Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

Buy on Amazon

Okay. When last we left the DC Universe, Darkseid had unleashed the Anti-Life Equation, which, like most mathematics, is able to destroy the minds and will of all those who oppose it. Fortunately, there are some superheroes left, fighting the forces of evil with their own combined brand of stoutheartedness and innumeracy. One of them, Ray (possibly Ray Charles) has brought the Tattooed Man to the Hall of Justice. Naturally, Green Arrow gives him grief. “Tattoos aren’t cool, son!” he says. “What if you get an infection?” Oliver Queen, enemy of Hepatitis B.

Luckily, Black Canary is there to set Ollie straight on the coolness or otherwise of tattoos. She contacts other remaining heroic forces around the world and a heated debate ensues. Apart from Mr Terrific (who thinks they’re talking about Herve Villechaize), everybody agrees that tattoos are, like, awesome (“Winona Forever!” shouts Black Adam, drunk as always). That problem resolved, they move onto more relevant issues, namely whether or not anybody’s come up with even a fragment of a plan for defeating Darkseid.

Sigh. Why is it that every time there's a final crisis, the big guns are away on holiday?

The Golden Age Green Lantern is forced to admit he hasn’t, but he has come up with a large, kickass computer screen that shows who, exactly, isn’t available to help in the fight. “Um, let’s see,” he says. “Batman, Superman, Green Lantern, another Superman, Flash, Dr Fate, another Green Lantern…” And on and on he goes until he totally bums everybody out. “We do still have Robin,” he says, but that cheers up nobody.

Eventually, Black Canary orders a) everybody in the Hall of Justice to teleport to the moon, b) a pair of Flashes to man-hug and trip dogs over with cables, c) Dan Turpin to be taken over by Darkseid’s soul and d) Ollie to do something typically moronic. “I’ll stay behind and allow myself to be captured and brainwashed into joining Darkseid’s army,” he declares. “Thank you, sweetie,” says Dinah, teleporting away before the last syllable is even out.

MVP: Darkseid. While Black Canary may have been impressed with Green Arrow’s self-sacrificing damn fool behaviour, the big man is less so, closing the issue with an emphatic thumbs down. “Summon forth a day of holocaust that will never end,” he declares. So, thanks a lot, Ollie.

Next Issue: Mr Terrific and Mr Miracle argue over who has the more unjustifiable sobriquet! PLUS, Supergirl and Mary Marvel fight for the fanboys!

Related Pages

If you hated this, you'll probably also hate:

1. Final Crisis: Issue Five – Into Oblivion - Onto the fifth issue (or ‘issue five’ as the traditionalists will insist upon calling it). We open with Hal Jordan on trial for killing a god. His accuser, an Alpha...
2. Final Crisis: Issue Three – Know Evil - This issue opens with the team-up for which everybody has been waiting! Namely, The All-New Question and The All-Original Frankenstein’s Monster. They’ve invaded the Dark Side club and found some...
3. Final Crisis: Issue Two – Ticket To Bludhaven - Onto the second issue of Final Crisis, which begins, without a lick of explanation, in Japan. Japan’s greatest superhero (Rising Sun) is laying down all kinds of verbal smack on...
4. Final Crisis: Issue Six – How To Murder The Earth - The penultimate issue and things ain’t looking good. We start with Brainiac Five showing Superman (who is apparently lazing around in the future, while everybody else is doing hard yards...
5. Final Crisis: Issue Seven – New Heaven, New Earth - Um, okay. Here goes. So we open with The President of the United States. Turns out he’s secretly Superman, because we’re actually on an alternate (aka parallel) Earth. (Or are...