Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

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Super-secret Smallville spoilers for Season Six:

1. The programming for Kristin Kreuk’s CGI will break down, which will leave Lana only able to display three (3) separate emotional states (happiness, sadness, toothache). Critics will acclaim this expanded range as the highlight of the season.
2. Lois will continue rounding out her curriculum vitae with brief careers as a stonemason, a rabbi, an ophthalmologist and an inexplicable stint as Special Advisor to the President on Killer Racks. She will be forced to strip down to her underwear at least once for each role.
3. Sinead will discover Superlad’s powers several times during the season, but will lose his memory of them in increasingly implausible ways (twice from a blow to the head, thrice from kryptonite side-effects, once from a possession by Deadman (special guest star Andrew Shue) and once from an overdose of Gingold Juice).
4. Bo will continue to be dead. This will not prevent him from making guest appearances in over thirteen (13) separate episodes.
5. TIAC will continue to throw herself (often literally) at Superlad’s body, despite his pectoral stonewalling.
6. In an episode directed by Tom Welling, Superlad will discover Bo’s detailed ‘secret identity’ notes in a shoebox under the bed, but will dismiss the glasses as making him look ‘like a total spaz’. In an extended Powerpoint presentation directed straight to the camera, Welling will then lecture unenlightened viewers about the importance of not hiding ‘killer cheekbones’.
7. SS Zod and Spike-iac will unleash an all-new reign of evil in a special double episode by opening a Phantom Zone theme park and charging heinous admission prices and severe snack food mark-up.
8. Senator Boring Old Ma and Porthos will eventually succumb to their all-pervading animal lust for one another and indulge in frantic, sweaty karaoke evenings (featured song: I Got You Babe).
9. Oliver ‘Green Arrow’ Queen will show up in a six (6) episode arc, desperate to form the Justice League of America. Superlad will poo-poo the idea, mainly due to GA’s proposed starting line-up: Vibe, Ma Hunkel (Joshua Jackson), Space Cabbie and Shade The Changing Man.
10. The SS Jor-El will yet again completely fuck things up for everybody in the season finale.

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