Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

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Super-secret Smallville spoilers for Season Five:

1. Lana will be replaced by a cardboard cutout. Whenever she is called upon to move to a new location one of the other characters will carry her there under their arms and prop her up in a corner!
2. More characters from the DC Universe will appear, including Merv Pumpkinhead (Doug Savant) and Tenzil Kem, The Matter-Eater Lad!
3. Superlad will be infected by beige kryptonite, causing him to behave in an irrational fashion, spruiking disco music and adopting an afro – special guest star Gloria Gaynor!!
4. TIAC will forget about Superlad’s secret again, then rediscover it, then split in two, with one version remembering it, one forgetting it, then switch bodies with Lionel, Boring Old Ma and the Ghost of Teleporter Chick. By the time she returns to her own, singlified body she will not even remember that Sinead is bald, let alone any nonsense about superpowers!!
5. Lois will be involved in wet T-shirt competitions in five separate, non-consecutive episodes. These will be the highest rating episodes of the season!
6. Porthos’s hair will continue to grow until he becomes the All New Shaggy Man. This will later be revealed as a) a side effect of kryptonite and b) a superbly Machiavellian way to bum Sinead out!
7. Bo will continue to fret about secret identities and in one episode will adopt one of his own (Bo Kent Man) to show Superlad how it’s done!!
8. Boring Old Ma will have a nine-episode arc where she reorganises the upper shelf in the kitchen. In a staggering twist, the dill will be placed at the back!
9. Sinead will meet with a personal wardrobe consultant (a hot brunette) who will introduce him to the notion of a purple and green battlesuit!!
10. The SS Jor-El will again completely fuck things up for everybody in the season finale!!!

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