Dan Liebke’s Astonishing Tales

Father Eko
AKA

Eko
Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje

Strengths

Big and strong
Not scared of The Monster
Experienced drug-smuggler

Weaknesses

Enormous man nipples
Prone to vows of silence

Highlight

Smacking Sawyer on the head with his bashing prayer-stick

Lowlight

Being killed by The Monster.

It’s a morning like any other for Porthos. He’s out in the limo, brokering deals, dismissing henchmen, growing his hair and having an attempt made on his life.
This morning, the latter has come in the form of a remotely controlled car-locking and stopping procedure on Ye Olde Smallville Train Tracks. In order for the doors to be unlocked, Porthos [...]

Fun fact time: Did you know early drafts of smash hit television show Desperate Housewives were originally set in a Wisteria Lane birthing clinic!? Originally titled Desperate Midwives, it wasn’t until the very latest drafts of the pilot that the producers made the ultimately wise decision to boost the sexy melodrama and cut back on the placental [...]

We’ve seen little girls on Smallville before and, of course, the monitoring technicians of France’s renowned Institut de Smallville immediately decreed those episodes ‘desordre ridicule’ (’a ridiculous shambles’). Despite this, the writers have opted to get back on the little girl horse and try again.
They have fared no better this time around, with a main [...]

Dear Dr Dan,
Why does the phone always ring when you’re in the bathtub?
– Dripping on Carpet
Dear Dripping on Carpet,
Hmmm… alternatively, why are you alwaysin the bathtub when the phone rings? Perhapsbecause they’re dirty phone calls?Shame on you, Dripping on Carpet and your telephonic sex-talk. Shame. On. You.

At least 3 to 6 times a week I have youngsters approach me, fascinated by the music of the 1980s, yet baffled by some of its subtler nuances. Invariably, most of their confusion will arise from megagroup Dire Straits. So let’s just set things straight once and for all.
Firstly, if you do a Google search you will discover over half [...]

Okay, so Lana’s reacted to last episode’s dumping in the usual way. That is, she’s gone off to a creepy medical student to have herself injected with Kryptonite ‘I see dead people’ Juice so she can have a chinwag with her dead parents about how ‘totally bogus’ Superlad is.
“You’re so pretty,” say her dead parents, before Lana is dragged, smiling, back [...]

What in spotted blazes is going on with the film 102 Dalmations? Now, I’m no Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences-Sanctioned Studio Sequel Supervisor and Facilitator. My skills lie in other areas (money-laundering and the backgammon end game, thanks for asking). But I would’ve thought somebody might have thought through this sequel a little [...]

Giraffes… tallest of all animals, yet notoriously poor basketball players. Horn-headed, yet anointed by Pope Benedict The Giraffe-Lover as the ‘least Hellbound’ of all God’s creatures. Fans of U2, yet dismissive of The Joshua Tree album. Is there any animal more paradoxical than the giraffe (Venezualan Paradox Beetle notwithstanding)?
The male giraffe has an average height of [...]

In which the most devastating computer virus in history is unleashed, Kitty uncreates the universe and recursion wields its usual nefarious influence

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