Know Your Smallville Cast
Okay, here’s your quick guide to the dangerous-drivin’ denizens of Smallville.
Main Characters
Superlad
NAME(S): Clark, Superlad
NOTES: A super-powered young chappie with something quite super indeed in his pants for, initially, Lana and then later Lois. A tad moody and tends to blame himself for the asteroid storm that started this entire mess. He eventually got over that or, if he didn’t, it was eventually submerged by his self-blame for the deaths of his father and Jimmy-James Olsen, as well as the absence of both the Luthors and his super-blonde hot cousin, Kara (SBH). On the plus side, he was also instrumental in getting rid of both Lana and Good Ol’ Pete, so chin up, Superlad. It all evens out.
KEY WORD: Super
Lana
NAME(S): Lana
NOTES: Cute cheerleader type who collects idiot football players for boyfriends. Inexplicably treasured the kryptonite necklace that contains the remains of the meteorite that killed her parents. Grew more and more tedious and annoying with every episode until finally became the most hated person on television ever. Eventually had her brains destroyed by the metallic fingertips of Professor Milton ‘Spike-iac’ Fine. What an awesome shot he must have been!
KEY WORD: Pom-poms
Sinead
NAME(S): Lex Luthor, Sinead
NOTES: Rich, conniving and bald with just the faintest hint of evil underlying his every action. Is there any wonder that he reminds us so much of early 90s songstress Sinead O’Connor. Oh Lex, nothing compares 2U
KEY WORD: Sly
Other Characters
PA ‘BO’ KENT: Superlad’s dad. Bears a grudge against Sinead’s dad (Porthos Luthor), simply because Porthos had the good business sense to corner the Smallville Fertilizer Market. Also inspired the town’s insane driving tendencies with his antics as Bo Duke on The Dukes of Hazzard. Killed in a barn fistfight with Porthos as part of the hundredth episode celebrations.
BORING OLD MA KENT: Has done nothing at all of interest yet. Thought about it for a while in Season Two, but then faded away again in later seasons… Eventually became the Senator of Kansas as a rather extreme way to exit the show
THE INCREASINGLY ANNOYING CHLOE (TIAC): Some silly, annoying girl who secretly yearns for Superlad’s super bod. Seems to know an awful lot about each week’s script. In later seasons, developed the most useless superpower of them all – namely, a romance with Jimmy-James Olsen
GOOD OL’ PETE: Almost as boring as Boring Old Ma Kent. But not quite. Compensates for his tedium with thrilling use of home made street slang. Eventually left the show in a geyser of tears at the end of Season Three.
PORTHOS LUTHOR: Sinead’s father. By far the funniest person on the show, what with his evilness and all. Was eventually pushed out of a skyscraper window at the end of Season Seven. Awesome!
WHIT: Lana’s idiot football player boyfriend during the first season. Possibly the reincarnation of Australia left-arm fast bowling cricket champion Mike Whitney. Possibly not also. Eventually blew up playing football for the army in the jungles of Vietnam.
DR TOTALBABE: Sinead’s bride and doctor to the Kryptonian Kiddie during Season Two. A combination designed purely to test the Hippocratic Oath. Tragically took on the Luthors one too many times. Being a total babe will only get you so far.
LOIS: The highlight of Season Four was the emergence of Lois Lane and her impressive norgs. Lois can’t act and has only vaguely passable chemistry with Superlad. Still, she fills out a singlet (aka tank top) with remarkable accuracy and that’s enough to justify her existence on the show.
DR QUINN: The reincarnation of a woman who burnt one of Lana’s ancestors at the stake. Sigh. Yes. Seriously.
JIMMY-JAMES OLSEN: The least cool person on the show. In fact, so uncool that he dates TIAC. Although he cunningly got himself killed rather than marry her, so he’s not the total fool.
GREEN ARROW: In a bizarre defiance of DC Universe protocol, the Smallville version of Mr Oliver Queen (aka Green Arrow) is buff, interesting and the founder of the JLA. Obviously, that’s deeply troubling indeed.
SUPER-BLONDE HOTTIE: Superlad’s blonde nymphette of a cousin showed up during the seventh season for some high-falutin’ navel-showin’ work. One can only assume she did other things as well, but the bare midriff proved too distracting for this all-too-human chronicler.
LITTLE MISS LUTHOR: When Sinead left the show at the end of Season Seven, Luthorcorp bylaws dictate that he be replaced by the hottest chick in his employment. Enter Tess, aka Little Miss Luthor.
THE SS JOR-EL: Superlad’s Kryptonian father in (firstly) spaceship form and then, later, just a disembodied voice at the Fortress of Solitude. The SS Jor-El’s primary function is to completely fuck things up in each and every season finale. Go, SS Jor-El, go!
Related Pages
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Posted: March 27th, 2006 under smallville.
Tags: bare midriffs, cheerleader types, defiance., fertilizer markets, street slang, tedium
8 Comments (including Trackbacks, Pingbacks, Razorbacks and, uh, Nickelback)
Trackbacks/Pingbacks
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[...] Jor-El, became an integral part of the cast – so much so that one is almost tempted to place it in the cast list. It flies around on its own, righting wrongs and wronging rights. It lands in cornfields, it wails [...]
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[...] these fake testimonials from the Smallville cast. This episode guide is guaranteed not to give you kryptonite poisoning – Kristin Kreuk (Lana) [...]
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[...] credit sequences can be tricky beasts. Ostensibly a simple exercise in introducing the cast, a good opening credit sequence should be so much more. It should set the tone for the show, [...]
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[...] with the style and panache of a Boeing 747. And lo, the green kryptonite (originally known to the cast as ‘meteor rocks’) began to serve other functions. Sure, it still made the sole [...]
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[...] Get your scorecard or be lost forever. If you don’t know who TIAC is, then you’d better look in here [...]
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[...] the first. Not so many monsters this time around, but much more scheming from the flowing locks of Porthos. Watch in awe and amazement as Sinead and Porthos take complete control of the show. We bid a [...]
'Lois'/Erica Durance is a fine actress. Not as good as the other Lois Lanes, but she can act.
You're probably right. I was generally far too distracted by her other assets to notice such things. Yet another reason to pay little to no attention to anything I say.