Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

Link to Dr Linus

Charts and stats to follow

I know nothing of the upcoming smash hit film Knight And Day featuring uberstars Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. But I saw the poster at the cinema the other day and questions were well and truly raised:

• Is Tom inexplicably wearing a far too short, skin-tight dress?
• Or is Cameron equi-inexplicably wielding a wang?
• And why is the other partner amputated below the right knee?

One thing’s for sure, this is a film that’s going to shatter all kinds of cinematic buddy-movie preconceptions. Roll on, July 2010.

Yes, I know I’m three episodes behind on the Smallville Files. But why should that stop me from goofing off with a ‘Fun With Keywords’ post?

So, how did the beautiful people find this site over the past six or so weeks since I last discussed how they found the site? Why, by using these keywords of course:

astonishing tales is my favourite site ever

Well, that’s just sad. You do know there’s porn out there, don’t you?

clark kent smallville is a dick

No, no, no. Superman is a dick. And we all know that the Clark Kent on Smallville has nothing whatsoever to do with Superman.

applying makeup like laura vandervoort

I’m not sure, but I assume it’s got a lot to do with flaunting your navel as you do it.

has allison mack ever been nude

Nope. Not ever. Like Tobias on Arrested Development, she is a Never-Nude™

erica durance leather

Sure, why not. I’m game if she is.

does crumpet mean girl?

Yep. More specifically, an attractive young girl. So, for example, “That piece of crumpet, Laura Vandervoort, sure knows how to apply makeup.” Or “Hands up who wants to see buxom young crumpet, Erica Durance, dressed in leather?” Or “Allison Mack, renowned Never-Nude™, has just looked up on her computer that ‘crumpet’ means ‘girl’.”

Hope that helps.

storylines that should happen on smallville

Oh, gosh. Anything from the old Superboy comics. They were batshit-awesome. Alternatively, an episode with Lois in leather, while Kara applies makeup.

bryan adams watchmen

Yes, in the Watchmen universe, Rorschach did not let Bryan Adams’ smash hit single (Everything I Do) I Do It For You go unpunished. And that’s why the Watchmen universe is awesome. That, and genetically modified lynxes.

working for the fbi like on flashforward?

From what I can gather, on FlashForward, working for the FBI means you pretty much run around doing whatever the hell you want. So, I’d start there, if I were you. Maybe you’ll be recruited.

burst heroic commence furious astonishing vast

Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! I know, I know. ‘Commence’ is a verb. All the others are (or can be) adjectives. Am I right? What do I win?

the lies of lesbianism

Oh, it’s all lies. Every single word of it. I mean, really. Self-evident nonsense. Women having sex with women? Prrrffrrrt. I’d like to see that.

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Yeah, I suppose that was to be expected. You’re all looking for The Lost Analysis.

Link to Sundown

Charts and stats to follow

AKA

• Nestor Carbonelli
• Ricardus

Featured Episode

• 5.15 Follow The Leader

Strengths

• Immortal
• Knows an awful lot about the island

Weaknesses

• But may not know as much as he pretends
• Dabbled in the hippy look briefly
• Refuses to admit he wears eyeliner

Highlight

• Visiting Locke at his birth (Locke’s birth, not Richard’s birth)

Other Facts

• Shares a time-looping compass with Locke
• Terrified of the smoke monster

When Nanna confided in me her belief that ‘The Hip-Hop’ wasn’t ‘all that bad’, I immediately, like any loving grandson would, panicked. I don’t care what those filthy actuarial tables say, 81 is too young to be courting such deep senility. Scared and unsure what to do, I got immediately up in her face, yelling at her to think about what she was saying. “Keep a grip on your faculties, old woman!” I screamed with each senses-inducing slap to her face. Eventually, of course, she was able to repel my barrage long enough to explain her original utterance. “Hip op’,” she said. “The hip op wasn’t all that bad.”

