Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

1. Because You Left
2. The Lie
3. Jughead
4. The Little Prince
5. This Place Is Death
6. 316
7. The Life And Death Of Jeremy Bentham
8. La Fleur
9. Namaste
10. He’s Our You
11. Whatever Happened, Happened
12. Dead Is Dead
13. Some Like It Hoth
14. The Variable
15. Follow The Leader
16. The Incident (Part One)
17. The Incident (Part Two)

Next: Season One? Season Nine? Season Pi? Surely it can’t be as simple as Season Six, can it?

Because You Left

We pick up right from where we left off last year. Ben is getting the band back together. He jokes that he is ‘on a mission from Jacob’, but The Doc, stoned off his gourd and still with far too much facial hair and far too little knowledge of basic island mythology, doesn’t get it. Ben takes this in a standard stride and orders The Doc to sort out all three issues by the time he returns from putting Locke’s dead body in cold storage. The Doc one-third-complies. Meanwhile, Sayid is on the run with Hurley while Kate is on the run with Aaron. It is hard to tell which of the two has the greater hindrance, although (hint!) Aaron is at no point amusingly caught on camera holding a gun over a dead body. These antics all takes place in ‘the present’, which is three years ahead of ‘the present’ we’d grown used to in the series so far. This sudden change in timeline POV is because the damn fool island and the survivors on it are travelling through time like nobody’s business. Sawyer refuses to stand for this kind of random chrono-nonsense and boldly protests by brazenly spending the episode shirtless. Juliet, alas, does not follow his lead. Eventually Faraday comes to the conclusion that the only person who can sort this mess out is Desmond, a realisation that pleases nobody.

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Michael (+96%) has been Lost‘s MVP (most valuable player). Juliet (-85%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Locke (+14%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

The Lie

Y’know who is sick of all the Oceanic Six-related lying? Hurley, that’s who. What he’s totally not sick of, though, is Weekend At Bernie’s style antics. So, in celebration of that Academy Award-winning masterpiece, the big fella lugs around an unconscious Sayid for most of the episode. Along the way, he shops for T-shirts, chats with the still-dead Ana Lucia (‘dead sexy in a police uniform’, that is. Right, Lost fans?), throws foodstuffs at Ben, summarises four seasons of plot to his mother and surrenders himself to the cops. Quite the day for our favourite loon. Meanwhile, on the island, our time-travelling crew are attacked by roving bands of flaming arrows. A whole heap of extras are impaled and burn to death. Regular cast members do not, although Sawyer hurts his foot. Ouchy! Poor Sawyer.

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Michael (+95%) has been Lost‘s MVP (most valuable player). Juliet (-83%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Sun (+4%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

Jughead

Desmond and Penny have spent the last three years sailing around the world, catching some rays, seeing the sights, giving birth, snorkeling… the usual carefree holidaying lifestyle. But now Desmond’s been summoned by a dream-vision of Faraday, who has urged him to find his (Faraday’s) mother and save everybody from terribubble time travel trouble. Penny is exasperated by how quickly Desmond obeys Faraday. She can’t even get him to swab the poop deck. All those diapers are piling up! Nevertheless, she at least makes him promise to not do anything illegal, nor antagonise her father or lead his family into danger. Desmond agrees, then immediately breaks into Faraday’s semi-deserted lab, confronts Widmore and sets course for LA (where Ben is waiting to, uh, kill Penny). Meanwhile on the island, it’s 1954 and Faraday is hanging out with a younger version of his mother and a hydrogen bomb. It is unclear which of the two is less friendly. Meanwhile, Locke tries to reason with Richard Alpert, but loses him somewhere around the point where he urges him (Alpert) to come visit him (Locke) at his (Locke’s) upcoming birth. Sawyer just sulks around, wondering where the hell everybody else from Season One went!

