Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

Buy on Amazon

Allrightey then. This is Final Crisis, which, according to DC’s lies will be the last Crisis-related crossover up with which we shall ever have to put. Well, let’s just see about that, shall we? (Note: This is a Morrison-penned comic so you know what you’re in for going in, people – lots of cool, crazy stuff that won’t make a lick of sense to anybody but Herr Morrison himself. But if we were going to let that put us off, what kind of comic book readers would we be? The kind that reads The Teen Titans, that’s who. So buck up, Nightwing fanboys. You’re in this whether you like it or not.)

We begin with a cave boy (Anthro The Cave Boy, for the record, because even though it’s prehistoric times, historical records are still important and damn the paradoxes!) being given the gift of fire, by New God Metron, who apparently isn’t as new as we’ve been led to believe. Certainly, he’s older than John McCain and that’s impressive, no? But before we can get bogged down in ageist debates, we’re back in the modern day DC Universe, with Dan ‘Terrible’ Turpin discovering the dying body of Orion, yet another ‘New’ God. Upon hearing Turpin’s nickname, Orion promptly dies of embarrassment. This, in turn, prompts a couple of drunken Green Lanterns (Stewart and Jordan, naturally) to go off the deep end, declare a ’1011′ (‘Deicide in the Opening Pages of a Morrison Comic Book’) and seal off Earth until somebody can look into it. Or, at the very least, bring them another sixpack.

M'yri'ah = 'Dude, you just stabbed me to death' (Martian-English translation courtesy of Google)

Meanwhile (also ‘elsewhere’), some newcomer called ‘Libra’ is trying to take over the Secret Society of Super-Villains. Luthor, Sivana, Grodd, et al can barely control their smirks. “Dude,” says Luthor. “You’re named after a pair of scales? How fearsome can you possibly be?” So Libra stabs the Martian Manhunter to death. “Engh,” says Luthor, looking up from his manicure. “I could have done that. Y’know, if I’d wanted to.” “Nuh-uh!” says Libra. “Uhhh… yeah,” says Luthor. “I don’t think so.” “Neither do I, I know so.” And so on and so forth.

Watching all this from some kind of omnilogical vantage point are the Multiversal Monitors. They sense something’s up so they, uh, start falling in love with one another and then indulging in self-flagellation (in a family comic book, no less!). Not sure what’s going on there, to be frank. But it’s followed by a scene of Kamandi (The Last Boy On Earth) confronting Anthro from the opening pages beneath a destroyed Statue of Liberty, so that’s a good enough distraction, surely. Kamandi tells Anthro that he was given a weapon from the gods and ‘we need it now’. To which, Anthro responds ‘ggrrhdnk’. Because, y’know, even in a Morrison book, he’s still a freakin’ Neanderthal.

MVP: Green Arrow. Upon hearing of J’onn’s death, he explodes, telling a television reporter that ‘Whoever did this to J’onn will suffer! You hear me? Will suffer!’ Because, yeah, of the superhero community, the wrath of Oliver Queen is the one you should be worried about.

Next Issue: The funeral of everybody’s favourite dead Martian. PLUS, Bats is disrespected!

Related Pages

If you hated this, you'll probably also hate:

1. Final Crisis: Issue Two – Ticket To Bludhaven - Onto the second issue of Final Crisis, which begins, without a lick of explanation, in Japan. Japan’s greatest superhero (Rising Sun) is laying down all kinds of verbal smack on...
2. Final Crisis: Issue Three – Know Evil - This issue opens with the team-up for which everybody has been waiting! Namely, The All-New Question and The All-Original Frankenstein’s Monster. They’ve invaded the Dark Side club and found some...
3. Final Crisis: Issue Five – Into Oblivion - Onto the fifth issue (or ‘issue five’ as the traditionalists will insist upon calling it). We open with Hal Jordan on trial for killing a god. His accuser, an Alpha...
4. Final Crisis: Issue Six – How To Murder The Earth - The penultimate issue and things ain’t looking good. We start with Brainiac Five showing Superman (who is apparently lazing around in the future, while everybody else is doing hard yards...
5. Final Crisis: Issue Seven – New Heaven, New Earth - Um, okay. Here goes. So we open with The President of the United States. Turns out he’s secretly Superman, because we’re actually on an alternate (aka parallel) Earth. (Or are...