“Jesus, Nanna,” I said, once her clarification sunk in. “Think about your abbreviations before you speak. You don’t have a right to scare me like that.” And, to make sure she gave it some serious contemplation, I took her crutches with me when I left. Harsh? Perhaps. But bifocals, false teeth and now crutches? My Robo-Nanna is lookin’ sweet!

* ANSWER: Nanna-bots! And they’re way cooler than Gran-droids.

Link to The Lighthouse

Charts and stats to follow…

Recently watched the 2004 smash hit cinematic classic Alien vs Predator. Because, heck. I like Aliens. I like Predators. I like the concept of things ‘versus’ other things. Furthermore, I was unwell and couldn’t be bothered moving from the couch. All these aspects converged to make my viewing of this movie a near statistical certainty which I could not possibly deny.

And so it came to pass.

Now, if you haven’t seen Alien vs Predator, you’re almost certainly wondering: hey, who won? And, if you haven’t seen Alien vs Predator, I can equally almost certainly assure you that (SPOILER!) you did.

Link to The Substitute

Charts and stats to follow…

Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O’Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.

Allrightey then. Let’s sort the second half of this Justice Society crossover thing out.

When last we left, assorted members of the Justice League (Superlad, GA and Martian Manhunter) had stumbled their way into the Justice Society headquarters, where they were confronted with Hawkman, Dr Fate and Stargirl.

Hawkman declares that they don’t need any help. “We’re going to find Icicle by ourselves,” he says. “All we want is justice.”

“Justice?” says GA. “Well, then you need us. We’re the Justice League.”

“Yeah?” says Hawkman. “And we’re the Justice Society. And societies are better than leagues.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Totally are.”

“Says you.”

“Says everybody.”

“No way.”

“Way.”

Etcetera.

Back at the Daily Planet, Lois deigns to make an appearance, ponytail swooshing magnificently. Needless to say she’s receiving mysterious boxes from mysterious sources. The mysterious box contains mysterious photos and mysterious files of the mystery men of the Justice Society. I assume this will prove relevant at some point. But, for now, we’ll stick with mysterious.

Hawkman, meanwhile, is still back at Justice Society Headquarters, boring everybody silly with the history of the JSA.

“A secret government agency wanted us to work for them, so they told us to identify ourselves. But we refused to play ball, because we’re totally mysterious. Despite this, they found out our identities anyway and then framed us for crimes we didn’t commit.”

“Like the A Team?” says GA.

“Wait,” says Superlad. “They challenged you to a game of baseball?”

But Hawkman’s sensibly ignoring these two. Instead, he’s prattling on about failures of leadership and the like. Eventually he sputters to a halt, declaring a ‘temporary alliance’ with the younger nitwits.

“Kickass!” says Superlad. “Now, do you have any clues where we find Icicle? Because we got nuthin’.”

“Ahem,” says TIAC, wandering in, wielding a script.

“Is this your secretary?” sneers Hawkman.

“No,” says Martian Manhunter. “We’re looking for a really pretty girl to be our secretary. Like those hotties on Mad Men. Have you seen that show?” The others shake their head. “Anyway, this is just TIAC.”

TIAC pulls out her script and tells everybody that Icicle was seen visiting his father in an earlier scene that nobody paid much attention to. Also, that he has to replenish his energies with liquid nitrogen.

“We’ll corner him at the Liquid Nitrogen Ice-Cream Parlour on Clinton Street!” says Superlad, excitedly.

“No such place,” mutters GA.

But they agree to split up into pairs. Stargirl and TIAC head back to TIAC HQ, where Stargirl gives a particularly snooty architectural critique.

“Boy,” she says. “This place is sterile. At least, our Headquarters is a place where you can hang out with other heroes, like a family.”

“Yeah, well at least we have a computer newer than a Commodore 64.”

But Stargirl has no time for petty arguments. She has a tedious origin story to impart. Which she does, before segueing seamlessly back into her critique.

“Maybe your team wouldn’t be so lame if you didn’t only get together when there was trouble,” she says. “Maybe you guys should just, like, hang out sometime. Go out for pizza or something.”

