Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

I see now that as part of the inevitable publicity campaign for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Nestle are offering golden tickets* in their Willie Wonka chocolate bars that will entitle the lucky recipient to replicate the film and tour the UK Nestle chocolate factory.

Now, I’ve been to this factory, so I say ‘kudos, Nestle’ for your stance on this issue. It is about time somebody force-fed modern pre-teens a dose of much-needed reality. A chocolate factory is a working environment, people! It is no place for a chocolate river – a clear-cut waste of resources and poor return on investment, as well as a bitch to clean. Furthermore, disgruntled ‘Oompa-Loompas’ skulking around, unchecked, kidnapping people to satiate their bloodthirsty urges is a violation of every employee code of conduct in Western Society (exception: Norway). No, even though Nestle are only hammering the gritty** reality to a small number of Depp-addled children, it is a step in a direction that I would not hesitate to designate as ‘right’.

But why stop there? Let’s continue to yank the modern child out of the Dahlian dreamworld in which they currently reside. Foxes? Never use the formal ‘Mr’ – I don’t care how fantastic they are. And while giants may indeed be big, they are never friendly. That really tall guy in the Guinness Book of Records? Renowned for slighting people he’d only just met.

* not real gold

** Nestle factory does not contain grit

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