Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O’Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.

We open in one of those irritating places full of car wrecks and acid rain. Lois and Sinead are trying to track down Super Blonde Hottie. As you probably don’t recall, she’s been hanging out in Detroit, without any kind of memory of the first half of this season. She so lucky! (Well, except for the Detroit bit, obviously. Ha ha ha! Hi Michiganites!)

As always, however, an attempt to find a blonde navel-flauntin’ teenage babe ends in a shoot-out. Some clown has locked SBH in a cage and when Lois tries to free her, he goes all ‘I’ve only locked you in a cage because I love your belly-button’ crazy. Sinead won’t put up with that – he’s cornered the market on obsession in this show and he’s damned if he’s going to give it up at this late stage. He shoots crazy dude, but crazy dude simultaneously shoots back.

Bang! Right in the temple of our favourite bald villain. Down he goes in slow motion, straight into both a puddle and the opening credits.

But despite a bullet right in the middle of his forehead and an ironclad determination to leave the show as soon as possible, it turns out Sinead’s not dead after all.

For somehow his body was discovered and, with Sinead clinging to life and ambulance people oblivious to the two women locked in a cage just behind them, Porthos gave the order for him to be, uh, flown to Smallville Hospital, which apparently now has the finest skull-bulletectomists in the world.

Luckily, when Porthos explains this incredibly ludicrous turn of events to Superlad and TIAC, they are so stunned by its implausibility that they can’t even think of a comment.

… even though the skull-bulletectomy was a complete success, Sinead is deliberately remaining in a coma until the writers go back on strike.

Porthos siezes the advantage and goes on to explain. “This quizzical premise for an episode is so severe that, even though the skull-bulletectomy was a complete success, Sinead is deliberately remaining in a coma until the writers go back on strike.”

“I’m so sorry,” says Superlad. Because he knows those greedy bastards will do no such thing. They’ve got their blood money – they ain’t ever going away now.

“We didn’t have a close relationship,” said Porthos, and it is at first unclear whether he’s talking about the writers or Sinead. “But, in many ways, I now regret all those times when I tried to kill Sinead myself.”

TIAC knows that’s just the shock talking. “Superlad,” she says. “I know for a fact that every badge in Michigan is on this case. But still there are no suspects, no witnesses.”

Because apparently still nobody has thought to ask the two girls locked in the cage just twenty or so metres from where the body was found. Those lazy Detroit cops are putting the Lazy Smallville Cops to shame.

Superlad has other concerns. “Wait,” he says. “They have badgers investigating crimes down there?? I have to see this.”

Before TIAC can correct him, Porthos hands over Lois’s phone. There is a picture of Sinead talking to SBH on there. “This was in Sinead’s pocket,” he says. “It’s still got fourteen minutes of credit on it.”

“Awesome,” says Superlad. He calls Senator Boring Old Ma, who puts him on hold.

Porthos wanders off to find a better show on which to flaunt his magnificent evil. TIAC turns to Superlad. “Why don’t I use my healing powers to cure Sinead?”

“Because they’re a poorly thought out addition to your character?” says Superlad.

“Prrfrrt,” says TIAC. “Look, sure, I almost die every time I use my power, but we have no choice. Lois and SBH are almost certainly locked in a cage somewhere and the only way we can help them is to bring Sinead back to life so he can tell us where he was when he was shot.”

“Can’t the ambulance officers or the police tell us that?” says Superlad. “Heck, Porthos probably knows.” He goes to run after him.

“There isn’t time to ask any of them!” says TIAC. “We have to use my powers to cure Sinead.”

“Well… all right, then,” says Superlad. Because, hell, why not?

We go to a commercial break and when we’ve returned, that entire plan has been abandoned. No explanation is offered as to why. Instead, we’re forced to watch as Lana pretends to use a computer. She turns a mouse upside down and uses her fingers to move the track ball around.

In between complaining about how jerky the cursor is, she also tells Superlad and TIAC about some new technology that Luthorcorp has been working on especially for this episode.

“It’s a device that allows one character to enter another character’s mind and encounter all kinds of amazing and insightful adventures for the greater part of 42 minutes (plus commercials),” says Lana. “However, in several cases, the mind interloper died.”

Superlad blanked out before the caveat. “I could go into Sinead’s mind and find out everything we need to know,” he decides.

Lana doesn’t like this one bit. “Superlad,” she says. “Your body may be invincible, but your mind is… well, your mind isn’t. You could die if you try this.”

“There’s no other choice,” says Superlad. Stubborn just for the sake of it now.

“What about what you were talking about in that earlier scene? Y’know, asking the cops, ambulance officers or Porthos where they found Sinead’s body? Or getting TIAC to just heal Sinead and asking him?”

“No. Other. Choice,” says Superlad.

Porthos agrees. He saunters on in, past a table where Sinead’s comatose body is conveniently strapped in. “Ladies, would you step outside please,” he says.

“I’m not a lady,” says Superlad. He turns to the girls and makes the cuckoo motion with his finger.

