Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

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Starring Rorschach as Splotchface, Dr Manhattan (Jon Osterman) as Megasmurf, Nite Owl (Dan Dreiberg) as Captain Pudgey, Ozymandias as Lord Smartypants, The Comedian as The Dead Comedian and The Silk Spectre as Bimbo Lass. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard

We start the second half of the series with a rather lacklustre issue. This sense of lacklustredom may revolve around the fact that we’re dealing solely with the rather tedious Captain Pudgey and Bimbo Lass and their rather tedious lives. There is no sign of Splotchface or The Dead Comedian or anybody else with a sense of humour.

But I get ahead of myself. We open with Bimbo Lass sitting in Captain Pudgey’s Owlmobile. Calling on her most bimbo-like powers, she tries to light a cigarette with a flamethrower and sets the Owlcave on fire. There is screaming afoot and Captain Pudgey runs down and puts the fire out.

Bimbo Lass then vows to quit smoking. Good for you, Bimbo Lass.

Bimbo Lass then vows to quit smoking. Good for you, Bimbo Lass.

Then Bimbo Lass and Captain Pudgey start looking through Captain Pudgey’s old stuff.

“What’s this?” says Bimbo Lass.

“That’s just a photo of Bad Girl, a deviant supervillainess who had the hots for me.”

“Had the hots for you??!?” says Bimbo Lass. “That doesn’t seem very plausible to me.”

“No,” says Captain Pudgey. “I guess it doesn’t.”

Then they head upstairs and watch the news, where they see stuff about Splotchface’s pending trial and the Russians invading Pakistan, so Bimbo Lass figures ’screw it’ and implausibly jumps all over Captain Pudgey, tearing his clothes off and licking his neck hairs.

Captain Pudgey doesn’t know what to make of this so ultimately decides to fail to sustain an erection. Oh Captain Pudgey. You damn fool.

Bimbo Lass hides her disappointment well and the two of them go to sleep on the couch. Captain Pudgey has a dream about Bad Girl in her naughty supervillainess costume who morphs into Bimbo Lass in her equally naughty costume and then into Bimbo Lass out of her naughty costume.

Bimbo Lass dreams of MegaSmurf. He might be blue and kinda spaced out and prone to making multiple copies of himself, but he was also virile as all get-out.

Captain Pudgey heads down to the Owlcave and stands around flaccidly in the nude (but with infra-red goggles on, obviously). Bimbo Lass comes down and the two of them decide to go out flying in the Owlmobile.

… Captain Pudgey’s penis only functions when he is in superhero costume. Much like the late Rock Hudson.

Which they do. Then they rescue some people from a burning building, which is good of them. Then they shag senselessly, which is a little naughty of them. It is revealed that Captain Pudgey’s penis only functions when he is in superhero costume. Much like the late Rock Hudson.

Bimbo Lass then takes up smoking again. Well done, Bimbo Lass. Almost eight hours of willpower shown there.

And that’s about it. Right at the end, Captain Pudgey, overcome with his new-found manliness proposes busting Splotchface out of prison so that none of us have to put up with another issue of Captain Pudgey and Bimbo Lass testing the boundaries of their relationship and/or genitalia.

As I said up top, a somewhat below-par effort. In fact, I score it as 2 below par, which as I understand it is an eagle! Which is, ostensibly, a very good score indeed. So I don’t know what’s going on.

Next Issue: Splotchey breaks out of prison. Go Splotchey, go!

Related Pages

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1. The Watchmen Files, Issue 9: The Secret Origin of Bimbo Lass
2. The Watchmen Files, Issue 2: Flashback… What A Feeling!
3. The Watchmen Files, Issue 1: Boy That’s Funny!
4. The Watchmen Files, Issue 8: Splotchey Breaks Out
5. The Watchmen Files, Issue 5: Splotchface Unsplotched!