Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

Buy on Amazon

As Wikipedia correctly reports, Charlene’s smash hit single I’ve Never Been To Me was released twice (1976 and 1982), only becoming a hit on the second occasion. What Wikipedia doesn’t state is that the original version contained very different lyrics, being the bizarre lament of a Dungeons and Dragons™ player who ‘rolled two pair o’dice, but never rolled a three’.

Despite the popularity of D&D™ in the late ’70s and the mad illogicality of the PC’s complaint (a 3 from a 4d6?!), the original version never took off. When Charlene sat down to rewrite the song for a generation less enthused by the Monster Manual™, she discarded most of the original lyrics, including all references to cursed armour, wandering monsters and saving throws. She did, however, strive to keep the lyrics as clinically insane as possible, succeeding beyond her wildest expectorations and securing herself a worldwide smash hit with a song about an advice-offering, repentant, childless trollop.

Note: role-playing game enthusisasts yearning for pop music acclaim had to wait until INXS released their 1985 single Listen Like (8th Level or Higher) Thieves, which highlighted (among other things) the useful nature of the ‘Pick Locks’ ability.

Related Pages

If you hated this, you'll probably also hate:

1. Sir Elton John - Consider the lyrics to the chorus of the smash hit single Circle of Life performed by Mr Elton John, lyrics Tim Rice: In the Circle of Life It’s the wheel...
2. Cake - I think what I like most about Cake’s smash hit single Short Skirt, Long Jacket is that those wacky Cakesters have eschewed normal creative paths and saved critical recording time...
3. Simon And Garfunkel - “Laughing on the bus Playing games with The Faces” These lyrics flag a dramatic change in the musical tone of Simon and Garfunkel’s smash hit single America as it moves...
4. Billy Joel (again) - There are many questions raised by the lyrics of Billy Joel’s breakthrough smash single Piano Man. What, for example, is a real estate novel? What kind of bar permits elderly...
5. Rod Stewart - In the song Maggie May (performed with rare genius by the unique creation that is Mr Rodforth Stewart), the lyrics at one point go like this: ‘The morning sun when...