“Then let’s strap you into the machine,” says Porthos.

And he does. He explains how there’s a red door in Sinead’s brain, implanted there during experimental surgery during his Season Three stint in the insane asylum. “That’s your escape route,” says Porthos. “The only link between Sinead’s mind and what I laughingly call ‘reality’.” He taps on one of the sets and gives a thumbs up to a passing props person.

Superlad ignores him and enters Sinead’s mind. It’s pretty much as you’d expect. Sinead running around in his splendid white suit, cackling like a lunatic, shagging hot brunettes, performing detailed hair recovery lab experiments.

Superlad swiftly tracks down the memory of the time Sinead found SBH working in a Detroit diner.

“I’m starting to see you in here more than some of my regulars,” says SBH, pouring him some coffee juice.

“Well, wouldn’t that make me a regular?” says Sinead, dazzling these simple folk with his big city wit. “Besides, your pie is the second best I’ve ever had.”

“Second best, huh?” says SBH.

“Sure,” says Sinead. And he pulls out his Luthor Pie Charts, with detailed rankings of every piece of pie he’s ever eaten. SBH immediately takes an unscheduled break from her job to allow Sinead to flirt shamelessly with her. “These are pie charts, but they’re not pie charts,” he says, pulling out his best Microsoft Excel™ material.

SBH giggles a little too enthusiastically.

This memory is interrupted by White-Suited Sinead trying to throttle Superlad. This in turn is interrupted by Lil’ Sinead Luthor hitting White-Suited Sinead with a convenient mental crowbar. “Come on,” says Lil’ Sinead Luthor, and he leads Superlad through Sinead’s mind to a safe place.

“I’m looking for two women!” says Superlad.

He does all the nasty stuff with pairs of women over the other side of his mind.

“Can’t help you there,” says Lil’ Sinead. “I’m the good side of Sinead. He does all the nasty stuff with pairs of women over the other side of his mind.”

And so we continue on in that vein for what seems forever. Superlad tries to track down relevant recent memories, instead stumbles into, whatchacallit, heart-rending memories of Sinead’s imperfect upbringing. White-Suited Sinead shows up and tries to kill him with soft porn memories of Lana. Lil’ Sinead runs around being an annoying little goodie two-shoes urchin. White-Suited Sinead tries to kill Lil’ Sinead. Superlad saves him and then promises that, now he knows Sinead’s good side is still in there, he’ll never, I don’t know, make fun of hair loss again. Or some damn thing. I blanked out well before that bit.

Eventually, out in the real world, Sinead, too, has had enough of all this idiocy and decides to up and die.

“If Sinead dies,” decrees Porthos. “Superlad will die with him.”

That’s enough for TIAC. There’s no way she’s being left on this show by herself next season. She rushes in, does what she wanted to do since the beginning of the episode and heals the criminy out of Sinead.

If none of this was ridiculous enough, it now turns out that everything that transpired in this episode – Sinead’s shooting, his being found by ambulance officers, his transfer across states to Smallville, Superlad’s decision to use this mind-invadin’ technology, Porthos’s preparation for it and then Superlad’s interminable wandering around in there – all that took place in the time it took our friend Shooty McShooterson to duck out to an ATM.

Because by the time Superlad gets to Detroit, McShooterson’s only just returning from picking up some cash. Lois and SBH have just broken out of their cage. Shooty McShooterson, declaring himself to be ‘totally rational’ then decides to shoot them both.

Superlad arrives. He pushes his way through the hordes of detectives and CSI: Detroit investigating badgers. “Excuse me,” he says. “Just trying to get through to the gun-wielding madman up ahead. Excuse me. Coming through.” Etcetera. Eventually, sick of the crowd of cops, he just pushes some cars onto McShooterson and then runs back to Smallville, anxious to be done with this stupid episode.

There’s a few closing scenes first, however. Porthos and Sinead have one of their trademark Luthor conversations, with Porthos pulling out some of his finer untruths. “You were saved by Green Arrow’s healing serum,” he tells Sinead. “Oh sure,” he says. “It was all destroyed – or so you thought – but I saved one vial for myself. Which I gave to you because I love you.”

Sinead has no idea how to react to the sheer absurdity of any of those lies. He instead stalks off to the mansion to pout – only eight more episodes and he’s out of here.

Superlad shows up at the mansion to tell Sinead he knows there’s a good little boy inside him. “You have no evidence of that!!” says Sinead and has him thrown out. He then summons SBH and tells her that together they’ll recover her memory, ‘even if it means we discover that you’re from an alien planet and have all manner of superpowers and abilities’.

“Hee!” says SBH. “Pie charts!”

And that’s where we end it. I hesitate to call this the most ridiculous Smallville ever, because, Rao knows, there have been some stupid goings-on in the past. But it’s surely in the Top Five. Excellent stuff. More, please!

Next time: Three words: Good Ol’ Pete.

Discuss this episode at KryptonSite

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