“I keep trying to organise a beach volleyball tournament,” says TIAC. “But we don’t have a beach.” She sighs. “Or a volleyball.”

So we leave this scene of loss and volleyballlessness to follow GA and Hawkman who are staking out the hospital where Icicle’s father continues to die. The two bicker like an old married couple.

“I hate waiting,” says GA

“Yeah, but you love talking,” says Hawkman.

“I only talk because you never do,” says GA. “Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one trying to make this team-up work.”

“After a hard day’s superheroics, sometimes I just want to come home and relax and not listen to your incessant yapping. Is that too much to ask?”

“Well, what about my needs?” says GA. “Don’t they count?”

Elsewhere, Doc Fate is freaking Superlad out with talk about how he’s the great hope for the future.

“You will lead this generation’s superheroes as Hawkman once led ours,” says Doc Fate.

“But I won’t be as lame, right?” says Superlad.

Doc Fate sighs. “No,” he admits. “You won’t. Instead, you will face your ultimate opponent, Sinead Luthor, and triumph over him.”

“But Sinead’s dead,” says Superlad.

“He is?” says Doc Fate. “Stupid helmet’s on the fritz again.” He whacks the side of it a few times.

Lois shows up. Superlad scarpers off. Dr Fate hangs around for a chinwag.

“Nice helmet,” says Lois.

“Thank you,” says Doc Fate. He shamelessly checks our her form.

“I’m looking for Hawkman.”

“Yeah,” says Droc Fate. “He’s just stepped out. Would you like to hear vague and ominous predictions about your future?”

“Sure,” says Lois. Doc Fate pulls out a newspaper.

“You’re a Pisces, right?”

“Scorpio.”

We now check in on a mysterious government group known as Checkmate, who, it turns out has hired Icicle. Official Checkmate Testicle-Crusher Amanda Waller shows up to taunt Icicle about him being responsible for his mother’s death. When she’s done with that, she effortlessly manipulates Icicle into volunteering to kill the rest of the Justice Society. Because that was previously in doubt? I don’t know.

By the time Lois returns to The Daily Plane, Superlad has read through the mysterious files about the Justice Society.

“Pretty mysterious files,” he says. “So, you’re investigating the JSA?”

“Yep,” she says. “Also, a yellow-helmeted dude read me my horoscope.”

“Busy day.”

“Sure has been,” says Lois. She fills him in on everything he already knows. Superlad plays dumb. Remarkably convincingly.

“Hey, wanna go grab a liquid nitrogen ice cream from the Liquid Nitrogen Ice Cream Parlour on Clinton St?” says Superlad.

“No such place,” says Lois.

So instead Doc Fate and Martian Manhunter are checking out an ice cream-less local liquid nitrogen factory. They duel it out to see who has the greater gravitas.

“You are not human,” intones Dr Fate. “Yet you are forced to be one.”

“I nobly sacrificed my abilities,” says Martian Manhunter.

“The cosmic helmet of Nabu sees this,” says Dr Fate. “And, indeed, the fate of everybody around me. I look into the window of the future and witness what might be. But one can see… too much.”

But Martian Manhunter is not going to let Doc Fate hog all the solemnity.

“I had a wife and daughter who died,” he says, from nowhere.

“Fine, whatever,” says Doc Fate. And instead decrees that it’s time for a fight.

The fight goes startlingly poorly. Doc Fate is stabbed by an Icicle ice shard, but before he dies, he teleports Martian Manhunter to Dr Spectacle’s laboratory. “It’s not your fate to die this day,” he says, dying with grave seriousness.

Superlad meets up with Dr Spectacles at the laboratory.

“We’re checking out Martian Manhunter now,” says Dr Spectacles. “He seems to be undergoing some form of transformation. Into what, we can only guess.”

“Ooh,” says Superlad. “I guess… he’s transforming into a semi-trailer truck!”

“A battle cat!” says Stargirl, who has shown up to give the scene some bonus crumpet. “No, a unicorn.”