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Michael (+93%) has been Lost‘s MVP (most valuable player). Juliet (-74%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Sayid (+1%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

The Little Prince

Back off the island, Kate’s trying to work out who wants to take Aaron away from her. Jack volunteers to help. “Uh, no thanks,” says Kate, assuming Jack’s still stoned off his gourd and wearing that ridiculous beard. Jack assures her that kind of behaviour is ‘soooo Season Three Finale’ and promises her if she lets him help, he’ll have another one of those scenes with that woman with the Worst Australian Accent Ever. “Claire’s mother?” says Kate, smiling just at the thought. She loves listening to her butcher the accent. Of course, none of this has anything to do with Aaron, so Ben speeds things along by admitting he was the one behind the ‘stealing Aaron away’ thing. On the island, meanwhile, Locke and Sawyer visit the episode where Boone died and Claire gave birth. One way to save on Season One DVD costs, right, kids? Oh, and in cliffhanger news, Jin is washed up ashore sixteen years in the past with a group of batshit French people, led by that batshit French woman Rousseau. “How,” he asks. “Can I possibly have been inside the time-travel radius of the island when a helicopter that left the boat I was on, and which was flying back towards the island as fast as it could, didn’t make it inside the radius?” The French people provide a perfectly reasonable explanation. But, alas, only in French. Those wily bastards!

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Sayid (+59%) has been Lost‘s MVP (most valuable player). Sawyer (-58%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Kate (+6%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

This Place Is Death

On the island, Locke’s group is headed back to the Orchid to try and stop all this senseless time-shifting. Five episodes is more than enough. Way more than enough. They are joined by Jin, who has escaped from a completely different storyline featuring that batshit French woman, her idiot arm-losing shipmates and the smoke monster. Locke doesn’t have time to listen to Jin’s mystery-resolving tales, however. He has a meeting with The Doc‘s dad and that man’s working to a timetable. Meanwhile, Charlotte is dying of a bothersome nose bleed. But before doing so she tells Faraday that, as a child, she was warned by ‘a mean man’ to leave the island and never return. She goes on to add that she’s pretty sure the mean man was Faraday. “Ouch!” says Faraday. “Harsh.” Off the island, Ben’s failed to get all the Oceanic Six together. Only Sun and The Doc have agreed to his cockamamie plan to return to the island. Luckily, Desmond shows up and promises to sub for the others, eventually winning Ben over with a startlingly good Kate impression. “Oh, Sawyer, I heart you,” he says in strained falsetto. “Uh, I’m Jack,” says The Doc. “Whatever, brother,” says Desmond. So, that’s pretty spot on, really.

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Locke (+97%) has been Lost‘s MVP (most valuable player). Hurley (-85%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Kate (-1%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

316

Despite only Sun and The Doc agreeing to return to the island, that creepy old woman Ms. Hawking seems unperturbed. She takes The Doc aside and explains to him that they need to get on Flight 316 to Guam and, if there are enough similarities between that flight and the original crashed flight, they may just be lucky enough to crash on the island again. “Will the ratings be the same as the original crash?” asks The Doc. Everybody has a bit of a laugh at that. So while The Doc spends much of the episode trying to emulate one tiny portion of the original flight (ie, getting his father’s shoes onto the dead John Locke), Ben sorts out much of the rest of it off-camera. He springs Hurley from jail and urges him to bring along a guitar. “I only know four chords,” admits Hurley. “Engh,” says Ben. One more than Charlie. Close enough. He tells Kate that she can be ‘Shannon, Claire, Libby or Ana Lucia.’ When Kate complains about these dud choices and asks if she can just be herself, Ben refuses and points to Sayid, who has locked in the official flight fugitive role. “Will I have to sleep with Sawyer when we get to the island?” asks Sayid. “Of course,” says Ben. “Excellent,” says Sayid, and adjusts his wig.

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Locke (+70%) has been Lost‘s MVP (most valuable player). Hurley (-94%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Sawyer (+0%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

The Life And Death Of Jeremy Bentham

Well, Locke’s back on the mainland, trying to convince everybody to return to the island. This might seem a waste of time since everybody just got back last episode, but no, this is a flashback story and you’re a fool to think otherwise. Nevertheless, Locke is struggling to convince people (Sayid’s busy building torturing facilities for the homeless, Hurley’s got a busy schedule of being crazy, Walt needs to hang out with his schoolmates being a lot larger than he was three years ago and so forth) so, furious, gets into a car crash. He wakes up in a hospital, where The Doc gives him a piece of his mind. “Locke,” he says. “You’re a stupid, deluded, doddering old man. You’re not special. You’re nothing. Nobody likes you. Why don’t you go hang yourself, but be interrupted by Ben, who talks you out of suicide so he can murder you himself.” So, clearly, The Doc has lost none of his legendary bedside manner.

