Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

Buy On Amazon

All rightey then. Racing to a conclusion now. Which seems to make sense with only two issues to go. Here in the penultimate issue, it’s all about the fighting. Ahhhh, fighting. Where would the comic book industry be without it? Frankly, if you don’t have an assorted variety of garishly dressed superhumans embroiled in an imbroglio, then, in my mind, you barely have the right to call yourself a comic book at all. Looking at you, Sandman, and your highbrowed multi-textual mumbo-jumbo and critical acclaim.

So what’s going down here in this Gaiman-less book? A fully-fledged shitfight, that’s what. In one-quarter of the book, Bats and a hastily cobbled together team of underlings (think The Outsiders, but not quite as entrenched in fan-favouritism) break into Brother Eye’s satellite and cause mischief, uploading spyware, changing auto-correct text and the like. Elsewhere, an equally hastily cobbled together group of magicians try to summon the Spectre and bring him under control. They are sorta successful, in that he only murders one (1) hot chick in the process.

Alexander Luthor, meanwhile, is smashing parallel Earths together, trying to scientifically concoct the ‘perfect’ Earth (an idea he got from the late Richard Feynman). Egged on by Superboy-Prime, he turns to Earth-Prime, which, as all faithful DC loyalists know is our Earth (ie, the one in which you, yourself, are reading this review, while wearing no pants) and prepares to smash it into another one. I’m sure you all remember where you were when his giant anti-matter hands appeared in the sky (I, for example, was at a Samantha Fox tribute concert). Luckily, before he can merge our Earth with another one, it’s time for a death scene.

Wise guy, eh?

And, following the coin toss, it turns out to be a death scene for Superboy, aka Conner Kent. He and Wonder Girl and Nightwing have made their way to the Arctic fortress (using public transport, because some heroes care about environmental issues, damn it!) where Alexander Luthor and Superboy Prime are doing all this Earth-merging. It’s tricky scientific work and the last thing these modern day Curies need is three young punks disturbing them, mid-experiment. So, while they can ignore the trio freeing the captured heroes that were powering the cosmic rod thingummy (ie Martian Manhunter, Power Girl, Black Adam and, uh, the others) and forgive Black Adam taking somebody’s eye out with his tomfoolery (Psycho Pirate’s eye to be precise), eventually Superboy-Prime is sufficiently irritated to start going ballistic on everybody’s head. When he threatens to kill Nightwing, Conner says ‘hey, no fair hogging the death scene, Grayson’. And allows Superboy-Prime to tackle him into the cosmic rod, thereby ruining a) it, b) himself, c) the newly created multiverse and d) Alexander Luthor’s concentration. Faynman never had to put up with this shit!

Oh noes! Will Earth-Prime survive? We’ll have to wait until next issue to find out. Although the smart money is on ‘yes’.

MVP: Black Adam. Because he’s one of the Three Stooges at heart. Y’know, the superpowered murderous one. Moe.

Next Issue: Green Arrow v Doomsday. PLUS The inevitable folly of home schooling

Related Pages

If you hated this, you'll probably also hate:

1. Infinite Crisis: Issue Seven – Finale
2. Infinite Crisis: Issue Four – Homecoming
3. Infinite Crisis: Issue Three – Divine Intervention
4. Infinite Crisis: Issue Two – The Survivors
5. Infinite Crisis: Issue One – DC Comics Proudly Presents: Infinite Crisis