“You’re both wrong,” says Dr Spectacles. He leaves the scene so Superlad and Stargirl can chat about how Hawkman has gone off the deep end and will probably kill Icicle if he finds him first. Stargirl also suggests that Superlad reminds her of the Star-Spangled Kid.

“Dude,” says Superlad. “What’s with you JSA’ers? I remind you of Star-Spangled Kid? I reminded Doc Fate of Hawkman? Have you seen my list of powers? I need, like, a second page. I’m way cooler than those two combined.” He takes a deep breath. Calms down. “But hey, you should totally carry on the Star-Spangled Lamo’s work. As long as you keep his legacy alive, you keep him alive.”

Stargirl smiles.

“But not literally,” says Superlad. “He’s still going to be totally dead.” He pokes his tongue out the corner of his mouth and closes his eyes in a ‘totally dead’ impression.

Stargirl’s smile falters.

“It was a metaphor,” he says.

“Yep. Got it.”

Meanwhile, Hawkman and GA are suiting up to go murder the snot out of Icicle. Hawkman’s moping about, y’know, all the deaths of all the JSA members.

“Y’know,” says GA. “I’m supposed to be the mopey one on this show. Did you see earlier in the season? I moped it up, old school.”

“I know,” says Hawkman. And mopes about that for a bit. The moping turns into one of those tedious origin tales the JSA can’t stop telling. This time, some gibberish about reincarnation and curses and dead wives.

Thrillingly, GA somehow makes this about him. “I’ve never had a relationship like that,” he says, mopily.

“That’s because you don’t ever let anybody know how you feel about them,” says Hawkman. “And instead hide your feelings by acting like a jackass.”

GA won’t have that! “The jackass thing isn’t an act!”

But there’s no more time for moping duels. Instead, everybody meets up at JSA HQ to fight Icicle, who has also conveniently shown up, but wearing Doctor Fate’s helmet. He tries to choke the snot out of TIAC with some kind of magic ice ray thing.

Superlad attacks Icicle with the heat vision. Hawkman flies in with his mace. GA fires an arrow. Stargirl does her hair.

It’s not enough, Icicle hurls them all away. He goes to kill Stargirl, but Martian Manhunter shows up, all powered up again (“That was going to be my next guess!” says Superlad) and saves her.

Then there are some more fisticuffs and Hawkman uses his mace to knock the Dr Fate helmet clear off Icicle’s head.

And that’s pretty much that.

Hawkman and Superlad chat after the fight.

“You guys are a better team than I thought,” says Hawkman.

“And you guys are way worse,” says Superlad. “I mean, without the helmet, Icicle was just a lame ice-wielding villain who we effortlessly defeated. And yet he took out how many JSA members before he even got the helmet? That’s sad, dude.”

Hawkman ignores him and starts babbling some more about his origin. Yak-yak-yak about his kingdom and how he learned to fly and his dead wife and the like.

“Hey, Hawkman,” says Superlad. “There’s a reason they call it a secret origin.” He raises his index finger to his lips. “Shhhh…”

But Hawkman can’t be stopped. He’s all ‘Justice Society lives again’. And ‘I’ll train proteges and sidekicks’. And ‘now with added crumpet’.

And Martian Manhunter shows up at TIAC HQ to warn TIAC not to go crazy.

“Don’t go crazy,” he warns.

“Good tip.”

And, while TIAC, Martian Manhunter and GA all head out to get some pizza, Official Checkmate Testicle-Crusher Amanda Waller gloats to the captured Icicle about how her plan the whole time wasn’t to murder the JSA, but rather to inspire them to reform. Also, how she was the mysterious source of the mysterious boxes that contained the mysterious photos and mysterious files on the mystery men of the Justice Society, which Lois mysteriously used to score a not-so-mysterious front page article. When Icicle is unimpressed with Waller’s mysteriousness, she shoots him in the head. Ha ha ha! That’ll teach you, Icicle.

And then she heads off for her own pizza date with Little Miss Luthor. Mysterious!

Next Week: After-dinner mints