Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

With Valentine’s Day just gone, it got me thinking (not surprisingly) of all the things that I really hate about the world. So, I decided to create a list. My original list only had one item (Stupid people) but I decided that I should be more specific. So, here it is:

10. People that are drunk when I’m not (and vice versa) – There’s nothing more frustrating then arriving late to a party to discover that everybody else is about 2 hours ahead of you in the drinking stakes. The differences between what a sober person finds funny and what a drunk person finds funny are mind boggling. For example, when I’m drunk the idea of holding someone down and giving them a tea-bag seems like the height of hilarity but to my sober friend who gets the brunt of my comedic genius (in this case my wife), the humour is lost and I spend the next three nights sleeping on the couch. But I digress.

9. People who are unable to use an ATM – Now this one really fries my beans. If it takes you more than 15 seconds to complete your ATM transaction then you’ve got no business being there quite frankly. Some things you can do to bring down your time include: knowing your pin; having a think about how much money you may need before the ATM asks you that question; not holding a conversation whilst using the ATM; not reading your statement (or a book) whilst still standing in front of the ATM after completing your transaction. In my opinion banks should have classes and hold time trials before giving somebody an ATM card.

8. People who don’t know how to use indicators – They’re not really all that difficult. They’re the flashing lights on the side of your car!!!!! Helps the other people know what the hell you’re doing. I swear, in the state I live in, which shall remain nameless (let’s just call it Queensland) people are completely oblivious to the existence of indicators. In a spot survey done recently, 89% of people that live in my state (let’s call them Queenslanders) had no idea what an indicator even was let alone how to deploy one when making a turn. OK, I may have made that survey up, but it still makes a valid point.

7. Anybody who is on the road when I’m driving a car – As George Carlin may have said: If you’re going slower than me you’re a half-wit, if you’re going faster than me you’re a bloody maniac. It’s as simple as that.

6. Anybody that sits next to me on the bus – I take the time to find myself a seat and some inconsiderate sod then feels as though they have the right to sit next to me. My opinions on this have dulled somewhat though. I can now sort of accept somebody sitting next to me. What I can’t tolerate though are the people that cross the invisible line down the middle of the seat and violate my space or people that refuse to move to empty seats when they become available. That’s when I get cranky. I have been known to slap people in this situation.

5. Offensive Body Odour – There are few things worse in the world then having to be near somebody with really offensive body odour. The kind of eye-watering, nasal-hair burning stench that makes you gag. The only thing worse is when they sit next to me on the bus.

4. People who don’t wash their hands after going to the toilet – I mean really, if you’re not going to wash your hands then I might as well just stick my hand down the front of your pants and have a bit of a feel around. It’s basically the same thing.

3. Shopping Trolley retards – If it wasn’t for the fact that it raises my blood pressure to near cataclysmic proportions, I would have to admit that it’s quite an impressive feat the way that some people can strategically position a shopping trolley so that it block four aisles of the supermarket.

2. Grown men wearing Speedos – I’ve already been over this one in extensive detail. It’s just plain wrong and there should be laws in place to stop it quite frankly.

1. People who say they’re crazy – It is a well known fact that any self-confessed crazy person is inversely as crazy as they claim to be. So, if you know somebody who says “all my friends think I’m stark raving mad” then chances are strong that they’re just a sad pathetic fool who probably has no friends and the people that they claim are their friends probably just think they’re an idiot. Truly crazy people don’t think they’re crazy. That’s what makes them so damn crazy!!!!!!

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