Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

After weeks of disagreement and anger and loose stools, my former business partner has calmed himself down and extended the olive branch to me. Bastard! He knows I’m allergic to olives. Also, that my depth perception is sufficiently poor that the branch could easily poke my eye out. In retrospect, it was a fool’s move to go into the olive branch extension business with him at all.

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Watched the 1999 smash hit Kevin Smith film Dogma the other night. Remarkably (or perhaps ‘ironically’, right Jagged Little Pill fanatics?) this movie features Alanis Morissette as the Ultimate Creator. Huh, and people complain about scientists playing God.

Link to Dr Linus

Charts and stats to follow

One dresses to the right. The other leans to the left.'

I know nothing of the upcoming smash hit film Knight And Day featuring uberstars Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. But I saw the poster at the cinema the other day and questions were well and truly raised:

• Is Tom inexplicably wearing a far too short, skin-tight dress?
• Or is Cameron equi-inexplicably wielding a wang?
• And why is the other partner amputated below the right knee?

One thing’s for sure, this is a film that’s going to shatter all kinds of cinematic buddy-movie preconceptions. Roll on, July 2010.

Yes, I know I’m three episodes behind on the Smallville Files. But why should that stop me from goofing off with a ‘Fun With Keywords’ post?

So, how did the beautiful people find this site over the past six or so weeks since I last discussed how they found the site? Why, by using these keywords of course:

astonishing tales is my favourite site ever

Well, that’s just sad. You do know there’s porn out there, don’t you?

clark kent smallville is a dick

No, no, no. Superman is a dick. And we all know that the Clark Kent on Smallville has nothing whatsoever to do with Superman.

applying makeup like laura vandervoort

I’m not sure, but I assume it’s got a lot to do with flaunting your navel as you do it.

has allison mack ever been nude

Nope. Not ever. Like Tobias on Arrested Development, she is a Never-Nude™

erica durance leather

Sure, why not. I’m game if she is.

does crumpet mean girl?

Yep. More specifically, an attractive young girl. So, for example, “That piece of crumpet, Laura Vandervoort, sure knows how to apply makeup.” Or “Hands up who wants to see buxom young crumpet, Erica Durance, dressed in leather?” Or “Allison Mack, renowned Never-Nude™, has just looked up on her computer that ‘crumpet’ means ‘girl’.”

Hope that helps.

storylines that should happen on smallville

Oh, gosh. Anything from the old Superboy comics. They were batshit-awesome. Alternatively, an episode with Lois in leather, while Kara applies makeup.

bryan adams watchmen

Yes, in the Watchmen universe, Rorschach did not let Bryan Adams’ smash hit single (Everything I Do) I Do It For You go unpunished. And that’s why the Watchmen universe is awesome. That, and genetically modified lynxes.

working for the fbi like on flashforward?

From what I can gather, on FlashForward, working for the FBI means you pretty much run around doing whatever the hell you want. So, I’d start there, if I were you. Maybe you’ll be recruited.

burst heroic commence furious astonishing vast

Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! I know, I know. ‘Commence’ is a verb. All the others are (or can be) adjectives. Am I right? What do I win?

the lies of lesbianism

Oh, it’s all lies. Every single word of it. I mean, really. Self-evident nonsense. Women having sex with women? Prrrffrrrt. I’d like to see that.

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Yeah, I suppose that was to be expected. You’re all looking for The Lost Analysis.

Link to Sundown

Charts and stats to follow

Richard Alpert

AKA

• Nestor Carbonelli
• Ricardus

Featured Episode

• 5.15 Follow The Leader

Strengths

• Immortal
• Knows an awful lot about the island

Weaknesses

• But may not know as much as he pretends
• Dabbled in the hippy look briefly
• Refuses to admit he wears eyeliner

Highlight

• Visiting Locke at his birth (Locke’s birth, not Richard’s birth)

Other Facts

• Shares a time-looping compass with Locke
• Terrified of the smoke monster

When Nanna confided in me her belief that ‘The Hip-Hop’ wasn’t ‘all that bad’, I immediately, like any loving grandson would, panicked. I don’t care what those filthy actuarial tables say, 81 is too young to be courting such deep senility. Scared and unsure what to do, I got immediately up in her face, yelling at her to think about what she was saying. “Keep a grip on your faculties, old woman!” I screamed with each senses-inducing slap to her face. Eventually, of course, she was able to repel my barrage long enough to explain her original utterance. “Hip op’,” she said. “The hip op wasn’t all that bad.”

“Jesus, Nanna,” I said, once her clarification sunk in. “Think about your abbreviations before you speak. You don’t have a right to scare me like that.” And, to make sure she gave it some serious contemplation, I took her crutches with me when I left. Harsh? Perhaps. But bifocals, false teeth and now crutches? My Robo-Nanna is lookin’ sweet!

* ANSWER: Nanna-bots! And they’re way cooler than Gran-droids.

Link to The Lighthouse

Charts and stats to follow…

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Recently watched the 2004 smash hit cinematic classic Alien vs Predator. Because, heck. I like Aliens. I like Predators. I like the concept of things ‘versus’ other things. Furthermore, I was unwell and couldn’t be bothered moving from the couch. All these aspects converged to make my viewing of this movie a near statistical certainty which I could not possibly deny.

And so it came to pass.

Now, if you haven’t seen Alien vs Predator, you’re almost certainly wondering: hey, who won? And, if you haven’t seen Alien vs Predator, I can equally almost certainly assure you that (SPOILER!) you did.