Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

Of all the astonishing animals that Africa has to offer, the wildebeest is perhaps the strangest. Or perhaps not. To clarify the matter would require some kind of definitive scientific measure of ’strangeness’, a task that seems to be off the radar of most of our leading scientists and sporting stars.

However, if some kind of rudimentary Bizarrometer were to be invented by, say, Apple™ or swimming sensation Michael Phelps, then it would surely be calibrated with the aid of a wildebeest. Consider the facts as we understand them. These herbivorous ungulates were first invented by renowned society wit Oscar Wilde in 1895, during his time in prison, as part of a 19th Century Imaginary Menagerie Program for inmates. As originally envisioned by Wilde, the Wildebeast (the ‘a’ was later changed to an ‘e’ to save on printing costs) was the most dashing creature of the African plains, always immaculately attired, and prone to sprouting clever aphorisms that made the zebras’ cringeworthy puns look hopelessly heavy-handed in comparison.

Back from the future - the wildebeest!

Unfortunately, before the fictional creatures could capture the imagination of the general public, the Imaginary Menagerie Program was terminated and details of the invented fauna were ordered to be buried in a ‘large purple pot’ for ‘750 years or so’. The details of this decision have never been made public, but it is rumoured that Queen Victoria had been overcome with visions of Jack the Kipper, and reacted accordingly.

Modern scientists surmise that in 2650, the purple pot will be recovered and, overcome with the creative brilliance of Oscar’s wildebeest, biologists of that era will use their future genetic engineering science to make his vision a reality. However, for reasons that are yet to be explained, the future scientists will create the prototype wildebeests using tachyons – subatomic particles that travel backwards in time.

This latest scientific hypothesis on the origin of the wildebeest has been put forth as the only reasonable explanation for certain otherwise inexplicable facts. For one thing, it explain why the mitochondrial DNA of the wildebeest reveals it as a creature that has evolved in reverse, losing its renowned wit and sartorial elegance over time, until it is now just a funny-sounding, butt-ugly, donkey-looking thing. It also explains how the wildebeest can undertake weeks-long migrations of the Serengeti that literally end before they begin. Finally, it clarifies why wildebeest DNA contains encrypted blueprints from the future on how best to build a Michael Phelps Bizarrometer™.

What it doesn’t explain, however, is why a Michael Phelps Bizarrometer™ built from those self-same blueprints steadfastly records the wildebeest as being ‘wholly free of strangeness’.

And that, my friends, is the strangest fact of them all.

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