moral support.

“Nope. It’s a done deal,” says the producer. “I don’t care which of you has the talent or interest in the actual job. As far as we’re concerned, your chemistry’s golden so it’s either the two of you or none of you.”

Superlad, the Andrew Ridgeley of morning television.

After the opening credits, we return to The Daily Planet, where TIAC gets updated on this wacky turn of events.

“That’s so wacky!” she says.

“It is wacky,” nods Superlad sternly. “But the most important thing for me to do right now is track down those blasted Kandorians.” And he holds up a bottle he bought at a local flea market. “This one comes with a lid!” he exclaims.

“That’s all well and good,” says TIAC. “But given that you’ve had zero success tracking them down, why not focus on the wackiness? This show could do with some wackiness after GA’s recent mopefests. Leave the Kandorians to me.” And she gibbers on about computer hacking for a bit, which gives Superlad a chance to wander off.

He meets up with Lois. “Hey,” he says. “Why don’t we have wacky online dates and then make fun of the ugly losers we go out with for our morning television show?”

“Way ahead of you, Cheekbones,” says Lois. And she points to her online profile she’s setting up.

Superlad peers at it.

“Wait a second,” he says. “You’ve put down here in your ‘likes’ column: Hamsters.” He frowns at her. “You hate hamsters.”

“No, I don’t. I have hamster sandwiches every day for lunch.”

“Ham sandwiches,” corrects Superlad. “You have ham sandwiches.”

“Whatever,” says Lois. She sniffs. She’s not a vegetarian or a judge on Master Chef. How is she supposed to keep track of which dead animals are put in her lunch?

“There’s no need to lie,” says Superlad. “There are plenty of great things about you that will impress…” He stops to think about this for a second, gets stuck at two and changes his mind. “Lie away,” he says.

Meanwhere (and elsewhile), some hot young bit of tail beats the snot out of some poor sod at some kind of Fight Club rip-off. Green Arrow watches this, concerned frown on his face as he tries to determine just how close the rip-off is and how litigious 20th Century Fox might be. After determining that the scene contains precious few Brad Pitt lookalikes or spliced-in penis footage he breathes a sigh of relief, then follows the woman out to her real job as a prostitute.

“Oh, hell no,” he mutters. A Pretty Woman rip-off? Disney will have their guts for garters. And vice versa, if they’re lucky.

He therefore picks the bit of tail up, assures her she looks nothing like Julia Roberts and that this episode will never, ever earn her an undeserved Academy Award nomination. “But I will make your life a better one,” he vows.

“That’s crazy talk!” she says.

“Did I pay you to speak?” says GA, wagging a stern finger. “Now, I’m going to call you ‘Speedy’, because that’s how my sex life plays out these days.” And he goes on to tell her that he knows why she fights the way she does and that it’s not because he saw the major motion picture Fight Club, but is instead because he spent two entire episodes of moping and fighting in a similar fashion and they bored the snot out of everybody. He further adds that he could train her to fight crime and get rid of all the hate in her heart and she could become his awesome sexy sidekick.

“Dude, whatever,” says Speedy. “It’s your money. But lycra outfits are an extra $10 an hour. And no kissing on the lips.” And she adjusts her wig and starts the clock.

Meanwhile, Little Miss Luthor is making a speech to gathered shareholders. Boy, Smallville is really into the ol’ televised shareholders meetings this season. Way to kick the ratings into overdrive, guys.

She caresses one of those kickass hologram tables, which displays the world’s first self-sustaining solar tower.

“This tower,” says Little Miss Luthor. “Will generate sufficient energy to power all of Metropolis.”

“Well, it’s hardly a tower, is it?” says one onlooker. “I mean look at it – the table top is at your waist and this thing barely reaches your cleavage. That’s… what? Three? Four inches?”

“This is a low-cut gown,” concedes Little Miss Luthor. “But the point you may also be missing is that this is just a model of the proposed tower.”

A ripple of understanding sweeps through the crowd. A ripple interrupted by Major (snicker) Zod, who tells everybody that he’s a co-contributor to this project and, ergo, equally awesome, albeit without the cleavage.

