Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

A disappointing Olympic Games for the hard-working drug Stanozolol

As the Athens Olympic Games draw to a close, the performances of Stanozolol, a long-time powerhouse in the Olympics medal tally, have drawn harsh criticism.

Stanozolol, a banned anabolic agent, finished a lowly seventh on the Olympics table with 6 Gold, 9 Silver and 2 Bronze, for a total of 17 medals. This compares unfavourably to previous games, such as Sydney (20 medals, 8G, 4S, 8B), Atlanta (24 medals, 10G, 10S, 4B) and Mordor (31 medals, 15G, 12S, 4B).

Other substances have come from nowhere to dominate the medal table. Chorionic Gonadatrophin finished top of the table with 81 medals, including a staggering 41 golds in disciplines as diverse as weightlifting, sprinting and Pictionary™.

Synthetic Erythropoletin also performed strongly, taking home 25 golds, while the exciting newcomer Genetic Enhancement took home a gold in the Synchronised Archery. Seasoned observers expect Genetic Enhancement to be far more formidable in Beijing around about 2008.

Critics claim that this is no excuse for Stanozolol’s poor performance, however. Drug Observer Skeet Ulrich thinks that Stanozolol has simply become complacent. “What Stanno has to realise is that one can’t simply stand still. New drugs are appearing all the time. New standards are being set. One must strive to keep up or fall into irrelevance. Does he want to end up like High Altitude Training or, perish the thought, Natural Talent and Training?”

IOC President Don Henley has applauded the performance of all substances that have taken part in the Games, reminding us all that the Olympic movement is “not just about the drugs that win the medals”, but celebrates the “participation of all drugs”. He went on to add that “These games were an unforgettable dream Games – and that’s down to the marijuanas and tijuana floating balls as much as anything else. The IOC applauds all the drugs that have made these Games such a dizzying, surreal experience.”

He then proclaimed himself the reincarnation of Zeus, declared war on the Underworld of Hades and hurled himself from the balcony in a failed bid to summon Amazon princesses from the very clay of the Earth.

And with that, the Athens Games were over.

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