Infinite Crisis: Issue Three – Divine Intervention
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The third issue opens, awesomely, with senseless fisticuffs. That giant, omnipotent, unleashed force of chaotic magic, The Spectre, is laying waste to Captain Fish-Head and the rest of Atlantis (presumably he heard the phrase ’shooting fish in a barrel’ and decided to give it a whirl). Elsewhere, thousands and thousands of OMACs are swarming all over Wonder Woman and the rest of the Amazons on Paradise Island. And, of course, Bats is in the batcave, punching a computer monitor (presumably one showing the Blue Screen of Death).
Whoa! Golden Age Supes sees the senseless violence of Bats and zooms into the batcave to spend the issue talking sense into him. Those stinkin’ fish-people and the hot lesbians can just look after themselves for an issue. Except, of course, that they can’t. So while Golden Age Supes is shooting the breeze with Bats, The Spectre murders all the Atlanteans. And Paradise Island is forced to retreat into another dimension (just like that wacky island on Lost! Kick-ass!!). Still, someone else can deal with that. Golden Age Supes instead talks to Bats and tells him about his plans to wipe out all of the current DC Universe Earth and replace it with the kindler, gentler, Earth-Two that was destroyed in the original Crisis. He waxes lyrical about the awesomeness of Earth-Two. “Our Red Tornado wasn’t even a robot!” he exclaims enthusiastically, neglecting to mention it was a middle-aged woman with a saucepan on her head named Ma Hunkel. Some details are best glossed over.
What gifts will Luthor leave for Power Girl at the bottom of the Anti-Monitor tree?
Oh, and back at Golden Age Supes’ Faux Fortress of Solitude, it’s revealed that the Luthor who has been leading the society of supervillains is not the regular DC Universe Lex Luthor we’ve come to know and laugh at in his green and purple battlesuit. No, instead it’s Alexander Luthor – the ostensibly good Luthor! It turns out he’s evil as all get-out. But before we get all worked up with the common sense of eugenics and how anybody named Luthor must inevitably be evil, it should also be mentioned that his equally evil sidekick is the Superboy of Earth-Prime. So, y’know, environment clearly also plays a role. Although how being raised in a crystal prison by an aged perfect doppelganger of yourself, his emotionally manipulative wife and an anti-matter version of history’s greatest supervillain could send a teen off the rails remains an exercise for the diligent reader. Nevertheless, Superboy-Prime punches out Power Girl and attaches her to a giant machine Alexander’s built and which is decorated with all manner of superpowered beings and, uh, The Anti-Monitor. Apparently, they don’t have Christmas trees in the Faux Fortress.
MVP: Gotta be Bats. He listens to the Golden Age Supes’ beautiful speech about how perfect Earth-Two is and how, once it is returned, there’ll be no more distrust and lies and snickering about dead sidekicks among the superhero community. His response? Death by kryptonite radiation poisoning!! Bruce Wayne, tough negotiator! Alas, the K doesn’t hurt the Golden Age Supes. At least, ‘not physically’. Still, it makes him sad, so points to Bats.
Next Issue: A dab of homo-eroticism. PLUS The all-new adventures of Arm Tear-Off Boy
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Posted: June 8th, 2009 under crises.
Tags: blue screen of death, chaotic magic, eugenics, hot lesbians, infinite crisis, lesbianism, omnipotence, shooting fish in a barrel, shooting the breeze, sidekicks, supervillains
[...] Next Issue: The Spectre’s had enough of Captain Fish-Head. PLUS Bat’s measured response. [...]