Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

It was decided (not by me obviously, I don’t make decisions in my house, I just live there) that we should go to the local swimming pool on the weekend. This visit reinforced three very important universal truths to me:

1. The temperature on a warm day in Brisbane is only about 4 degrees cooler than the surface of the sun
2. With a few minor exceptions, people are stupid. Large volumes of water only seem to increase the stupidity
3. Grown men should never ever wear Speedo’s™

It is the third point that I really want to emphasize here. Unless you’re an Olympic athlete or a life saver, there is no reason that you should ever need to don a pair of DT’s. And I can’t stress this enough. Despite what you may think or what loved ones may tell you, you do not look good in a snug pair of grape smugglers. Nobody does. And yet, hundreds of middle-aged men, perhaps in an attempt to reclaim their youth will ignorantly and quite cruelly bombard good innocent folk with their Speedo™-clad form at pools and beaches across the world.

I think it is up to the young people of today to band together and tell their parents/uncles/grandparents in no uncertain times that the Speedo™ era is over. My father used to be in the budgie smuggler brigade but after an extensive program of insulting, mocking, heckling and taunting, my brothers and I have gotten him to the stage where he can’t even walk through the Speedo™ section of K-Mart without breaking out in a cold sweat.

I’ve also taken the additional step of having legal documents drawn up that I have sitting in my safe at home with a gun and a silver bullet stating that if I ever so much as mention that I would maybe like to try on a pair of Speedo’s™ for whatever reason that Trish should put a bullet through my head. I urge all young men to take the same step. It may sound drastic, but think of the alternative.

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