Dan Liebke’s Astonishing Tales

1st ofJanuary, 2004Diary Note: 12:30pm New year, new plan!Will build on last year’s short filmtriumphs by writing award-winningscreenplay. Don’t know theme, plot,characters yet, but have strong imageof buck-toothed gent doing thecaterpillar. Solid foundation. Willstart writing tonight.
2nd ofJanuary, 2004Diary Note: 3:00pm Good start toscreenplay. Brainstormed themes andimages. Caterpillar-dancing mansuggests theme of spiritual rebirth.Buck teeth suggests vampirism. [...]

If I managed to conquer the world (or, you know, just a country or a small town or even just the local pub) and people started calling me a ruthless dictator, I think my best strategy would be to marry a girl named Ruth… you know, just to make the dissidents think more carefully about [...]

We start (as always) with a stereotypical wise old American Indianman being hassled by a security guard.
“Yo, Chief Running Water,” says Security Guard. “Get outta here, you’retrespassing!”
“How can I be trespassing when the eagle flies like a… um… brazenscoundrel?”
Security Guard doesn’t understand the meaning of this, so shoos himoff anyway and is punished for it [...]

Finally, the finaleof Dawson’s Creek! And, as such,the last ever DawsonFile. Let’s get into it, shallwe?
We’re in the future -ooooh, spooky! There are hover-cars andelectric sunglasses and, just like inMinority Report, a ball comes rollingdown with the name of a person who’sgoing to die on it. But we don’t get tosee who it is yet!
Ah [...]

So we open with Superlad showing off a really swell ‘S’that he has crafted out of metal for his metalwork class.He places it against his chest.
“What’s this?” says his metalwork teacher.
“It’s a funky metal S,” explains Superlad and rolls hiseyes at Good Ol’ Pete. Duh!
“Well, I wouldn’t know about that,” says Mr Metalwork. “I’mnot interested [...]

So it’s the penultimate episode and Dunstan’s all whiney because Paceman lost all his money on the ponies (or whatever he did - I can’t be bothered looking it up and if you think any given episode lingers in my head any longer than is necessary then you are sadly, sadly mistaken. All I know [...]

Okay. We’re straight into it with Bloody Jack Osbourne visiting Crazy Audrey in her dorm room. Bloody Jack Osbourne is sniffing Ah Joey’s underwear. This is creepy, but it could have been worse - Ah Joey could have been wearing them at the time.
Nevertheless, Ah Joey comes in and chastises Bloody Jack Osbourne. “What are [...]

Well, alrighty then. We’re closing rapidly in on the end and it’s time for a good old-fashioned cast cull. By the end of this episode, we’ll see the demise of all but the core of the show. And about time too.
So we begin with Paceman out on a date with Salma Hayek clone. They make [...]

I have but one word for this episode: ?????!?!?
The producers, having seen the stellar job that Gay Jack did when he donned the old director’s hat for a show a few episodes back decide to pass it over to Paceman and see if he can capture a similar magic.
He cannot.
Paceman has clearly got into Grams’ [...]

Now, where the hell has Gay Jack hidden himself? I miss his homosexual antics and self-affirmations. Come back, Gay Jack!
Instead of Gay Jack, we have Chipmunk Face who apparently flicked her slut switch to on. Because Counsellor Studmuffin is suddenly grinning from ear to ear with all the chipmunk sex he’s been garnering.
Well, I suppose [...]