Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

Donny Most, the most legendary screen redhead of them all

Lauren Bacall today released her much awaited finalised List of Legends, a ranking of the people she considers legends and, implicitly, those she does not. Bacall, who leaked Days of Thunder Oscar-winner Nicole Kidman as a notable red-headed exclusion from the list only last month, says that her list will “surprise and titillate”.

And the screen veteran has fulfilled her promise. Along with the expected members of the list – King Arthur, Robin Hood, Gilgamesh, et al have come a number of startling surprise inclusions.

The late Sir Donald Bradman made the list, thanks to Bacall’s long-standing love of cricket. More controversially, Indian swing bowler Ajit Agarkar also made her list. “I like the way he moves the ball around,” was her only comment on the oft-wayward pseudo-all-rounder’s inclusion.

Other surprise nominees on Bacall’s List of Legends were James Brown (“how could I omit ‘The Godfather of Soul’?” was her only explanation) and Christopher Columbus (“kudos to him – the world isn’t round and he was the one who stood up and said so. Also, I love those Home Alone movies he made”).

But the biggest talking point was the inclusion of former Happy Days star Donny Most, who played Ralph Malph. Bacall confessed to it “being a toss-up” between him and Anson ‘Pottsie’ Williams, but Most had eventually won based on both his “superlative surname” and his “erotic red hair”.

Upon hearing the latter quote, Kidman remained stoic about her exclusion. “Lauren is right. I’m not a legend,” said the Mule In Rouge star. “And, besides, I’m in fine company. Many great actors were excluded from Lauren’s list and if it’s good enough for my best friend Naomi Watts to miss out on the list, then, heck, it’s good enough for me.”

When informed that Miss Watts made the list on the second page, Miss Kidman responded with an earthy and heartfelt “Fuck!” before declaring the media conference over.

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