Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

Okay. So I took most of last week off for impersonal reasons. Special bonus upside – two weeks’ worth of keyword fun as we cast our malformed eye over the search terms used by the beautiful people to find this site lo this past fortnight.

Alex and Mallory ponder the commercial viability of a 'Tickle Me Justine Bateman' doll

tickling justine bateman

Sigh. Justine Bateman. For those of us who grew into maturity during the 1980s, the sheer prettitude of Mallory Keaton was a glorious thing to behold. If only Gary David Goldberg had thought to produce a ‘Tickle Me Mallory’ doll, he might have made a fortune. I bet it would have outsold the ‘Sit, Ubu Sit’ doll several times over.

wildebeests are ugly

They’re no Justine Bateman, that’s for sure.

who can cure a paraplegic

According to Lost, Dr Jack Shepherd is capable of doing so. Also, an island. When oh when oh when will the pigheaded medical community wake up and take notice of this??

testicular electrocution

john schneider cardboard cutout

bruce springsteen figurine

I’m not sure if I could sensibly choose between a John Schneider cardboard cutout and a Bruce Springsteen figurine. Not even under the threat of testicular electrocution! So probably best to give me all three.

in which episode lana lang is vampire in samallville?

This godawful one (Season Five, Episode Five). It is a sad indictment on an episode of any television show when scantily clad college girls can’t rescue it.

green arrow shot the atom into darkseid’s brain

He sure did. In the penultimate issue of Grant Morrison’s kickass Rock of Ages storyline of his even more kickass JLA run.

Perhaps I love Morrison a little too much, but, seriously dude, any man who can make Green Arrow and The Freakin’ Atom seem kickass is pretty durn awesome. Nobody sane can dispute that.

funny jewish men who talk about their schmear

I have no idea. Let’s go with Henry Kissinger and Jesus.

Buy On Amazon

“writers on writing – inside the writers room with lost”

Yeah, I want a copy of this too. You can get it from Amazon (link: Writers on Writing – Inside the Writers Room with Lost). Assuming, y’know, you live in the US. Because, despite being a multi-region DVD, they apparently don’t want to ship it anywhere outside the shining seas that encase the United States of Americanos. Bizarre. I’d testicularly electrocute them if I hadn’t found a way around this (thanks again, Morgan!).

if i type this into google will i make the next edition of dan liebke’s “fun with keywords”?

No.

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