“I swear to you all,” he says. “This tower will change the world. And I don’t mean that in the subtle sense that it will give me and my Kryptonian army the solar boost we need to power up and gain all manner of superpowers that we will use to overrun and enslave you all.” He raises his champagne flute for a toast. “Or do I?” he concludes.

And the crowd laughs and joins in the toast.

But let’s cut away from those wealthy inbreds and check in on Superlad getting ready for his wacky blind date. Lois playfully taunts him through his earpiece (“You’re so socially retarded and emotionally crippled you could never be successful on a date, Superlad Kent!” “Oh Lois”)

Soon his date shows up. She is a hot blonde of some description. And she’s brainy and kind of heart, with a crispy white smile, a well-refined palate and the ability to belch the Superman theme music. Lois is furious and jealous.

Wacky, wacky, wacky.

Back to Zod and Little Miss Luthor, post-shareholders meeting. Zod tells her that he’s looking for The Blur™. Little Miss Luthor says she doesn’t know how to find The Blur™. Zod claims to be disappointed and complains that he got ahold of some of the Blur™’s blood after that zombie episode a few weeks ago, but before they could use the blood to track Superlad down (it was some kind of homing blood, apparently), Little Miss Luthor had all the blood destroyed.

“I didn’t want us to be overrun by mosquitoes, vampires or the Red Cross,” ‘explains’ Little Miss Luthor.

Zod scowls and leaves. On the way out, he orders one of Little Miss Luthor’s security guards to make her reveal the location of the Blur™ and/or kill her. Whatever comes first. The guard nods, apparently happy to take orders from any passing dude in a suit.

Boy, nothing’s changed, incompetence-wise, on the security staff front here at Luthor Mansion, has it?

Hey! How long has it been since GA’s had his shirt off? Too long, according to the Nielsen ratings, so here he is, wandering around his house, pectoral muscles a-flexing for the hell of it.

Like some kind of homing blood, Lois immediately finds her way into this scene.

“You know how Superlad and I have a wacky side job hosting Wake The F**k Up, Metropolis?” she begins.

“Wait,” says GA. “A side job?” He knew the economy was bad, but this bad? Imagine! People with two jobs. It’s like something out of a Chuck Palahniuk novel. Uh, he assumes.

“A wacky side job, yes,” says Lois. “Anyway, Superlad had a wacky blind date with a hot blonde and it went awesomely well, so for some reason I need you to tell me the things about me that used to annoy you when we went out.”

“Gee,” said GA, rummaging around his desk. “I did have a list here for a while.”

But his search is interrupted by Speedy emerging wearing only a towel, asking for more money.

Lois, upset by this brazen harlotry, storms out, tripping over an enormous dot-matrix print-out on the way.

“There it is,” says GA, but she’s already gone.

Doesn’t matter. GA writes Speedy a cheque, then orders her to suit up and stop stealing his watches. This last request is close enough to the last straw.

“I know your type,” she suddenly says. “I know all the types. I know my pimp’s type. I know political types. I know twisted types. I know my blood type (‘non-homing’). Why are you trying to help me anyway? Are you some kind of helpster?”

GA ignores this made-up word. She’s a kick-boxing lady of the evening, not an expertician in the English language. Instead, he starts to tell her how awful his life was these past two episodes and how mopey it had made him. Luckily, before he can mope too much, we cut elsewhere.

Sadly, it’s to Lois’s wacky blind date. This time, Superlad’s in her ear (not literally – he’s not the Atom, for crying out loud). Superlad tells Lois she looks hot.

“All’s fair in love and war,” she says.

“What’s it going to be for us, Lois?” says Superlad, who has been really working hard on his segues. “Love. Or war?”

“Sounds like you’re asking me out on another date,” says Lois.

“Huh?” says Superlad, who wishes Lois would work a little harder.

But wait a second, it turns out that Lois’s date is GA.

“This isn’t wacky at all,” complains Superlad.

And indeed it isn’t, but GA does his best to wacky it up. He refers to himself as ‘Metropolis’s most eligible billionaire bachelor’, but that just makes us miss whatsisname, the balder, younger Luthor. Y’know, the one who used to play snooker with himself all the time and snipe awesomely with his father. Ah, good times.

Sigh.