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Locke (+70%) has been Lost‘s MVP (most valuable player). Desmond (-54%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Hurley (+12%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

La Fleur

Sawyer is sick of the ‘Sawyer’ nickname. ‘Too Twain-esque’, he suddenly declares, confusing the poorly read Miles, who assumes he is referring to Shania. Furthermore, Sawyer will be damned if he’s going back to boring old ‘James Ford’. Instead, he declares, he will now inexplicably be known as ‘Le Fleur’. Furthermore, they will all live in the 1970′s, join the DHARMA Initiative and generally ‘chillax’ for three years until Locke brings the rest of the crew back. When pressed for further details, Sawyer decrees that Jin shall learn a superior brand of English, Miles shall remain waggishly sarcastic, Juliet shall become an auto mechanic who dabbles in obstetrics and Faraday shall sulk rather more than seems necessary. “What about you?” asks Jin. “I shall become Head of Security, shave more regularly, wash my hair and, in my spare time, shag the living daylights out of Juliet here,” says Sawyer, who has clearly thought this through. Finally, thinks Juliet, who had been waiting patiently for this turn of events since last year’s shirtless finale.

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Locke (+40%) has been Lost‘s MVP (most valuable player). Jack (-97%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Ben (+7%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

Namaste

The Doc, Hurley and Kate have made it back to the island, and not a moment too soon. Or, to be more time paradoxically precise, about thirty-odd years too soon. For, as Sawyer laboriously explains, they have returned to the 1970′s, smack bang in the middle of the Dharma Initiative. Also, Sawyer goes on to add, the only way he can plausibly explain their presence here is to nominate them as fresh submarine-arrivin’ recruits of varying aptitudes and skill sets. Furthermore, he goes on to add, if we find Sayid running around in the jungle, still handcuffed from the flight, I will have to declare him a refugee from the Hostiles (aka ‘The Others’), and imprison him, lest we upset Richard Alpert and destroy the tentative truce we have going here between the two parties. I will provide him sandwiches (no mustard) delivered by a young Ben Linus. You should also know, he explains, that I am now known as Le Fleur, am the Head of Security here and am shacked up with Juliet where I spend each evening reading books, Winston Churchill-style and scheming my schemy schemes. “Whoa,” says Doc. “Wait just a second. Back up a bit and let us get our heads around this. A mustard-less sandwich, you say?”

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Locke (+51%) has been Lost‘s MVP (most valuable player). Sawyer (-37%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Kate (+9%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

He’s Our You

Sayid has had enough! Of what, you might sensibly ask? Of being forced to strangle chickens in his childhood for the entertainment of other younglings? Of being force-fed truth-telling hallucinogenic drugs? Of Jin’s flawless English? Of being fed mustard-less sandwiches by young Ben? Of being head-butted by Sawyer? Of being forced to continue to refer to Sawyer as ‘Le Fleur’? Of hot boot-wearin’ bounty hunter babes kicking him in the face? Of missing out on Chef Hurley’s kickin’ dipping sauce? Of flaming, driverless buses careering through Dharmaville and burning down houses? No, Sayid has had enough of the entire space-time freakin’ continuum. So he shoots young Ben in the heart. Put that in your non-paradoxical time travel theories and smoke it, Faraday!

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Locke (+52%) has been Lost‘s MVP (most valuable player). Sayid (-71%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Sawyer (-6%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

Whatever Happened, Happened

Time for tautological titles! With young Ben not quite dead from Sayid’s inept assassination attempt last episode, Juliet gets to work saving the day, operation-wise. Of course, her surgical skills have faded in the last three years what with her busy schedule of shagging Sawyer and pretending to be a ridiculously hot auto mechanic and the like. And, needless to say, the Doc’s got no interest whatsoever in helping save Young Ben’s fool life. “Already operated on him once,” he declares, citing the rarely used ‘One Per Customer’ clause of the Hippocratic Oath. So Kate decides to enlist the aid of Sawyer in handing Ben over to Richard Alpert and T’Others for some old-fashioned magic curin’! In other news, Hurley and Miles debate how, exactly, time travel works on the show before eventually concluding that, alas, it doesn’t.

