Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

In a time before Smallville (and let us never forget that there was such a time), kryptonite had a relatively simple role. Namely, it killed Kryptonians. And fair enough, too. Something had to.

Sure, for a while there were various varieties – gold (which removed Kryptonian’s powers), red (which made them mutate in comical ways – ho ho ho, Superman with an ant head, who could imagine such a thing), white (which, as I recall, killed all plant life for reasons that nobody ever quite clarified) and beige (which made them cluck like a chicken and dress up in Zatanna’s top hat and stockings) . But it was mostly about the green kryptonite and how that killed them. Good-o.

Then Smallville burst onto our screens with the style and panache of a Boeing 747. And lo, the green kryptonite (originally known to the cast as ‘meteor rocks’) began to serve other functions. Sure, it still made the sole Kryptonian in the show cough up blood and speak in tongues, but it also gave all kinds of random powers to all kinds of random troublemakers.

So you had people able to start fires with their minds (as opposed to the more common tinder and flint), you had telekinetic people with no hands, you had people turn into bugs or turn invisible or mind-control bees. People who could split in two or bend other people’s wills to their own and so on and so on and so on. Heck, as seasons progressed it turned out that kryptonite was even capable of sending telephone messages back in time for far-fetched plot purposes. Kryptonite and its random effects were a plot device second to none.

And that’s not even taking into consideration green kryptonite’s evil, differently-hued twin, red kryptonite. As the Smallville writers envision it, Red K turns our young master Kent into a veritable Kansas bad-ass. When he first encountered it, there was talk of not doing homework and perhaps kissing Lana (like, right on the lips!!) and wearing leather. Terrifying stuff. Further exposure made him go into Metropolis nightclubs! With girls!!

There was also one episode which contained a dollop of black kryptonite. Can’t remember what it did, but I’m sure as heck that it wasn’t good.

Clearly, as radioactive elements go, kryptonite is the one to reckon with. Einsteinium may have a cooler name, and, y’know, an actual position in the periodic table, but until it gives its handlers the ability to teleport or age in reverse, the title must remain with those funky green Smallville meteor rocks.

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