The Watchmen Files, Issue 5: Splotchface Unsplotched!
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Starring Rorschach as Splotchface, Dr Manhattan (Jon Osterman) as Megasmurf, Nite Owl (Dan Dreiberg) as Captain Pudgey, Ozymandias as Lord Smartypants, The Comedian as The Dead Comedian and The Silk Spectre as Bimbo Lass. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
We open with Splotchface showing up at the old villain’s place from issue two and amusing himself by scaring the bejeezus out of this poor old villain and locking him in a refrigerator. Oh Splotchface, you’re no Dead Comedian, but you still have your mirthful moments.
Anyway, Splotchface is still trying to work out who killed The Dead Comedian and tricked MegaSmurf into moving to Mars. He thinks it may be the Russians, or possibly musical group Toto.
… only the combined wiles of Imran Khan and Javed Miandadhave any chance of halting their progress.
Meanwhile, Detective FarTooSharp and Detective BleedinObvious from issue one are investigating some mass murder where a guy woke up and butchered his family because he thought World War III was impending.
Which is pretty much the consensus. NewsVendor is pretty sure that now that Russians have invaded Afghanistan that they’re going to move in to Pakistan next, and only the combined wiles of Imran Khan and Javed Miandad have any chance of halting their progress. Meanwhile, Pirate Comic-Reading Kid continues to read his pirate comic book, completely unconcerned about the issues facing the Pakistanis.
The pirate comic book is all about a man digging up some graves and building a raft out of dead bodies. No doubt the Dead Comedian would have busted a gut laughing about that one.
Elsewhere, Bimbo Lass and Captain Pudgey have lunch. Bimbo Lass has been booted out of MegaSmurf Headquarters, because MegaSmurf now prefers to reside on Mars. So she’s got no money and nowhere to live.
“Gee, Captain Pudgey,” she says. “This is no good. What am I to do?”
“It’s indeed terrible, Bimbo Lass.”
“I have no place to stay. Nowhere to dress… or undress.”
“Gulp.”
It’s this devotion to detail that makes Splotchface so efficient and spooky.
And so Captain Pudgey obviously invites Bimbo Lass to move in with him in the spare room. Bimbo Lass adjusts her skirt and smiles triumphantly. Splotchface sees them and suspects that maybe Bimbo Lass is responsible for all the trouble. Which doesn’t seem likely – she’s just busily manipulating the hormones of men – but Splotchface has to check out all possibilities. It’s this devotion to detail that makes Splotchface so efficient and spooky.
Then Lord Smartypants is heading off to a meeting where intelligent things (eg Sartre, action figures and neocosmology) are to be discussed. As he walks along with his PA, they are suddenly accosted by a gun-wielding madman (or perhaps a mad-wielding gunman… the art was unclear at this point). The man-wielding madgun shoots Lord Smartypants’ assistant in the head and then Lord Smartypants beats him up. Unfortunately, however, the wield-manning gunmad swallows a suicide capsule and, ipso facto, suicides.
That night, Bimbo Lass moves into Captain Pudgey’s spare room, and then funnily refers to him as ‘like a big brother’. Well, goddammit! thinks Captain Pudgey. Hehehe.
And while Pirate Comic-Reading Kid continues to read his comic book about sharks attacking people on dead body rafts and stuff, and News Vendor continues to go on and on about World War III, Detective FarTooSharp and Detective BleedinObvious get an anonymous tipoff that Splotchface is going to be harassing the old supervillain again that night.
And it’s true! Splotchface shows up to find that the silly old supervillain has shot himself in the head and that the cops have surrounded the house.
“Hurm,” says Splotchface.
Then, in the vein of MacGyver, he manages to build an arsenal of flamethrowers and crossbows out of common household objects and proceeds to kill a number of police officers and set the house on fire. Good ol’ Splotchface.
Then he jumps out of a window and twists his ankle and is captured. Which was perhaps less bright.
Another action-packed issue, with both Lord Smartypants and Splotchface being shot at. And Bimbo Lass’s ongoing teasing of Captain Pudgey is funny, funny stuff. I give it a solid 8 out of 10.
Next Issue: The Secret Origin of Splotchface!! What’s it all about, Splotchey?
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Posted: June 2nd, 2003 under watchmen.
Tags: bejeezus (scaring it out), imran khan, moving to mars, neocosmology, refrigerator