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Locke (+53%) has been Lost‘s MVP (most valuable player). Kate (-82%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Ben (3%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

Dead Is Dead

The tautological titles continue! Thrill-a-week stuff from the Lost writing staff. This time around, dead is defined, unenlighteningly, as ‘dead’. Which doesn’t explain what that durn fool John Locke is doing up and wandering around, leading Ben by the nose (not literally) to see the smoke monster. Because apparently, in one of Ben’s more ludicrously-conceived lies, Ol’ Smokey is a disembodied entity capable of judging you for your crimes and destroying you where you stand if found guilty (cf. Judge Judy). Also, you summon him by flushing Ben’s secret basement toilet. Which is perhaps less epically mythic than it might have been. Still, the important thing is that Ben chills out with the monster, who declares him ‘okay in my book’ and sends him on his way. Elsewhere, Lapidus is knocked unconscious by some of the surviving passengers back on the beach. You fool passengers!! Don’t you know that in an emergency, one should always follow the instructions of your flight crew?

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Sawyer (+38%) has been Lost‘s MVP (most valuable player). Jack (-77%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Juliet (-13%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

Some Like It Hoth

The all-new comic duo stylings of Hurley and Miles are back. This time around they’re comparing their respective abilities to speak to the dead. Miles thinks his dead-talkin’ skills are better because it earned him $1.6 million dollars to go on a boat trip to the past to meet his dad (our good friend and 70s film star sensation Dr Candle/Halliwax/Wickmund/Chang). Hurley, in contrast, thinks his deceased-yakking abilities rock out because he can chinwag with Mr Eko while playing chess. Stalemate! Agreeing to disagree, the pair then move on to discuss the merits or otherwise of Hurley writing the screenplay for The Empire Strikes Back. Miles decides that’s stupid and why not write the Weekend At Bernies 2 screenplay instead? Heck, he’s already had the foresight to start comically lugging around a dead body. This time, the pair disagree to agree. Compromise! Meanwhile, back at base camp, that annoying suckface Phil confronts Sawyer about the fact that he (Sawyer) handed young Ben over to T’Others a couple of episodes back. Sawyer, who recently made such a big deal about his desire to emulate the wartime nous of Winston Churchill, responds exactly as the ol’ bulldog would have – namely, by sucker-punching Phil in the jaw. Take that, Nazi Dharma scum!

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Ben (+80%) has been Lost‘s MVP (most valuable player). Kate (-76%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Sayid (-2%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

The Variable

Faraday’s back and he’s still as belovedly loopy (aka loopily beloved) as ever. He’s got a checklist of things to do. Reveal himself to be the misbegotten love spawn of Charles Widmore and Eloise Hawking. Check. Flash back to his mother being a bitch to his doomed girlfriend. Check. Reveal himself to be the only person on the island without extensive experience in wielding firearms. Check. Have a futile, rambling conversation with Dr Chang. Check. Cry some more about Oceanic 815. Check. Explain that maybe, despite all his previous claims on the subject, it is possible to change the past. Check. Help The Doc blow up yet another Dharma van. Check. Explain to Kate how he plans to save everybody from the island’s electromagnetic properties by the scientifically robust solution of, uh, dropping a hydrogen bomb on them. Check. Wander into T’Others camp and get shot by his own mother who sent him back in time, knowing precisely that this tragedy would occur. Check. No, wait. What? Sometimes, Dan, it’s important to read a To-Do list through thoroughly before getting to work on it.

