Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

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“Master Qui-Gon, what are midichlorians?” With that one simple question in Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace, young Anakin Skywalker summoned forth an overwhelming wave of fury from Star Wars enthusiasts the galaxy over.

“Why do we need this biological notion of ‘midichlorians’?” the geeks cried. “There is no need to conduct a blood test to determine whether somebody is strong in The Force! It was established in the original trilogy that pretty much whenever somebody strong in the Force wanders into the room, every Jedi thereabouts feels their presence. This blood testing for the Force is ridiculous and unnecessary at best. I hate you George Lucas!! You have vomited all over my childhood. When is the DVD release?”

But there is a simple answer for these tantrum-throwing fanatics. You need an objective blood test to prevent disputes between some of the bitchier Jedis. “I’m telling you Yoda, the Force is strong in this one.” “I fear by her killer rack you have been misled, Master Windu.” “Shut the f**k up, you motherf*cker hobgoblin! I say she’s got Force all over her damn body!”

And so forth. Midichlorians. Preventing Jedi squabbles for countless millennia.

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