Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

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Okay. As the title suggests, this is the finale of the Infinite Crisis series. Because, in the DC Universe, even the infinite has an end. Take that, maths nerds! We start with Supes, Bats, Golden Age Supes, Wonder Woman, Power Girl and the rest all upset about Superboy being totally dead. Luckily, before we can get too down in the dumps about this, it turns out every single supervillain in the world has broken free of prison and shown up in Metropolis, ready to rumble. First fight on the card: the match-up we’ve all been waiting for! Doomsday vs, uh, Green Arrow.

The fight of the century!

But before Ollie can be crushed into some kind of hideous goateed pulp, the Super-spoilsports show up and interrupt the bout. Their blatant funlessness peeves Superboy-Prime to such an extent that he decides he’s going to fly off, over to the planet Oa, and fly through it at light speed. According to his high school Physics lessons, this means there will be a new big bang and he’ll be the only one left. Kinda screwy logic there, but then again, his teacher was probably the Golden Age Lois Lane and she was the kind of gal who used to fall out of windows just to get a date with a Kryptonian. Everybody who can fly heads off to chase Superboy Prime and stop him. Everybody who can’t has to settle for more Earthbound fisticuffs and missing out on most of the fun. Although Bats does pull a gun on Alexander Luthor at one point. Wonder Woman urges Bats not to shoot him. “He’s not worth it,” she says. “I know,” says Bats. And so a wall inexplicably falls on him instead.

In space, the Green Lanterns try to slow Superboy-Prime down with a ‘three hundred-mile-thick wall of pure willpower’. Duh! Like that’s going to work. He kills a handful of them for being so stupid. So Supes and Golden Age Supes team up to fly him through a red sun and into the Green Lantern planet Mogo. They then fight some more, until Superboy-Prime is beaten unconsciousness and the Golden Age Supes dies of a heart attack. What a fittingly geriatric end to the superhero who started them all.

And that’s more or less that. Thanks to the red sun thing, Supes no longer has any powers (although one assumes he will get better as sales figures dictate) and Wonder Woman and Bats have decided they can’t be bothered being superheroes for a bit (again, sales pending). And the Green Lanterns take Superboy-Prime away and lock him in ‘quantum containment fields containing a junior red sun eater (courtesy of Donna Troy, who is apparently now an intergalactic pet store owner), with fifty Green Lanterns watching him at all times’. Which is probably overkill, but possibly all part of some kind of Oan stimulus package.

MVP: The Joker. He ends the story by shooting Alexander Luthor in the face. Ha ha ha! That’ll teach him not to let the Clown Prince of Crime into his supervillain club. You stupid Earth-3 idiot!

Next: Final Crisis

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1. Infinite Crisis: Issue Five – Faith
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3. Infinite Crisis: Issue One – DC Comics Proudly Presents: Infinite Crisis
4. Infinite Crisis: Issue Six – Touchdown
5. Infinite Crisis: Issue Two – The Survivors