So, instead, GA tries to explain to Lois that Speedy, while technically a world-class courtesan, was also an up-and-coming young superhero sidekick.

“That’s a little bit wacky,” Lois concedes. “But why was she dressed only in a towel and asking for money?”

“There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for that,” says GA. “And I’ll tell you all about it after I tell you I love you.”

GA, clearly flailing now.

“Oh, come on!” says Superlad, still listening in. “That’s not wacky either!”

And Lois storms out. Again.

Superlad turns to the producer. “What if we reverse the footage so she storms in somewhere?” he suggests. “That’d be kinda wacky.”

GA confronts Lois off-camera.

“I had no idea that you had such strong feelings,” she says.

“Strong, schmong,” says GA, covering his tracks now. “I love lasagna. I love wandering around my house without a shirt on. I love you. I love my dog.”

“You don’t have a dog.”

“Does that mean I can’t love him?” says GA. And before Lois can confirm it really does, GA’s back on the mope again, gibbering on about the dark place he went to. Before Lois can guess something irretrievably racist, he clarifies that ‘the dark place’ is a metaphor for his moping of the last two episodes and that maybe he had to inflict it upon all the viewers just so he can realise how much he treasures her.

Lois beams at him. “I also love you,” she says, even though she tuned out of his speech once he started talking about ‘metaphors’. She holds no truck with that kind of hippy poetry talk. “But only as a dear friend,” she adds, hilariously.

“Pshaw,” says GA. “That doesn’t count.” He then goes on to guess that she loves Superlad

“Hmm?” she says. “Sure. Why not?” Goddamn Blur™ isn’t returning her phone calls, is he?

GA, shattered and rejected and handsome, wanders off the scene to find his personal hooker. But as he goes to get in the car, her pimp knocks him out. Then one of the pimp’s co-pimps snaffles Lois as well. There’s scuffling and tomfoolery and Speedy kicking guns out of her pimp’s hand and GA surging to the rescue and all three of them running for cover and inexplicable machine gun fire and all the ridiculous nonsense you’d expect in the obligatory end-of-episode action sequence. Eventually, even Superlad notices what’s going on and he Blurs™ into action, saving the day at superspeed in the usual fashion and to the surprise of, well, nobody.

Not one second of this is wacky.

But, hey, remember that security guard who switched to Zod’s team and who was going to get Little Miss Luthor to talk? Turns out he was Kandorian all along and he’s now ready to go smack some info out of her.

“I have a message from Major (snicker) Zod,” he says. “Tell me where the Blur™ is. Or you die.”

“Hell,” says Little Miss Luthor. “He was totally all over the last scene. Bullets hit him in slo-mo and everything. You soldiers should really pay more attention.”

And, of course, TIAC has spent the entire episode flirting with Little Miss Luthor’s own tech whiz. And I mean ‘flirting’ in the never-used sense of ‘installing and bypassing firewalls in the Luthorcorp computer system’. So this is clearly so sad we shan’t even discuss it further.

Instead, let’s cross back to Zod the next day, who is having his morning cup of coffee.

“Kneel before me, barista!” he orders. “And sprinkle some cinnamon on top of the foam while you’re at it.”

An envelope is dropped off to him. It’s his henchman’s blood-covered dog tags. Little Miss Luthor waves from the distance, implying she’s (ha ha ha!) murdered the criminy out of the henchman. Zod scowls. No more Major Nice Guy.

And, finally, guess what? Lois and Superlad are sacked from Wake The F**k Up, Metropolis and replaced by Superlad’s blind, bland, blonde date.

Now, that’s wacky,

Next week: Well, I suppose they’ll probably follow up on the tonsil hockey that Superlad and Lois went for just before the closing credits. It seemed like kinda a big deal and the  kind of thing I probably should have mentioned earlier. But hey, you know me. Wacky, wacky, wacky.

---

Related Pages

If you hated this, you'll probably also hate:

1. 9.10 Some Things Are Mentor B
2. 9.09 Don’t Let The Sun Go Red On Me
3. 9.07 Jor Session
4. 9.08 Ooh, And It Still Makes Me Wonder
5. 9.03 The Funk of Forty Thousand Smallville Episodes