Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

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We open at a prayer ceremony led by Zauriel, who, it just so happens, is a frickin’ angel! You’ve got to admit, if you’re going to have a church service, then that’s the way to go about it. It’s still not enough to keep Hal ‘No Manners’ Jordan entertained – too little brawling, too much plate-passing, one assumes – so he zooms off, mid-service. For a dude who used to be the Spectre, Hal’s sure disrespectful of God. Meanwhile, back on Earth-2, the Golden Age Superman brags incessantly about how he’s returned his Earth to existence and how it’s totally awesome and how everything is just going to be swell from now on. Unfortunately, mid-gloat, the Golden Age Lois Lane falls down, like, dead. Which certainly derails the elder Supes just a tad, let me tell you.

Oh, Hal. Couldn't you at least have waited for a pause in the service before flying off?

While he screams in sorrow, Wonder Woman is visited by The Golden Age Wonder Woman, who tells her that the Golden Age Supes is having a bad day. The modern day Supes is about to head over to console him and, as is the Kryptonian way, the two will engage in senseless, grieving fisticuffs. And it’s up to Wonder Woman to go break the two lunkheads up and talk some magic lasso sense into them. “Also,” sniffs the Golden Age Wonder Woman. “You might try at least wearing some kind of skirt over your underwear. You look like a whore.” So you can understand why WW at first mistook the Golden Age Wonder Woman for her mother.

Wonder Woman flies on over to Earth-2 in naught but her underwear (rebellious!) to break up the previously discussed super-imbroglio. “Ya crazy Kryptonians!” she says. “Cut it out. We’ve got bigger fish to fry.” “Starro The Starfish Conqueror?” say the Supermen, turning their heads to check. Wonder Woman sighs. Echinoderms. How many times does she have to tell them? Starfish are echinoderms. No, the bigger fish to fry to which she metaphorically refers are the thousands and thousands and millions of alternate Earths who have just appeared in the sky as Alexander Luthor attempts to recreate the multiverse. “Oh, for fuck’s sake,” says the Golden Age Supes. “Didn’t I just spend twenty years living in a crystal prison after destroying the multiverse? Make up your mind, DC bigwigs!!” And if this editorial flip-flopping wasn’t bad enough, the Flash returns on the penultimate page to warn everybody that the (typically inept) Flashes couldn’t hold Superboy-Prime in the future. And, as a result, he’s back in the present to punch more heads off of B-Grade superheroes. So look out, Captain Comet!

MVP: Got to be the Golden Age Supes with his endless bluster. Even when he’s on the back foot, ensnared by Wonder Woman’s magic lasso and ordered to tell the truth, he one-ups her. “I don’t need your magic lasso to tell the truth,” he claims. “That’s what people from my Earth do.” Way to look down one’s Kryptonian Earth-2 nose, GA Supes.

Next Issue: A Three Stooges impression. PLUS Bats has fun with spyware!

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