Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

Writhing and pouting days are long gone

Arabic television station Al-Jazeera today released the latest audio tape to surface from terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden – a bootleg recording of Bin Laden’s concert at the Hammersmith Odeon. Audio experts were quick to study the tape and are said to be ‘extremely confident’ that it is, indeed, a recording of the exiled Al Qaeda front man.

“Listen to his phrasing on his cover version of Blame It On The Boogie,” says FBI Aural Engineer Vin Diesel. “In particular, the idiosyncratic rhythm of the phrase ‘don’t blame it on the moonlight’ – distinctively Bin Laden.”

Scotland Yard Audio Expert and Part-Time Contributor To Rolling Stone magazine Tim Roth concurs. “For me, the best proof is in the guitar licks when he takes the lead break in Twist And Shout. Nobody else can make a guitar sound like that. Pure Osama. He really whips the crowd into a frenzy.”

Other experts, including volunteer dentist to the stars Ed Norton are not so convinced. “It does sound somewhat like him,” he says. “But the singer on this bootleg seems to lack the vocal range of the terrorist leader. Listen to Let’s Hear It For The Boy during the encore. It has the right kind of stage energy and crowd participation, but he just can’t hit the high notes. Now maybe he’s just getting old and is past his prime, but for me, I don’t find the tape conclusive.”

All the experts do agree however, that the tape is recent. “He makes reference to the passing of Robert Palmer,” says Roth. “And urges the Robert Palmer Supermodels to take up an ‘audaciously sexy’ pouting jihad against the infidels.”

Former Head Writher in the Simply Irresistible video suggests that this call to arms is unlikely to be heeded, however. “The Robert Palmer video clips were fifteen years ago,” she says. “I’m 38 now with three kids and a respectable job as the head of the fourth largest Croquet Equipment Distribution company in Kentucky. Even if I was able to get them up, I’m not going to be sticking my breasts in anybody’s face.”

Questions have also been asked about how, exactly, it was that the world’s most wanted fugitive could have performed a concert at one of England’s most legendary concert halls without authorities investigating further. A spokesman for the Hammersmith Odeon explained this away as being due to the vivacious stage make-up and costumes. “Performers hiding their real features behind a stage persona has long been a rock and roll tradition,” he said. “One need only look at a band such as KISS to see this.”

Following this statement, the FBI moved Gene Simmons, Ace Frehley, Paul Stanley and the other one to Camp X Ray in Guantanamo Bay for further questioning and branded the KISS Army a terrorist organisation. Civil rights activists have agreed that while this is ‘clearly a violation’ and ‘a gross over-reaction’, they can also ‘see the upside’.

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