Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

Urban enjoys dinner with ice bride

Keith Urban’s battle with the bottle has been an open secret in certain circles for some time now. Ever since he attempted to exchange wedding vows with one of the specially commissioned garden ice sculptures back in June, rumours have spread about his unfortunate alcohol problems.

Most guests were originally prepared to explain away the gaff as a combination of wedding day jitters and wife Nicole Kidman’s legendary lack of human warmth. But when he chipped off his prospective bride’s arm so he could have his scotch ‘on the rocks’, tongues began to wag. In addition, pre-marital nerves failed to explain why Urban was wandering around wearing only a cowboy hat, nor why he’d nailed human tongues to the tails of the dogs in the first place.

Urban’s AA sponsor, Mr Hugh Jackman, agreed to break all kinds of confidentiality oaths to further clarify the situation in exchange for not referring to him as ‘Wolverine’. According to Jackman, the source of Urban’s alcoholism can only ‘partially’ be blamed on his wife slowly morphing into something from mankind’s most primeval nightmares.

Wolverine went on to reveal that Urban, in fact, lays most of the blame for his addiction at the feet of 1) talentless newspaper subeditors who insist on making pun ‘Urban’ headlines, 2) a deep-seated loathing of country music and 3) (and less explicably) Ron ‘Horshack’ Palillo.