Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

Rhinos… of all the animals Elmer Fudd would pronounce as ‘wino’, the rhino is the one that most resembles a tank. And, just like a drunkard behind the wheel of a Panzerkampfwagen, the rhino is not a creature easily ignored.

Rhinos are immense mammals (a ‘mammal’ is an animal that suckles its young: Kate Hudson is a mammal) weighing up to one tonne and standing several metres long. Their most prominent feature is their giant horn, which is inexplicably (yet thrillingly!) made of hair. Biologists disagree on whose hair it is, but some recent studies seem to suggest it is most likely the lost hair of Bruce Willis.

Local box factory worker Brian Smithson

The hair of Bruce Willis has for centuries been considered an aphrodisiac and for this reason, the rhino has been hunted to the very brink of extinction. These days, the rhino is a protected species and is commonly shunted from town to town under the FBI witness protection program, taking on odd jobs in packing factories and fashion design. To help disguise its identity, the rhino often takes on its longer name of ‘rhinoceros’, but only when trying to settle into a Greek community. These rhinoceroses can generally be found running the local kebab shop.

There are two main ‘types’ (or ‘kinds’) of rhino – the ‘black’ rhino and ‘the’ white rhino. While modern biologists have officially abandoned the discriminatory practices of the apartheid era since Mandela’s release and Equal Ungulate Decree, black rhinos still remain many times more likely to have inadequate education, limited job prospects and access to wines of only very poor vintage. By contrast, the white rhino continues to wield vast political power and wealth. It is perhaps telling that of all the rhinoceroses in charge of major US corporations, 95% are white rhinos. While many pundits tip this state of affairs to slowly rectify itself, just as many tipsters are punding otherwise.

In addition to their very poor racial record, rhinoceroses also have very poor eyesight. Despite this, few opt to wear corrective spectacles, perhaps fearing that it will make them look ‘nerdy’ or ‘uncool’. ‘Boys don’t make passes at rhinos who wear glasses’ is a saying that seems to have embedded itself firmly into the collective consciousness of the rhinoceros community, despite the fact this saying may well have just been invented for this report. Some optometrists have suggested the notorious poor vision of the rhinoceros could be corrected by contact lenses, or perhaps even laser surgery. Most of these optometrists were, however, killed in the attempt.

So remember to pay close attention the next time you bump into a visually impaired kebab-shop-owning racist wino driving around in a tank. Because you may just have met… a rhinoceros.

Or, indeed, my Uncle Con.

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