Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard

You always know that it’s going to be a superb episode of Dawson’s Creek when Dunstan himself does not bother to show. And so it proves in this latest episode.

We open with Ah Joey and Dimplestruck Barman continuing with their outrageous flirtation. At one point Ah Joey’s dimples get dangerously overheated, but she flicks a cooling strand of hair behind her ears and disaster is averted.

… ProfessorInTheCloset will be leaving at the end of the semester on a whirlwind tour of great closets…

Meanwhile, in a classroom on campus, Gay Jack and Chipmunk Face are shocked to hear that ProfessorInTheCloset will be leaving at the end of the semester on a whirlwind tour of great closets of America.

There is gasping and much shock at this announcement. Professor InTheCloset tells everybody there’s to be no more tears – he’ll be signing autographs later that evening.

Paceman has by now shown up at work only to be told by Patrick Bateman that everybody in the office is going to be flown to New Orleans (The Big Waffle) for 24 hours of drinking and debauchery. No sensible reason was offered for this management decision.

Back at Ah Joey’s dorm room and Crazy Audrey reveals that she and Paceman have broken up.

“Because he still yearns for me?” asks Ah Joey.

“Of course not,” says Crazy Audrey, but then starts wondering. Paceman is a red-blooded young sex machine and Ah Joey is a goddess. And she (Crazy Audrey) is a being whose very existence causes bile to rise in the throat.

So maybe Ah Joey has a point.

“Well, of course I have a point,” says Ah Joey. “I’m Ah Joey.”

Crazy Audrey has no comeback to this so accuses Ah Joey of being more interested in Dimplestruck Barman than her.

“Well, obviously,” says Ah Joey and shakes her head dismissively.

Meanwhile, Chipmunk Face has managed to once again ask poor old Counsellor Studmuffin out. He’s too nice to say no and so is forced to attend the latest performance of Crazy Audrey’s burgeoning ‘singing’ career.

There is a fine line between being nice and being a total sucker who gets dragged into a world of despair and hopelessness where the option of suicide is only a handful of millimetres away from being the only rational course of action.

Down in New Orleans, Paceman is failing to chat up women because he’s too broken up about the break-up with Crazy Audrey. Paceman, Paceman, Paceman. It’s over, buddy. You’ve escaped. There’s no need to pretend to have any feelings for her.

Back at the bar and Crazy Audrey has drunk herself silly. Unlike Paceman, you believe that Crazy Audrey’s anguish over the break-up is real. After all, she was the one punching well above her weight.

Gay Jack has meanwhile stood up Counsellor GayAsTheyCome in order to hang out at Professor InTheCloset’s autograph signing.

Professor InTheCloset takes Gay Jack’s Wizard of Oz DVD and scrawls a heartfelt message on it: ‘Gay Jack, You Are Da Bomb! Professor OutOfTheCloset’

Gay Jack investigates this further.

I’ve left my pregnant wife to embrace the queer lifestyle.

“Oh yes,” says Professor OutOfTheCloset. “I’ve left my pregnant wife to embrace the queer lifestyle.”

‘Yes, yes, yes,” says Gay Jack. “That’s all very nice and that, but tell me more about this ‘da bomb’ thing.”

“It means I yearn for your loins.”

“Oh,” says Gay Jack. “Gotcha. Join the club. I am hot, yes. But now I need to go.” And he goes.

Back at the bar and Crazy Audrey’s drunkenness has gotten completely out of control. She insults Dimplestruck Barman (she claims that his pecs aren’t as great as he thinks they are) before climbing up on stage and caterwauling. She also repulses us all by stripping down to her bra. She then throws up in a toilet and accuses Ah Joey of being a crap friend again.

“Well, to you, yes,” says Ah Joey. “Duh.”

Then DB gets stuck into Ah Joey too. “Why didn’t you defend my mighty pecs?” he says.

“She was drunk – she didn’t know what she was saying,” says Ah Joey.

DB begins to pout. “Well, if you’re not going to defend my pecs, maybe I won’t flirt with you any more.”

“Well, I never,” says Ah Joey, and storms off (but not before firing off a parting dimple shot at DB).

Oh, and over in New Orleans Paceman is making out with a girl (finally!) but stops when he discovers that she’s a hooker that Patrick Bateman purchased for him.

He runs out to confront Patrick Bateman. “Ewww!!” says Paceman. “You almost had me sleeping with a whore.”

“You were going to sleep with her?” says Patrick Bateman. “I just sent her up there for you to butcher with an axe.”

“Ummm… yes,” says Paceman, having second thoughts about punching Patrick Bateman. Usually this would be a clear-cut Paceman Punching moment. But then, he’s usually not punching insane and rich serial killers. He instead decides to call Patrick Bateman ‘a loser’, before adding ‘but not in a bad way’.

And that’s pretty much it. Chipmunk Face moves in for a pash on Counsellor Studmuffin who amusingly does the pull-back. “You’re very pretty and great,” he lies. “I just don’t date chipmunks.”

And then he puts her in a cab and goes to listen to Crazy Audrey, who is lying in the gutter, moping about how much she hates herself. Well, sure, says Counsellor Studmuffin. But so you should.

And finally Ah Joey and the recently-restruck Dimplestruck Barman agree to go out on a date, which I think is secret code for ‘a relentless night of sweating, crazed monkey sex’.

A fine episode. Pros: No Dunstan, Crazy Audrey loathing herself, Chipmunk Face being emotionally rebuffed. Cons: Crazy Audrey singing once more.

Let’s see what happens tomorrow, shall we?

The One I Most Want To Die This Episode:Crazy Audrey – Stop the ‘singing’, goddammit! I’m serious now. Also, no need to take out your miserable life on Ah Joey.

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