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Locke (+32%) has been Lost‘s MVP (most valuable player). Kate (-58%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Jack (+14%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

Follow The Leader

Somebody’s done the math and realised that the season finale is only a week away. Hence, or otherwise, it’s time to come up with a suitably shocking, game-changing conclusion to this whole time-travellin’ year of Lost madcappery. The Doc’s of the opinion that a suitable way to end the season would be to let off a hydrogen bomb on those Dharma clown’s asses. Take that, Radzinsky! In your face, chick-punchin’ Phil! Elsewhen, Locke might be 30 years off the pace, finale-wise, but he’s got his own shock ending up his sleeve. Namely, he’s going to frog-march Richard Alpert over to finally meet this mysterious Jacob buffoon. And then he’s going to kill the snot out of him. In your face, Jacob! Take that, judgmental Smoke Monster! And, of course, it goes without saying that Kate’s got her own idea for an end-of-year conclusion. She’s going to glom onto the otherwise happily-ever-after livin’ Sawyer and Juliet and make a nuisance of herself, ruining their romantic submarine trip to safety and a wonderful future together. Take that and in your face, loyal viewers who keep screaming at their television ‘enough already with the freakin’ relationship angst!’

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Widmore (+80%) has been Lost‘s MVP (most valuable player). Juliet (-71%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Ben (+22%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

The Incident (Part One)

So The Doc, now apparently totally done with this ‘first do no harm’ nonsense, plans to blow the bejeezus out of the Dharma Initiative with Jughead. “Jughead, the Archie comics character?” says Sayid. “No, Jughead the hydrogen bomb.” “That does make more sense,” says Sayid. And he puts aside his issue of Betty and Veronica and starts perusing Faraday’s journal instead. There he learns how to get just the, like, totally explodiest bit out of the bomb, put it in a backpack, sneak into the Dharma camp and get shot by that idiot Phil. Thanks, Faraday. While this is going on, Kate, Sawyer and Juliet decide to commandeer their submarine, Red October style, and return to the island to stop the Doc from going through with his foolhardy blow-up-ey scheme. But not before bumping into Rose, Bernard and Vincent the dog for a chinwag about the joys of retirement and becoming that dead couple Adam and Eve we found in the caves way back in the opening overs of Season One. While all this is going on (or, if one is hung up on accuracy, not at all at the same time as this is going on), Locke continues his march to visit Jacob, where he plans to kill him (or, again for the accuracy Nazis, plans to have Ben kill him). Which is rather rude, considering Jacob has devoted the episode to making vitally crucial appearances in all the other character’s lives. Still, that’s undead Locke for you. Big on murdering and being in touch with the island, low on common courtesy.

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Ms. Hawking (+60%) has been Lost‘s MVP (most valuable player). Miles (-89%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Ben (-3%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

The Incident (Part Two)

So, while Sayid lays dying from a gunshot wound in the back of a Dharma van (ouch! worst place to get a bullet), The Doc and Sawyer decide to wander off for some good old-fashioned fisticuffs. They homoerotically beat the snot out of one another for a bit until Juliet calls an end to it. She’s changed her mind (just like a chick! Right, guys?) and now wants to help The Doc set off the nuke. “For the love of JJ, why?” exclaims Sawyer. Juliet explains that she, like well over 98% of the viewing audience, is just fed the fuck up with all the relationship melodrama. “If we blow up the nuke, that will end it, surely,” she says. But, alas, Sawyer knows better. And so, as Sayid continues to bleed out in the background, Sawyer, Juliet, The Doc and Kate all emote at one another in assorted combinations and with varying degrees of difficulty. Luckily, elsewhen, Locke has taken Ben in to see Jacob. But, wait, Lapidus and those kooky other passengers from Flight 316 have shown up with the dead body of Locke-in-a-box. Because, heck, it’s not a season finale until John Locke is dead and in a box somewhere, is it? Which means, of course, as any fool could see, that it’s not Locke in there with Ben and Jacob, but rather Jacob’s arch-enemy, the body-possessing, uh, Mr Terrible. He goads Ben into killing Jacob, who, hence, dies and is then hastily cremated to save on funeral expenses. This will presumably have huge ramifications, but we don’t get to see them, because Juliet gets her wish, and following a fun-filled shoot-out of the finest kind and some electromagnetic nonsense and Phil-skewering, she falls down a hole where she finally manages to set that freakin’ nuke off. Fade to white in a totally non-frustrating way.

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Jack (+65%) has been Lost‘s MVP (most valuable player). Miles (-98%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Locke (+34%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

Next: Season One? Season Nine? Season Pi? Surely it can’t be as simple as Season Six, can it?

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