Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

Lions… Rightly known as the king of beasts, for just as rock and roll was dominated by Elvis Presley, the King of Rock and Roll, so too do lions dominate their peers. However, they do so in a substantially different way. Elvis, for example, never made a habit of slaughtering and consuming his contemporaries, although perhaps this was only because he was denied the opportunity. He may, for example, have relished chowing down on Little Richard, Jerry Lee Lewis or a roast peanut-flavoured Buddy Holly. Tragically, we will never know.

Hmmm… I'm feeling peckish for some Who

There is little doubt however that, given the chance, a lion would chow down on the pioneers of rock and roll. Or, indeed, anybody else who got in its way. Lions are carnivorous and almost all pop singers have bodies formed from meaty flesh, just begging to be torn apart by a hungry or apathetic lion. Even Robert Plant, whose name suggests that he is constructed primarily from vegetable matter, would represent a tempting target for a herd of lions.

Lions congregate in herds that are not called ‘herds’. They are called ‘prides’, from the Latin meaning ‘herd’. Lion herds consist of one or more family units and are led by a male who is invariably three-dimensional. While the three-dimensionality criterion may seem limiting, biologists are at pains to point out this standard in no way inhibits the choice of leader, as even the largest of lions dwell solely inside our traditional space-time continuum, obeying the fundamental laws of Physics. It is for this reason some wildlife experts have dubbed the lion ‘Ol’ 3D Cat’, although these wildlife experts remain in the substantial minority.

One of the reasons why lions congregate in herds is because it enables them to form impressive acrobatic troupes with which they entertain tourists. Just as importantly, however, the herds make it easier for the lions to hunt their prey. Lions have large heads, powerful jaws and long, muscular bodies. They can range anywhere from 1 to 3 feet long, although this does not include the tail. Or head. Or middle bits of the body. Once these factors are included, a lion can be anything from 7 to 9 feet long and weigh anywhere from 150 to 250 kg which is roughly the size of four large dogs or ten medium sized cats or four hundred cows tinier than you have ever seen. When hunting their prey, lions can attain a top speed of over 200 kilometres an hour but this is only when one places them in a Formula One racing car, which has never been done, thanks to the close-minded bigotry of Bernie ‘No Big Cats’ Ecclestone. Without the assistance of these pinnacles of motor engineering, a lion’s top speed is restricted to 50 to 60 kilometres an hour, still fast enough to catch antelope, gazelles or all but the wiliest of rock musicians.

Yes, the battle between the king of beasts and the popular music industry has been long and bloody and chart-topping. Where will this struggle end? Only a fool would try to predict such a thing, and given the foolish nature of fools they might well predict it ending in, say, a large space battle above the alien planet Dantooine. Which, according to the latest Las Vegas odds, is only a 120 to 1 shot. And you can get better odds than that on Elvis winning the next Formula One title.

Crazy, but true.

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